I am NOT an Exhibit at the Zoo...

I am not a party girl. There, I said it. Even in college after I earned my three Greek letters and two colors I would perform in numerous step shows but was often standing off the side while everyone else danced (and strolled) the night away. I have met a lot of people because I was off to myself laughing at my friends and watching the crowd.

I have tried being the 'social butterfly' but much prefer to be myself. The person who enjoys going out to dance. That does not include random surface level conversations or just small talk. The introvert in me hates it so imagine my surprise when the guy wanted to attend a small NYE house party of a salsa dancer he knew. 

We had agreed to stay home this year after the debacle of last year's party at a local hotel. It was so hilariously awful I refuse to rehash the details. Like I said, my inner 'homey chick' was digging the stay inside and lounge while watching the countdown on New Year's Rockin' Eve. The guy on the other hand agreed to attend the house party. 

I vaguely know the couple from salsa dancing in the area but the guy knows them better. I threw on some jeans, a nice sweater and a pair of flats. Because any woman reading this knows there is always the possibility of standing around at a house party and I refuse to stand around in heels wishing I had worn flats.

We arrived after 11pm and the guy opens the door and head to the kitchen area to stash the adult beverages we brought along with us and every eye in the room looked me up and down. At first I thought it was my imagination but soon realized it was not. 

Maybe it was my big curly afro (which was bigger than normal because I was off work for a while)? 

Maybe it was the fact that I wore jeans? 

Maybe it was the fact that the guy resembles an actor and I did not look anything like that well-known actor's well-known girlfriend?

Or just maybe it was the fact that I the ONLY woman in the room (minus the hostess) not dressed in 5 inch heels, an itty bitty dress and a head full of weave?

Maybe it was all of the above?

I grabbed a seat at the end of the room while the guy socialized with the host and every man in the room made it a point to walk by me and stare at me as they walked by. It became a game to me as I made small talk with the very nice lady sitting next to me. Each man would slow down slightly to stare before returning to his designated staked out space in the room. It would not have been so bad but I was not sitting in the area where the foot traffic flowed. It was actually more convenient for them to walk the other way. I had not experienced anything like that in a very long time. I know I live in the land of buy it, stick it, glue it and/or braid it in but I have been in this natural hair game for a very long time. Almost 17 years. I am comfortable with who I am and I do not need to flaunt it with the bottom of my cheeks hanging out a dress or heels so high I have to walk with bent knees. 

Part of me was proud for being comfortable with who I am and what I like and the other part of me was upset because I was clearly being put on display. I could not do anything but shake my head at this experience as it reminds me why I became comfortable in my skin. Why I try to be myself in any situation. I refuse to have other people dictate what I am supposed to look like while they look uncomfortable.

What did the guy say? He laughed and said "I told you! It is hard to find a black woman who does not fit the stereotype." 

After this party I guess I have to agree. It must be a little harder for men than I realize.

He Is...

For my blog Sis LoveBabz who wanted to know about the 'Man' I mentioned in my last post...something tells me she is not the only one who had the question.


I remember when I met him. I was at one of my weekly Salsa events a few years ago. At the time I was enjoying my Addiction and had no desire or curiosity to start anything with anyone. It was the middle of the week and I was enjoying my new found obsession with Salsa.

I make rounds at Salsa events, meaning I do not stay in one area of an event for long and have avoided (for the most part) being labeled as an On1, On2 or Casino dancer. He grabbed my hand and asked if I would like to dance. Hardly ever turning down a dance unless I am headed out the door or in serious need of a breather I accepted and we talked through our first dance. The usual conversation followed, name, where you learned to dance, do you live here, etc. I wish I could say 'and the rest is history' but this is not that kind of story.

We would see each other on the dance floor at various events and we would always dance at least once, sometimes more. The conversations kept coming over the years (I am a talker on the dance floor, if you can not talk and dance or if that annoys you please don't ask me to dance) and eventually he asked for my number.

Over a year had passed since we first laid eyes on each other. Yes, it was over a year before numbers were exchanged and by this time I was coming out of my Addiction and had started seeing someone else. I was not in the position to start anything and our first phone conversation was light. I remember thinking that I was not sure if this would/could go anywhere.

I thought he was a good guy but I just could not see it at that time. He loves to tell people that I was leaving to go on a cruise and told him I would call when I returned but he did not hear from me for three months. I laugh but it is true. I did not call him when I got back. I took that time to clean up my life and clean out the junk that took residence there. Even after cleaning house we remained friends and would talk from time to time.

Things changed one night about a year ago. I received a phone call from him early one morning saying that I left the event without saying goodbye. Still not knowing if he was showing interest or just small talk I waved it off until one night while waiting to say goodbye he stopped dancing with someone to dance with me before I left.

I am naive to certain things. He would call and talk to me as he drove home from salsa events and our conversations would last for hours. Still, I did ask if he was 'interested or just being nice?' Our journey began slowly when he answered, 'both.' The rest, as they say, is history.

I will not give a name or a description here as I am still very protective of this relationship. He does resemble a celebrity and gets asked for autographs from time to time with the occasional "Oh my GOD...I LOVE your show!"

I only see a resemblance at times and I am often in bewilderment as I see people stare when we are out and about. He handles it well but gets frustrated at times. I just laugh and walk away as people insist that he is being modest.

Now that I look at this photo if you trim down the facial hair and make his hair a little shorter...well, the resemblance is uncanny. Ha! I have missed that all this time.

With that in mind...let's just call him Theo ;-)

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

The Right Person AND The Right Time

"I have wanted to be married. It just has to be the right time and the right person. I have met plenty of 'right' people at the wrong time and have had the 'right time' with the wrong people. I am hoping to have both."


This was a statement made by someone during a dinner date. He is older by a number of years and was explaining to me why/how a successful man in his forties has never been married, has no children and has only come close to being engaged once. Especially in a city where it is beat into our brains that black women outnumber black men by a million fifty-eleven to one (my southern girl creeps in sporadically :-)

I started thinking about the right time and the right person. Has there been a right time and a wrong person or a right person and the wrong time? I have been told on a few occasions that I am great catch but there is so much going on in their life they can not commit right now. I always took that as a man's way of letting me down easy. Then I would become confused because I could not remember asking them to settle down or commit to me outside of a dinner or a few drinks.

Sometimes a woman just wants to entertain the thought of a man's company. There are times when a woman would like nothing better than to sit across from someone she considers really easy on the eyes and have a good conversation over a great meal. Is it possible for a man to understand that?

If I know your finances are tight and I want your company, I will offer to pay for it. I am not expecting anything in return outside of your company, vertically. Why? Because I enjoy you. I enjoy you not because I am trying to wait on you, trap you, make you commit to me and start a relationship with you but because I simply enjoy your company, conversation and presence!

There are times when I want to enjoy the right person until the right time comes along. Then maybe my right time will become your right time (a la Darius in 'Love Jones'). Ha!

If our right times never come at the same time? It is fine with me and guess what? We will have great memories and good conversations to hold onto and take with us as our journey continues. Those two things I know for sure.


(P.S. - In case you're wondering that photo above is of the quintessential couple who could never find the right time with the right person. Handing out cool points if you can name the couple made timeless by this classic film. MAD cool poins if you know their real names :)



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Fall Cleaning, No Longer Addicted

I was asked by email if I could ever give up my Addiction. Without thinking about it I answered "YES!" He is not the man I need to be with, he is not the man who will give me the unconditional love I seek, he is not the man...for me. Period.

I know this. I have known this since month 3 and continued to have him in my life for over a year and a half. Why? Honestly, because having him in my life for a few nights a month was better than being alone. Having him for a few nights allowed me to pretend that he was mine. Allowed me to pretend there was a man who loved me, stroked my hair and cuddled with me while we slept. Even if it was not true. We were using each other, and I have stopped it. Permanently, for good. Period.

I have walked away from my Addiction. On my own accord, without the advice from friends or the push from anyone. I have cut all ties with no explanation because by the time he realizes I am gone I will be strong enough to keep walking when he calls me to return. There is no one else, no one who will fill the empty nights left by him or fill the empty spot on my sofa the few nights he handed out when he felt ready. Somehow, I will get through them.

I am taking great care to clear out the imperfections in my life. My personal life was first, now I am working on my finances and somewhere in all of that I am continuing to find this woman. She is phenomenal, sweet, compassionate, loving, a great dancer who gives her all and deserves the same in return.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

And Like That...He's Gone

I tried.

Tried to look past the things I did not like and enjoy the things I did.

Yes, he was kind. Yes, he saw me. Was understanding and patient with my damaged heart. I appreciated it. But some things can not be changed. I attended a few of his events. He is a good DJ and plays to his crowd. Almost makes it effortless but the Man Behind the Mic syndrome is funny to me. I noticed at the last event he started to stay behind the DJ table more than usual. I laughed until I cried when one chick stopped at the table and literally bent over in front of him in a barely there dress.

Really? Are we that desperate now? Wow...simply wow.

I've dealt with my issues of him being younger, having a past with one of my acquaintances and being a member of the Blue & White fam. But the son and the son's mother is pushing me over the edge.

I always attract dads, they either have custody of their children or share custody. Please don't get me wrong it is a trait I find extremely attractive but at times as a woman without children it can be frustrating. He has his son for the summer. A very hyper and rambunctious 3-year-old. I am not a fan of meeting family or children until we know what we are doing and what type of 'relationship' this it. I avoided meeting the son for weeks until he blatantly asked for me to come hang out with them.

It was way too soon.

This little boy jumped in the sofa, yelled at me to play with him, jumped and rolled in my lap and almost kicked me in the face. Thank God I have great reflexes. All dad said was 'calm down' a few times.

Ummm...ok.

I was sent barreling over the edge when dad was making lunch and I told the son to stop jumping in the sofa. He stopped jumping, looked me dead in the eye and said 'No' before continuing to jump. I knew it was time to go before I snatched this kid up and tore his little ass out the frame. I was not raised that way and could picture myself jacking him up against a wall. Who am I to discipline your child when you will not?

I am dating with a slightly different purpose now. I still date for fun and enjoyment but also to see if we fit into each others worlds. I can see myself having issue with him because of his disciplinary beliefs. Not to mention mom calls every two hours and he walks the house while talking to her. What are you saying that you can't say in front of me?

You can not be that worried or interested in your child staying with his father because he would behave much differently if you were. If you took the amount of time with him you spent calling over the summer when he is with you he would have better manners. Yes, I know what 3-year-olds are like. I taught pre-school for three years and guess what blog fam? You got it - I had the 3-year-old room complete with 21 of them.

I love children and would like to have a house filled with children's laughter. To help mold the next generation of leaders and genuine good people. But this situation?

Not good. No warm fuzzies there.

There are a lot of warning signs and this time I'm listening.



P.S. - You get MAD cool points if you can name the film that inspired the title of this post.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Damaged

As I sit here waisting my life away at the DMV I decided to give this mobile blogging thing a try.

Damaged
So Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
My heart is damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before....

Tell me are you up for the challenge
'Cause my heart is damaged.
Lyrics from - Danity Kane


It is true.

My heart is damaged.

In being pursued I am very honest with my suitor and myself and I know just how damaged I am. In being honest with myself I have confessed my shortcomings, explained why I like moving in tortoise speed and am leery of words. He says he understands. Looks me in the eye when he asks me to "stop running" and will tell me when I can't even realize it "you're running again."

He is patient, he is kind. I wonder if I will get tired of running before he tires of the chase. It is not done on purpose. It is almost instinct. There is no maliciousness in my running and I sincerely do not wish to hurt him. My past creeps up on me like a ninja in the night - totally unexpected and unforgiving. I have come a long way in this healing process but have a long way to go before I am fully healed. Often I wonder if I will ever heal completely?

I have emerged carefully from behind my wall a few times and immediately retreated to its safety when things became too intense too quickly. He looks at me and sees me. I wonder if what he says is true. If his actions are sincere or rehearsed.

Only time will tell.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

He Called Me Out

"Dating someone who is divorced requires patience," he stated. Barely above a whisper.

I looked at him side-eyed but did not respond. Wanted to see where he was going with it. Because I KNOW he was not calling me high maintenance.

"You require patience. I understand, it's cool," he said as he looked back at me side-eyed with a wicked grin on his face. "I can be patient."

"You calling me high maintenance on the sly?" I could not resist the question.

He laughed at me.

"Long way from it, Luv. You're extremely cautious. You hide behind a brick wall. Think you can put in a door or at least a window?"

His words stung.

After several moments I replied, "Guess I've made progress. The wall was covered in ice with a moat around it. I'll see what the contractor quotes me and get back to you. The window probably...but the door," I shook my head. "You may be pushing it."



He called me out.

I say I am open to love, want it and need it. Have my arms open to allow it to walk right in but when it comes down to it...I hide behind a brick wall. Since my re-entry into this dating world I have not been treated poorly but have not been treated well either. It is my fault. I have allowed men to give me bits and pieces, snacking on crumbs while nursing a huge hunger that requires a full meal.

I have allowed men to give tidbits of time as they deem fit while they carved out pieces of themselves for me and her and her. Settled for just OK when I desired more, gave more and thought having a starting lineup would help fulfill the emptiness left by the franchise player. I was approaching this all wrong...waiting on men to realize I was worthy of their time and commitment when the truth is they knew I would never be their 'one' but it did not stop me from patiently pursuing the few I chose.

But now...I am being pursued. Courted.

The very thing I write about here at The Storm and comment on various posts of fellow bloggers is happening to me.

Invites to events, having dinner cooked for me, being introduced to friends and associates. Yes, even passing the friendship test way before being more than a friend was a consideration (on my part at least).

And I am running away...

We met by chance at an event I attended with my Salsa group. It was a Christian singles event and we were invited to spark interest in Salsa before classes began at the next event. He was the DJ (another creative mind, can't seem to get away from them) and I asked for a card (always the event planner) because he was literally rocking the place. Only to find out we already knew each other in passing.

That Blue & White world is too damn small.

The conversation lured me in. He is an orator and has an amazing way with words. There is nothing like a man who can express himself. Who can give you a compliment in one breath and tell you you're trying his patience with the next and it comes across as nothing short of communication. It is not mean or angry and it leads to conversation instead of arguments.

What's the problem? I knew you would ask.

I am an old soul and he is young. Sometimes it shows. Younger than anyone I have ever dated or considered dating. Not KayC you are being a Cougar young but a good 4 years younger. And being in the Blue & White network means there is someone he has a history with that I know...pretty well.

He makes a living in the entertainment industry which I vowed to step away from. Especially after my Addiction. Women flock to Men Behind the Mike (Thanks to Mrs. Mary Mack for that term) and that lifestyle is not easy on relationships even when you do trust your partner.

He is not physically what I would go for. I am shallow...and I can call myself out on it. Actually, I am not shallow I just want the total package. Whatever that is for me. I have settled before with someone because he had a great personality and when that personality began to fade and the 'real him' came out I no longer liked him and there was nothing else to him. Nothing to spark my interest and that is not a good place to reside.

I am treading dangerous waters and I have no clue what I am going to do. But I can tell you that being pursued by someone who makes the time to do so is a wonderful feeling. Being around someone who gives you space at events but can turn around and tell you, "I know what I want and I want you. I am going to pursue you."

Great feeling indeed.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Addiction...One More Hit

My habit...
is a full blown addiction.

My name is KayC and I have an addiction. He is my addiction.

It was my first Salsa instructor's birthday. His SO announced to the group that she was secretly celebrating his birthday at my somewhat regular midweek spot. We call him Sinsei (thought we would get away from the Latin names) and birthdays are big in the Cuban community. The birthday person stands in the middle of the rueda and everyone (typically the opposite sex) dances around them until everyone gets a turn to dance with the birthday person.

That week was rough for me. I decided to take a nap and slept right through Sinsei's birthday gathering. I was disappointed that I missed it but the group decided to celebrate his birthday with another Salsera that weekend.

Of course it was at the spot owned by my addiction.

I was doing well. A simple hug hello and I tried my best to stay occupied with Salsa. But when he passed by me and played in my hair...I was done. Later, it was reiterated with the flirtation of stroking my arm or touching me as he walked by. Staring at me while I danced. Yeah, I tried not to notice but the spirit knows when it is being watched.

Strange, the attraction is growing. The woman I mentioned in my earlier posts showed up as well. She did not take the Salsa lesson but I was amused at my friend's stories about her later that night. They picked her out the crowd without knowing who she was. They stated her stalkerish behavior and faces she flashed my way as her giveaway. Apparently I would be dead if looks could kill as she constantly kept tabs on both of us.

Her misguided anger did not bother me. I love to dance and my fellow Salseros heated that place up (literally) until everyone was sweating. I had a blast! He called me groovy wonderful - as usual and I must admit those four words fed my high.

My addiction...gave me one more hit.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Can't Keep Running Away

I am spoiled. I realized in just a short amount of time that a certain someone has spoiled me beyond belief. They can talk to me about anything without being afraid of me running away and I now expect the same from everyone else.

I expect to be able to put it out there and have it put out there in return. Instead, I got the same old games and it is extremely dissapointing. I do not like certain aspects of my life right now. There are a few things I would change and the level of communication I experience is definitely one of them. Surely it is possible to have wonderful verbal communication as well as physical? You don't have to settle for one or the other, right?

Seriously, after a certain age both men and women should be able to plainly ask for what they want, ask for what they need and what they are looking for? They should be able to express how they feel in plain terms without belittling or malicously hurting the other person. Seriously...

At what point, at what age, at what life experience do you realize...you can't keep running away?


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Finding (and Keeping) a Life Partner

I was cleaning out my email inbox and came across this article. Not sure I agree with everything said but it is interesting reading. I’m posting only an excerpt (because it does ramble at times) because I am curious to read your opinions…



FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Excerpt from - Golden rules for finding your life partner...

…"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important?

Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line - marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3:
Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other...

What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.

How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it:

"You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse"

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.


Another perspective....
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance....It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you…


Pay attention.... Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.


Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship…

I edited out a few lists because I think as bloggers we have already torn those apart ;-) But what do you think of the questions? Are they valid questions to a long-lasting relationship?

Beyond Words

Words to describe you
escape my mind
fear, hope, frustration, fascination
all these things so easy to find

I am so grateful for you
beautiful beyond words
I simply can not describe you

gorgeous silhouette in the darkness
gives me a knew appreciate of men
running my fingers through your hair
I enjoyed each and every moment

The intimacy reached far beyond sex
learned so much about each other
anticipating what comes next...

Copyright 2010 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

There are no coincidences, there is a reason why our paths have crossed. Fear still holds me from jumping. I want to live in a way that allows me to enjoy life but fear still holds me bolted to the floor. It tells me that I do not want to hurt him. He has been through so much already and sadly thinks real love is not for him.

Ironically I have always thought of a woman being the trophy wife or eye candy. Until meeting him I never thought how a man would feel after being treated as eye candy or the boy toy. When we first met I was struck by his looks but after getting to know him he is...such a pleasant surprise. Every time we connect he brings a smile to my face and I am terrified.

I enjoy each interaction with him. He is an amazing person, a wonderful man and simply...beyond words.

(edited to add - I am not sure where this is going or how it will end. It may become just a wonderful friendship but either way my outlook on relationships has been changed for the better)


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning to Let Go

My feelings are hurt.

It was my choice.

Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.

Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.

The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.

The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.

Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.

There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.

I was wrong...

I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.

Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.


Peace & Blessings...

My Beautiful Surprise...

Beautiful surprises...this past year my life has been full of surprises. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are because we are busy comparing our lives to what we think it should be. There are few coincidences in life. If you believe that God is in control how can anything be a coincidence? A beautiful surprise but not a coincidence.

I was talking to a girlfriend who I have recently reconnected with. We were bonding over getting into the dating scene after being married when she shared something profound with me. She described a man she recently spent time with like this "I only want him if God wants me to have him."

How often we forget our plans are not our own. We end up frustrated because we are trying to hold on to things that God himself is trying to take away. After my conversation with my girl, I remembered how people seem to cross to my path. How I always end up 'coincidentally' meeting people that I previously saw in passing. Always a coincidence? I don't think so, not anymore.

I am making a conscious effort to stop relying on other people to justify how I feel, what I think about someone and who I should/should not spend time with. I am learning that taking one day at a time and enjoying each moment for as long as I can is doing wonders for my spirit.

I am stopping to enjoy all of my beautiful surprises...

Beautiful Surprise - India.Arie




Beautiful Surprise

It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise



Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...I'm only ONE Woman

Lately I am being pulled into many different directions and sometimes I forget that I am only ONE woman and need to politely decline when people ask for my help. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem lending a hand or my expertise when needed but sometimes I forget to take care of self.

Forgetting to take care of self first is also a problem in my personal life. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of being the "one and only" and when I choose to give of myself I give fully, whole-heartedly and without reservation. It is simply me, the essence of who I am. My next loveship will appreciate that about me.

You never have to worry about my love
as long as you're taking care of business with my heart
see i'm the kind of girl
to dedicate my world
and you gotta give me all you got
i need it all baby every drop

I tell the men I meet that I am a show me kind of girl. Talk is good, I appreciate good conversation and you must give "good phone" if you want to get to know me. But know I watch what you do as well as what you say. I love small gestures, the text that says you're running a little late. The shoulder rubs as we stand in line at the movie theater. Trust me, I am paying attention...

you got to show me
and mean the words you say
its not a game for me baby
its just not that way

I have truly enjoyed meeting the men who have come across my path. Some of them are meant to be only friends and I make sure to communicate that so there are no misunderstandings. A few others I have had to clarify that you must get to know me first, invest the time to become my friend before we can possibly become anything else. It speaks volumes to me when a man remembers details from our conversations.

I'm only one woman baby
treat me like a lady
you gotta take the time to show me
that i'm your one and only
I'm only one woman baby
and i need a one woman man

When he invests time to watch a football game with me (yes, I said football - college preferably), discuss the latest music and my interest in dance. When a man makes time for me, when he starts to invest quality time into this one woman, know that he is important to me and I will do the same.

you never have to wonder if i care
if you're sharing the way i feel for love you know i'm real
i'm the kind of girl to dedicate my world
but you gotta give me all you got
i need it all every drop

I was beginning to settle for not quite good enough because I began to think I could not have everything I needed. The disappointments were coming in tidal waves and I began to think that what I receiving was good enough for me to live with. Sadly, I thought I could thrive on what was handed to me half-heartedly when I was willing to give so much more of myself.

i'm only one woman baby (i'm just a woman)
treat me like a lady (i'm not your ordinary girl)
you gotta take the time to show me (you got to be down for me)
that i'm your one and only (the woman in your world)
i'm only one woman baby (i'm just one woman)
and i need a one woman man

I am only ONE woman. I can only do so much but what I can absolutely control is who I choose to give any of myself to, who I choose to share my life with if it is friendship or so much more. Settling is not something I want to do, especially when I am not holding back on my love and or giving of who I am.

I get it. People will take what you offer without a second thought if you let them. Some people will take from you until there is nothing left to give and then they will move on to the next unexpecting person to receive more. It is up to me to choose wisely, I can not blame anyone but myself.

Like Jade sang so many years ago...I'm only one woman, baby. And I need a ONE WOMAN MAN!!!

*Here is the video if that Jade reference was before your time ;-)




Peace & Blessings...

At This Moment

At this moment in time
All I know is that I need you with me
I yearn for you with everything that I am
Everything I was and everything I will be

At this moment in time
Right now, right here
My mind digs deeper with the memories of you
And daydreams of our bodies being entangled
where one mind, body, soul give way to two

At this moment in time
Memories just simply won’t due
I want to submerge myself and swim in each second that passes with you
Where legs, arms and minds weave together and eight hours seem like two

At this moment in time
I want you to run your fingers through my hair
and the sensation of your fingers on my scalp
makes me loose my train of thought...
What was I saying?

At this moment in time
Your beautiful face is forever burned into my brain
Your touch is stored in my psyche
Your kiss is etched on my skin
Your hug keeps me long after you let go

At this moment in time
I know that I need/like/love/want/desire you
At this moment in time
I realize you are not a reason nor a season
At this moment in time
I simply want you to be mine.

Copyright 2009 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

Peace & Blessings...

Only Two Years...What Would You Do?

"You just happened to happen to me."

Two people on two separate occasions told me this. They quoted each other word for word. God has a wicked sense of humor.

One of them I met a little while ago while Salsa dancing and there was an instant ease between us that made me not think twice about giving him my number or hanging out with him and his friends. We started to hang out every few days and continue to meet at the local spots to dance.

We met for dancing, dinner and movies. There were walks through the park and great conversation. No pressure for romance, no pressure to make anything out of it. We agreed to just let whatever happens happen. I was enjoying it and thinking about the possibilities when we had a conversation that started like this:

"I need to tell you something. But it will change our relationship forever."

The creative mind in me instantly thought of everything. Marriage, drugs, lifestyle, etc. I could never fathom that the person who was quickly becoming my friend and maybe something else was dying.

"I have stage IV terminal cancer."

Nothing could have prepared me for that. Terminal? Two years? WTH?!?!?!

He was right. It did permanently change us. I am a lot of things and loyal to a fault is one of them. Having an extremely large heart and being a nurturer is another. I wonder what could of been...might have been...what could possibly be. Forming a relationship with someone who is terminally ill is like walking under a guillotine and waiting for it to fall.

One year. According to his doctor's schedule he has one year left. Is it fair to withdraw from someone over something that is beyond their control? Is it fair to get involved with someone when you know the outcome is not favorable? It was not a choice, no one chooses to die in their 30s. No one chooses to die with a 4 year old daughter who is too young to remember them.

Imagine...what would you feel if someone told you they wanted to spend their last year alive getting to know you better? I can't help but wonder what my lesson is in this. Something has to come out of this experience.

What would YOU do?

Peace & Blessings...

Who are YOU? What do YOU want? - My Answers

My parallel life traveler and blog sister Lovebabz recently posted these questions and it really got me to thinking. On the surface these questions seemed so simple, but in essence are so complicated that they seemed to have stumped quite a few bloggers.


Who are YOU?

I am a person who feels deeply, although my face may show ice or my actions show a means to get it done. If you learn how to decode my facial expressions you will have instant access into my soul. Because of this I have been told to go into acting, yes I love performing but have no desire to delve into that field at my age and be a starving artist again.

I am a person who believes in love. After years of nursing myself back to a healthy relationship with love, I truly believe in love. Love does not keep score, it allows you to be who you are with no repercussions or fall out. Hurt feelings are human nature, hurting someone's feelings repeatedly is a different story. Love will find me and I will be able to give and receive love and enjoy it. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just don't understand that we are holding onto the things that God is trying to take away. Yes Lord, I surrender. I no longer fight to keep things, people or feelings that I should have let go long ago. I now know that God doesn't do coincidences. When people fall out of my life, I should leave them there.

I am a nurturer and a giver. My friends call me loyal...sometimes to a fault. I can be brutally honest at times. I believe if your friends can not tell you the truth, no one can. My family is important to me, they include people related by blood and those I have added to my family over the years.

Titles do not matter to me. Who cares if you are a Regional President when you have no time to spend with me? I enjoy cuddling while watching a movie or engaging in a good conversation. I could care less if you wear a suit to work or a uniform. It is all a means to make money to pay bills. What I do care about is your spirit, your being and how responsible you are.


What do YOU want?

I want to know happiness. Every day is not filled with kisses, roses and romance but I want to enjoy as many days as possible for as long as possible.

I want someone in my life who appreciates all that I give and reciprocates that to the best of their ability. We will NOT try to out due each other, but realize that being together makes life better, easier and more enjoyable.

I want my own family no matter what the makeup of that is. In this day and age bonus children are almost a guarantee and that doesn't bother me since I recently found out I may not be able to have children of my own. I am in my 30s and have three other siblings from two other mothers. I am well-equipped and pre-disposed to have a productive relationship with a man with children. As long as he loves furry children as well :)

I want to travel the world and experience different cultures. I want to get married on the beach at sunset and dance the night away with good friends, family and relatives until my feet beg for mercy. I want to know that my life here on this earth made a difference to someone...

In a nutshell...

That is who I AM and that is what I WANT.

Sometimes, When it Rains...

When it rains
I only want to be held and rocked
Rub my hair and tell me it's okay
For time to stop ticking on the clock
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
I hate the storms
but love the sound
i like learning the lesson
but can't stand the pain, profound
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
So hard to remember the good
When the bad invades
Seems like forever
like running a Boston in Spades
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
My mind can't wrap around it
That it must rain for things to grow
It needs sunshine and rain, I know
But sometimes, when it rains...

Copyright 2009 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

It's been raining here off and on for weeks. I like the rain, love the sound of raindrops against the windowpane. I love the wind and melody it makes. Growing up my grandmother used to tell us "to be still and let God do his work." Funny how I still do that to this day.

Rain makes me want to grab a good book and cuddle up with my quilt. Years ago I remember cuddling with my SO and we would literally lay around the house all day. Now...there is no SO, it's just me and my quilt.

Days like today make me long for someone in my life. A serious someone who holds the same interest in me the I do of him. No games, no pretense, just transparency. Sunny days are easy, those days go by like clockwork. They do not make my heart hurt, they do not make me long for something that I miss.

But sometimes, when it rains...

Ready for Love

I have never known real love. Love that is so real it can't be denied when it is seen. I remember the first time love made it's presence known in my world. It appeared as a notion that I hadn't thought about, it appeared as a friend who I spent countless hours talking on the phone with. We took that feeling of comfort, complacency and familiarity with each other as love.

It was not love.

I find myself looking around wherever I go. Do you see the look in his eyes for her? That undeniable "Baby, you make my world okay" look that just takes your breath away. Oh yes, I thought I had found it when I almost married someone who I thought I couldn't go through life without. I remember thinking how comfortable I was with him. How we could talk about anything, but it wasn't love.

It wasn't unconditional.

I remember when I thought I had finally found it. Love was the label I put on it as he showed me worlds that I had not seen, exposed me to things I had only heard about in movies and television. I was different to him and he was new to me. We thought we had it and we walked down an aisle to profess it to God and the rest of the world.

I can now admit that even as I walked down the aisle I knew it wasn't it.

I knew there was something missing, but I fought like hell to make it into love. It ultimately didn't last and I became doubtful that love exists. The word love is thrown around to describe all types of emotions, but hardly used in the context that it should. I want love, real, unabashed, undeniable, can't take another breath or go through another year without you love. The kind that you know, that you know, that you KNOW and you just click.

I have met wonderful men who had me crushing something wicked, beautiful, sexy men who are a great catch. But there was no love, there was not enough there to make me believe that I could make a life with them. I deserve better and those great men deserve something better than someone who is pretending to love them.

I am ready for the possibilities of love again. It took me a long time to get over my baggage and trust issues and learn to live in the moment. With each misstep and stumble I always said God has one wicked sense of humor.

I just wish some things were not so complicated. Even the music I listen to now reflects love, her words are straight from my soul and my spirit to the world...

WOW! I Am Uber Amazing ?!?

The wonderful and amazing Lovebabz has given me the Uber Amazing Award. Her journey to choose love in a world of chaos is always inspiring to me. She inspires many people and was given a couple of awards that she generously passed along to a very deserving group. I was given this award last week while I celebrated my birthday and Thanksgiving with a wonderful group of family and friends but I do not want Lovebabz to think her award was not appreciated.

Indeed, it is quite the opposite. I love gifts, thoughtful gifts that are out of the ordinary and I received wonderful gifts this past week.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by The Storm to wish me well on my birthday. Your wishes are greatly appreciated and cherished. This past week has made me realize that my life is quite full of love and people with good hearts. In fact, a small group of Fam had so much fun at a local restaurant and Krispy Kreme that people kept stopping by our tables saying they were "Sorry we didn't have a good time," or "You are having such a good time, I do that with my group as well." It was wonderful to see my Fam laugh as much as we did.

We stayed out so late that the spouses and sitters were calling by the time we shut down Krispy Kreme. We had to transfer there after the restaurant closed, the Fresh and Hot sign was on ;) Man, those donuts are addictive and we do not know how to say good-bye to each other once we get together. It is amazing any of us graduated from college ;)

I love each and every one of you!

I realized that my life is headed exactly were it needs to go. Each day is taking me to another level of awareness that I am not sure I would have gained if this road had been easier. Each obstacle is preparing me for the next blessing, and that is pretty Uber Amazing.