The NEW Normal...

Last year (2015) was a year full of extreme highs and lows. From January through New Year's Eve, my life was serving me large doses of great and horrible. I experienced so many wonderful moments like spending my birthday outside of the country and experienced extreme lows like saying good bye the final time to my fur baby as he crossed the rainbow bridge.

I loved my house when I first moved in a few years ago. Now, I have lost both of my rescued fur babies and my house is very empty. It is the new normal for me. Even after almost a year I find myself rushing home some days to walk a fur baby that is no longer here. It is a hard habit to break after 13 years. I am hoping to break it soon.

I have started to change my house. I do not like saying renovation, so I will say I am making small changes. Things I wanted to change for years have been made a priority and I am taking joy in getting my hands dirty. A pry bar is a great stress relief tool. Seeing a finished project is a great feeling. The perfectionist in me makes it hard to say a project is complete.

My neighborhood is also changing and I am not sure if I want to stay or if I want to sell. I am debating on moving, to another side of the city, to another city, maybe even to another country. It is only me, I have no children, I have no real responsibilities and I am debating on making a major life change.

I need to find my NEW normal.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Cleansing - No Better Time Than Now

I am such a slump for a variety of reasons. Many are self-inflicted, some come with the territory. I recently went to a seminar for people who are broken, struggling with residue from the things that effect our lives. The things we think we move on from unscathed but in truth we drag them around like scars.

I was called out by a phophetess. Meaning, she had finished her speech and said "God is telling me to speak to two women in this audience." The first women was in the back literally sobbing and the second one...was me.

She picked me out of the crowd and locked eyes on me and read me.I remember she spoke enough for me to know that her words come from somewhere....outside of her knowledge...because there was no way she knew some of the things she hit on. I was blessed with a detox book of hers which I promptly went home and started. I also found the 30 day Love Cleanse online. I really need to clean every part of my life right now. The rules for my Love Cleanse:

1. No sex
2. No dating

2. No flirting

3. No contact with your former lovers (or anyone you have an unbalanced relationship with)

4. Increasing physical activity

5. Living healthy (no fast food)

6. Journal your experience, every morning and every night. It will give you an excellent point of reference at the end of your cleanse to go back and see how you grew and progressed and even healed throughout the process.

This should be a great time to start this being the end of the year and me not wanting to carry over any baggage. It stops here. It should be okay knowing that I am not dating and will be spending New Year's Eve alone.

Here goes....everything.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Addictions Always Return, Don't They?

It has been years since I have battled my Addiction. You remember that, don't you?

I walked away.

I RAN away and never looked back.

Except to stare at my phone that year he called me on my birthday. It took everything I had to let my Addiction go to voicemail. But I did not answer...I was strong...and extremely proud of myself.

Earlier this fall I heard my addiction was getting married. He was marrying the "girlfriend." You remember her, the "girlfriend" he swore was not the girlfriend. They had smiling photos on a wedding site proclaiming their undying love and how they met.

Good for them. Everyone deserves to be happy, right? No sarcasm, just genuine "if you are happy, then I am happy for you." Did it sting a little? Of course but such is life. Build a bridge and get over it.  *But you know KayC did keep her eyes open for wedding photos. Ha! Come on, you were curious and so was I*

So why the post? Because going through my email today I saw this on my Linkedin feed:

"Your Addiction's" invitation is waiting for your response...

*KayC eyes the screen and wipes eyes to clear them*

Surely, my Addiction did not think enough time has passed to keep in touch? Seriously, he does not think that I would accept such an invite? And why on Linkedin and not any other social media? Is that because the former "girlfriend" now wife would see it?

Surely, he does not think that KayC gets down like that?

Now...where is the delete button....because Addictions always return. Right?

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Real Love

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, 

can't-live-without-each-other love.” - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I love that quote. It describes that "love" that everyone seems to chase with reckless abandon. When you get older, you realize that life is not a fairy tale written by emmy winning television writers in a room on a movie production lot.

For a long time I did not know any happily married couples. Everyone I knew was either divorced, fighting an ugly custody battle over children or bashing their significant other to anyone who would listen. It is hard to keep a positive outlook when everyone is so negative. 

Then I met a couple who have been married for 30 years, all the children belong biologically to both of them and they are still happy. It made me feel good. After a little while I met another couple that was truly happy with each other, then another and slowly my faith started to return.

Then I started to look at myself and my own relationship. The quest for real love is something else. I am not searching for it but it would nice if it found me. Eventually, when I am really ready to receive it. 

The Mary J song was just in my head. It felt a little appropriate given the circumstances:

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings from  

Following My Intuition

I was catching up on some blog reading this holiday weekend and one of favorite bloggers was talking about being superficial in her writing. Being shallow in what she writes and the stories she tells about life. It was timely to me. So timely in fact that I could have been reading my own writing.

I started this blog what seemed like a few years back as an outlet. My life was in shambles and I was trying to find my way through the flames. This was the one place I was honest. The one place where I would pour my heart out under pen names and pseudonyms to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

Somehow I got away from that. I stopped putting things down on paper because I never wanted to live through them again. But that is not fair to myself. I need an outlet. I need something to get it out of my head and let go and give it to God. The good and the not so good.

I dusted out my journal yesterday and still have not written a word in it. What I have done is re-read a few things from the last time I put pen to paper over three years ago. I had forgotten all the little things that led up to major decisions at that time. Things that make journaling (and this blog) so important.

What I need to do is learn to follow my intuition. That gut feeling that never seems to steer me wrong. Whenever something goes wrong in my life it is because I went against that feeling. I find myself dealing with things in the end of relationships that I KNEW would be issues because they were nagging in my gut in the beginning. I find myself saying " I KNEW BETTER" whenever I go against that tiny voice inside of me. About anything.

From this point on I have made myself a promise. I will follow that gut instinct.

I will start now...

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings from  

One Step Closer

This year has been about finding real joy. The kind of joy that allows you to simply live each and every day independent of who is or is not participating that day. I am talking about keeping the kind of peace I enjoy on Saturday mornings when I leisurely walk the fur baby and curl up in my favorite corner of the sofa donning some sweats, a ponytail and an old tshirt.

I need that in my life. At this point I crave it.

I am searching for that thing I was 'born to do" and makes me happy. At one point I thought it was dance but I do not want the weekly commitment of teaching people. I enjoy dancing socially and the occasional classes but the thought of being tied to something weekly gives me the heeby jeebies. (spell checker had a field day with that one)

I find myself coming back to my first love. The thing I wanted to do when I was high school. The thing that made me rush to the movies early so I wouldn't miss a second of the previews. I am not sure if I am too old to pursue this dream but something in me tells me to keep trying.

I found another aide in helping me to figure this all out. These quizzes are interesting.

Your Result:

Your Scores

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description by clicking the arrow below, and see what rings most true.

Striving to Help: 12

Striving to Be Recognized: 6

Striving to Be Creative: 15

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 9

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 15

Striving to Be Secure: 11

Striving to Be In Control: 12

Striving to Be Creative

You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.
What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.
Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Striving to Be Knowledgeable

You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. 

What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.
Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

The Job for You

3. Striving to be creative: Imagination and personal expression are important to this type, so they enjoy jobs as:
Graphic Designers
Art Directors
Yoga Instructors Drug Addiction Counselors
Architects
Actors/Musicians/Dancers/Athletes
College Professors
Yoga or Meditation Teachers

5. Striving to be knowledgeable: Deep thinking and an inventive spirit help this type excel in fields like:
Biomedical Research
Computer Programming
Law
Education
Engineering
Management
Environmental Planning
Telecommunications

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning, Struggling, Healing and Moving Forward

At the end of the year I wrote this post explaining why I was in a bit of a slump and my need and desire to get out of it. Thank you for the replies and I did follow some advice and looked around for a few career assessments and tests to see what may be out there. 

I am not a college kid anymore and I find myself slashing things off my list because I feel I am too old to do a few things I wanted to do. Ha! I can not believe that I typed that. When did we become adults and too old for anything?!?

Well, I took a free online test and it gave me some pretty insightful things on my personality. Including KayC has the personality of a whopping 1% of the population. That might explain why I think a lot of people are strange and have a hard time figuring out why things went down the way they did. I will spare you the gory details but what I found interesting was the list of suggested careers for my personality. They were: 

career counselor

psychologist
educational consultant
special education teacher
librarian
artist
minister
playwright
novelist/poet
editor/art director
information-graphics...designer
HRM manager
merchandise planner
environmental lawyer
marketer
job analyst
mental health counselor
dietitian/nutritionist
research
educational consultant
architects
interpreter/translator

Very interesting considering I have held or thought about most of the jobs on this list. I am looking into a few of them and trying to figure out if I can somehow make this a career move that I will be happy with. We spend the majority of our time at work earning a paycheck to pay for housing, cars and 'stuff' that we barely see or enjoy. I must change that. I will change that and SOON!

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

I am NOT an Exhibit at the Zoo...

I am not a party girl. There, I said it. Even in college after I earned my three Greek letters and two colors I would perform in numerous step shows but was often standing off the side while everyone else danced (and strolled) the night away. I have met a lot of people because I was off to myself laughing at my friends and watching the crowd.

I have tried being the 'social butterfly' but much prefer to be myself. The person who enjoys going out to dance. That does not include random surface level conversations or just small talk. The introvert in me hates it so imagine my surprise when the guy wanted to attend a small NYE house party of a salsa dancer he knew. 

We had agreed to stay home this year after the debacle of last year's party at a local hotel. It was so hilariously awful I refuse to rehash the details. Like I said, my inner 'homey chick' was digging the stay inside and lounge while watching the countdown on New Year's Rockin' Eve. The guy on the other hand agreed to attend the house party. 

I vaguely know the couple from salsa dancing in the area but the guy knows them better. I threw on some jeans, a nice sweater and a pair of flats. Because any woman reading this knows there is always the possibility of standing around at a house party and I refuse to stand around in heels wishing I had worn flats.

We arrived after 11pm and the guy opens the door and head to the kitchen area to stash the adult beverages we brought along with us and every eye in the room looked me up and down. At first I thought it was my imagination but soon realized it was not. 

Maybe it was my big curly afro (which was bigger than normal because I was off work for a while)? 

Maybe it was the fact that I wore jeans? 

Maybe it was the fact that the guy resembles an actor and I did not look anything like that well-known actor's well-known girlfriend?

Or just maybe it was the fact that I the ONLY woman in the room (minus the hostess) not dressed in 5 inch heels, an itty bitty dress and a head full of weave?

Maybe it was all of the above?

I grabbed a seat at the end of the room while the guy socialized with the host and every man in the room made it a point to walk by me and stare at me as they walked by. It became a game to me as I made small talk with the very nice lady sitting next to me. Each man would slow down slightly to stare before returning to his designated staked out space in the room. It would not have been so bad but I was not sitting in the area where the foot traffic flowed. It was actually more convenient for them to walk the other way. I had not experienced anything like that in a very long time. I know I live in the land of buy it, stick it, glue it and/or braid it in but I have been in this natural hair game for a very long time. Almost 17 years. I am comfortable with who I am and I do not need to flaunt it with the bottom of my cheeks hanging out a dress or heels so high I have to walk with bent knees. 

Part of me was proud for being comfortable with who I am and what I like and the other part of me was upset because I was clearly being put on display. I could not do anything but shake my head at this experience as it reminds me why I became comfortable in my skin. Why I try to be myself in any situation. I refuse to have other people dictate what I am supposed to look like while they look uncomfortable.

What did the guy say? He laughed and said "I told you! It is hard to find a black woman who does not fit the stereotype." 

After this party I guess I have to agree. It must be a little harder for men than I realize.

Random Thunderstorms....(Once Again)

I have decided (once again) that I will give only solicited advice and try my best (once again) to not get offended, become upset or get annoyed when the person asked for said advice does not follow it. I have lost count on the number of times I have listened to the same conversation from friends who are in the same situation but refuse to do anything different. What is the definition of insanity again?

I applied for the job. The one I mentioned before which was a lateral move in pay but demotion in benefits. Why? to challenge myself and broaden my skill set. I made up my mind that the new position would make it much easier in the future to make more money and find another job (if need be) while increasing my quality of life. What happened? I interviewed well with the HR Director and staff only to find out the position is no longer available. The lady who currently holds it can not retire right now due to changes in policy and I (once again) was the front-runner by far but (once again) am still in my current position. I am stuck (once again) working evenings, weekends and holidays at will!

I don't know if it was being so close to having a new job or the current position itself but KayC is in a funk. I could easily call out each day this week and stay home and do absolutely nothing. I have some time during the Thanksgiving holiday but (once again) I find myself in a budgeting crunch and refusing to over spend. 

On a more positive note....I have 2 credit cards left with balances and I see the light at the end of the tunnel with finally ridding myself of the marital debt I inherited through the divorce. I will be so elated to pay off the final card and will not ever get into more credit card debt. If you want a life with me, all bank statements, credit reports and background checks must be presented! You think that's wrong? Then cohabitate forever but once you enter into a legally binding contract (which is what a marriage license is, after all you do file it at the court house people!) all of your debt becomes OUR debt. Been there, done that and I will NOT do that once again!

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Phone Call that Changed Everything

I'm sure this will be pretty random but here goes...

One phone call changed my life. For the better I guess, but it was an ordeal. My sister called me the middle of last week and said my father had been rushed to the hospital and all she could understand from his wife was "he is not responding to the antibiotics."

Not responding? Antibiotics?

My relationship with my father is strained at best. He has not been in my life on a regular basis since I was a pre-teen and even before then he was always working and I rarely saw him.

Later that night I found out he was in surgical ICU and was unresponsive.

ICU? Surgical ICU? Unresponsive?

Considering my car is 12 years old and it was holiday weekend, I was stuck in another state some five hours away as I waited by the phone for updates. Plane tickets were over $1,000 and try finding a rental car the day before a holiday weekend. Yeah, good luck with that.

To really add stress my cousins were riding down to Florida for the weekend on Friday but told me there was not room in their car. Yeah...I took THAT with a grain of salt. Such is life.

My sister (who is one year younger) kept me updated because my father's wife did not have the decency to call his first-born to give me any updates throughout this entire ordeal. I have no words for her right now and will probably have no words for some quite some time.

Long story short they found the source of his infection and he regained consciousness around day three. Yes, I sat by the phone for THREE DAYS waiting. His fever spiked around 104 but it also came down after day three. He was released from the hospital after a five day stay and made it home for the Holiday.

The good from this situation?

My father and I are talking again.

I spoke to him everyday while he was in the hospital. I think we talked more this past weekend than we have in life. Now that things are getting back to normal for him, maybe that new found relationship will stay that way? Near death experiences have a way of changing people.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Blessed and Highly Favored

"What's meant for you will come your way.
No one will get what's meant for you but you."

That quote may sound redundant but my Grandmother (my family called her Dear, but I called her Granny) used to tell me that all the time. As well as this quote:

"It'll be alright after while."

She left this earth over 10 years ago but sometimes I swear I hear her in my head saying the same things. So much so, that I find myself repeating those words (in her Southern dialect) to the people around me. I said those quotes to my business partner numerous times over the past year. I kept telling her everything happens for a reason and things happen so other things can transpire.

I thought of this business idea and held onto it for over a year. I was terrified to approach anyone about it. The world of dance can be a little fickle to newcomers but she jumped on it and away we went. Talking to people on the low, putting bugs in people's ear, trying to create something that had not been done in our area.

Our first few events met with stereotypes and people trying to purposely sabotage our events. It was extremely hurtful. A deep wound forms when someone attacks your character but we talked each other through it and kept going.

Every time one of us was at our breaking point, someone would come up and tell us how much they enjoyed the last event and ask about the next date. More than a couple of times when we were faced with finding a suitable venue one would mysteriously land in our laps with an irresistible price tag that happened to be free or half off for that month. Coincidence? Not at all...

We learned valuable lessons from the ground up and approached each event as a learning experience. We make sure to greet each attendee by name and if we don't know you when you come, we know your name by the time you walk out of the door. We have been accused of making our dance nights too cozy and comfortable because people will get comfortable and sometimes forget about the dance floor. But you know what? That is fine with us because they leave with a smile on their face.

Of course you can not please everyone all the time but we are working on the select 'hard nuts to crack' and they too will leave this next event happy, sweaty and tired. I am extremely grateful for finding what I think may be my calling. I am extrememly blessed and highly favored for using the gifts God has bestowed upon me.

I am so thankful that I am growing into the person I think I was meant to be. Two years ago I made a contact with someone and kept it going just enough to work out a great deal for my little company that could. My little company that is barely one year old is hosting a room for three nights at a major event in the area.

My little company that could is being put on the map.

My little company that met all that opposition is now being marketing by the very people who tried to shut us down.

My little company that could...is proving that it CAN!

And for that...I am extremely grateful, humbled and have the strength to keep going.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

M.I.A.

I have been M.I.A. from this blog. Mainly because it is the end of the school year and working in education means that I have been extremely busy these past few weeks. That pace will continue for the next two weeks. It has stressed me out and tired me out. Not only have I been M.I.A. from this blog but I have also been M.I.A. on the dance floor. Gasp...yeah, I know.

I no longer like my job. I like what I do and the fact that I still have a place of employment but this place is wearing me down. I'm scared the new stupidity level may be contagious so I don't drink the water. I'm not joking. It amazes me how people's sense of self-entitlement means I need to stop everything I am doing and cater to them. Shaking my head and walking away. Did someone mention vacation time? Yeah, I need some of that...real soon.

On a brighter note that little events company is the little engine that could and it is pushing right along. Four events down and three more scheduled for this year. I am geeked about a three-day party we have the pleasure of co-sponsoring. That should translate into a lot of good dancing and late night partying. I am looking forward to that like a kid looks forward to Christmas. Maybe I can shed the extra few pounds that have found their way to my body. No one is complaining except for my wallet and wardrobe. I plan to re-introduce myself to the dance floor this summer so maybe I can dance them back off?

Other than my work frustration there is not much going on in The Storm. I'm claiming my backyard from the large tree the power company decided to cut sideways and checking off my to do list around the house. I am cured from the Addiction and have not gone back that route and pretty content with my personal life. (not ready to share any of that quite yet) Life is wearing me out right now and I can barely keep my eyes open although it's only around four in the afternoon.

I need a nap but I have to sit through a retirement reception and a boring meeting before that happens :-( I am not sure what lesson I am supposed to learn from this but I really need to figure it out!


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Thank you to everyone who gave me encouragement and commented on the last post. I have recovered or should I say I am starting to recover. I took time for myself, no going out to help other people, not listening to anyone else's issues and I stayed off the dance floor. I took time to get myself together. I took time to have a long, honest look at myself and have a long, honest talk with God. I spoke my issues, my pain and what I thought was my near breaking point.

I woke up the next morning still in the clothes I wore the day before but I felt like a different person. Do not get me wrong, the world was not all rainbows and roses but the tears had stopped and my shoulders no longer carried the tension they had the day before. I spent the day cleaning my house, gave the furbaby a bath and just enjoyed the sunshine. It was a beautiful day and my porch swing offered a little comfort. The most I ventured away from home was to walk the furbaby around the neighborhood. I did have a conversation with the guy. At one point I asked him, "Do you want to be alone forever?" You might think that is cruel, but I did not ask in a cruel way nor a mean or demeaning kind of way. Sometimes, things come to me and I have no idea of what I am saying but they come in a way that makes the person hear me. This conversation needed to be had and I needed him to hear me. All things considered it went very well.

The following day was also a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I enjoyed a slow cup of coffee while watching one of my favorite reverends on television. What was his sermon on? Keeping your peace. Hmmm....I feel another theme. The guy met me for breakfast and I guess our conversation went better than I thought because I had a hard time getting rid of him. He accompanied me on a few errands and we finally parted ways in the early afternoon. Despite the conversation and the time spent together he still has a long way to go in finding himself and I am not sure I am the person who can help him navigate his way to self-discovery.

I returned home to walk the furbaby through a peaceful park and decided to tackle my budget yet again. I came up with a plan on how I'm going to survive with rising gas and food prices as well as a product idea that hit me on my trip to the west coast. I also came up with a marketing plan for the event company and a grass roots way to get more people to attend. Through all of this I slowly found my way back from being broken.

I found my strength, my inner peace that keeps me when nothing else in the world matters. I found the courage to tell people that sometimes I have to take time for me. I can not always take on the problems people bring to me. I know who I am, what I like and what I can/can not tolerate. I have the courage to ask for what I need and I respect the fact that sometimes people can not give me what I need. I have the courage to gracefully walk away from toxic relationships of any kind and I hope to have the courage and wisdom to know when to hold on and when to let go....of anything.

I found the wisdom I forgot I had. The wisdom to know I have come a long way from the woman I was. The wisdom to know I have a pretty good life despite what anyone thinks. I have the wisdom to keep on walking when tempted with a former addiction (yet again) and the knowledge to know good memories should never make you turn around but smile and keep going forward.

I do not have all the answers but I have once again found my strength, courage and wisdom. I forgot about this song until it came on my satellite radio station while I was cleaning the house. She is phenomenal...

Let Me Lay it on the Line

There is so much going on around me.

So much that I finally broke down. Literally, I broke down. Yes, there were tears. At work...which I never, ever allow myself to do. At my desk as well as the break room (thank God I was there alone) and apparently I could no longer hide it because everyone tiptoed around me all day. I was not angry, I was defeated. Broken...

It happens to everyone at some point and for me it was a few days ago. So much drama swirling around me that on top of the tears my body shut down. I passed out in increments of an hour at a time for the past few days. I am sure the jet lag had something to do with it as well.

The last time this happened to me I was going through a divorce. Quietly, I was going through hell trying to keep a straight face and recover from the pitfalls of bad finances, a bad marriage and saving face. This time it was because of opposition from the events company, much needed repairs to the house, something trying to resemble a relationship, a very disappointing trip, dead-end job and the rising cost of living with a decreasing pay check. If you follow this blog you also know my struggles of coming to grips with my slim chances of having children. Which means I am not doing well with my sister who is pregnant with her second child and hating every minute of it. Guess who gets the "When are you next" questions, yet again?

So, as I start to reclaim myself, catch up on rest, give the opposition truly something to envy, tell the guy to consider his path, contemplate a new job in this economy, re-adjust my budget, put on a happy face for my sister as she complains about hating pregnancy and wanting a boy instead of another girl and figure out how to put a band aid on the house repairs until I get them taken care of I try to remind myself that I can only control how I deal with things.

The smile is not back on my face but I am no longer breaking down. As I began to pick up the pieces around me I try to remind myself that God must have a plan for me and there must be some happiness somewhere in this. A lesson to be learned.

Because as the battle lines are drawn, I am not sure how much fight I have left in me.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Fall Cleaning, No Longer Addicted

I was asked by email if I could ever give up my Addiction. Without thinking about it I answered "YES!" He is not the man I need to be with, he is not the man who will give me the unconditional love I seek, he is not the man...for me. Period.

I know this. I have known this since month 3 and continued to have him in my life for over a year and a half. Why? Honestly, because having him in my life for a few nights a month was better than being alone. Having him for a few nights allowed me to pretend that he was mine. Allowed me to pretend there was a man who loved me, stroked my hair and cuddled with me while we slept. Even if it was not true. We were using each other, and I have stopped it. Permanently, for good. Period.

I have walked away from my Addiction. On my own accord, without the advice from friends or the push from anyone. I have cut all ties with no explanation because by the time he realizes I am gone I will be strong enough to keep walking when he calls me to return. There is no one else, no one who will fill the empty nights left by him or fill the empty spot on my sofa the few nights he handed out when he felt ready. Somehow, I will get through them.

I am taking great care to clear out the imperfections in my life. My personal life was first, now I am working on my finances and somewhere in all of that I am continuing to find this woman. She is phenomenal, sweet, compassionate, loving, a great dancer who gives her all and deserves the same in return.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning The Lesson...Do You Remember?

I was listening to the radio one morning as they awarded a single mother with a gift certificate to do some back to school shopping for her son. Her finances were tight and her son got into a fight at school when someone recognized his shirt from the second hand store. The radio personalities tried to make light of the situation but it struck a nerve with me because it made me remember.

I remember growing up in a large metro area after my mother moved me from a small city where I attended a private Christian school with a strict dress code. I remember moving into the 'hood and thinking how much I just wanted to go 'back home' with my family and friends. I remember being made fun of because school started 3 weeks prior to my arrival and the 'cliques' and 'friend circles' had already been established. Today it is considered 'bullying.'

I remember going into Junior High and being bused across town to help with the racial disparities and my shock when my friends spoke of back to school shopping. I was lucky to get a new backpack, and went without one for a few years. I remember my wardrobe and the few items it consisted of and my cousins who had recently moved into the area cleaning out their closets and giving me clothing.

I remember the feeling of my first job and the freedom of a paycheck. I remember getting a car at a buy here, pay here lot and paying my car payment, insurance and a few bills around the house. I remember working full time my junior and senior year of high school and getting a second 'part-time job' during the summer to save up for school. All of this before the age of 17.

I remembered all of this as I contemplate the little I have against what I perceive others to have. I remember thinking how I catapulted into the so-called middle class when my mother's generation was working class poor with little education.

I need to remember my upper middle-class and lower upper-class associates come from college educated parents and grandparents while my family grew up poor with holes in the ceiling, the roof and one kerosene heater to heat the house. I need to remember that my mother owned her first home in her 40s while I purchased mine in my 30s. I need to remember that this piece of paper hanging on my wall in a fabulous frame with four signatures and a seal means so much more than I think it does, even if I will pay on student loans until I'm 50.

Although many times I forget, and it takes my cousins to help me remember, I do remember. The humble beginnings and hopefully the fruitful endings.

I remember...do you remember?

Throwing in the video for an encore presentation as I continue to tackle my trees. Remember not to become so involved in running your race that you forget the purpose, what you have already accomplished and how far you have traveled. Today, I remember.




I still LOVE this video. It will never get old to me.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning the Lesson...You Know What He Did

It is amazing the small details the mind remembers at different moments. The customer service seminar I mentioned here had a variety of really funny but meaningful quotes and videos. For the life of me I can not remember how the presenter led into this video or why/how it had relevance to our seminar.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because on a dreary workday afternoon when the world has beaten me up and I feel battered and bruised I remember my friend MoA. Whenever I check on him he always says things will work out because he is blessed and it makes me want to let it all go. Today as I try to let it all go I search for something funny. That search led me back to my memories on the customer service seminar and an amusing clip that made me laugh from memory and I am happy that I found it to share with the blog family.

This right here...is funny. REALLY funny :)

(Didn't know if this should be a 'Learning a Lesson' or a 'Storm Breaker.' So let's call it both - ENJOY!)






He is absolutely adorable. I can only imagine how he makes his parents stay on their toes. Almost makes me want to try to have one...ALMOST! ;)

Moral of the Story - It is never as bad as you think it is. Five hundred people can view the exact same situation five hundred different ways.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Drug, My High, My Habit

Listening to my sister-friend Lovebabz's blog talk radio show, I came across this song and was immediately taken in by the beat and first two lines:

She say that I'm a habit
And every time she sees me she's gotta have it

I was caught. Hook, line and sinker.

I can identify so much that I have consciously tried to put space between me and my habit. There is a definite 'it' factor to some men. Yes, he is handsome but he has issues and drama and still there is something about him that draws you in. It's the 'it' factor. If I could put my descriptive words to paper and write a book to fully explain the why and hows about it....baby, I could retire on the sales alone!

That 'it' factor keeps you going back for more when there is only less. It keeps you thinking about him when you may have not crossed his mind at all. It keeps you enchanted with someone and possibly wasting your time.

Our attraction is like a smoldering flame.

It is impossible to hide and everyone sees it, picks up on it and make comments about it. We can be on opposite sides of the room and someone will ask me if that is my dude or are they getting me in trouble 'cause dude been staring all night. Around him I feel this indescribable attraction, almost a magnetic pull that feels natural, comfortable and stagnant. I can physically feel him in the room without looking at him, feel him walk by me without looking up. Two Scorpios feed a physical desire that is unmatched by many.

Even with the positive it does not seem to grow.

I am typically not like this with people. When I decide it is time for a person to leave my life I can write you off like nothing. I am legendary for it. With him an apology holds weight. With him a miss you is golden. With him...it is so different. For the life of me I can not explain why.

He is my drug, my habit, my high and it keeps me yearning for more. I am still learning to let him go and trying to move on.

Throwing in the towel..I surrender. I am declaring here on The Storm that I will no longer feed my habit.

He is a drug and I will try my best to stop getting high...





You can download this song or the complete album here. Enjoy!



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Gotta Give It Up

I never debate religion or politics in public and it is an extremely rare instance if I comment on a conversation that is veering in that direction. With the use of technology comes the destruction of human interaction, the simple art of conversation is lost on most people and they have difficulty expressing themselves. Add high emotion topics like religion or politics and you have a recipe for disaster or at least a high volume shouting match. Neither of which holds my interest.

In an extreme effort of breaking my silence on religion, I am admitting to the blog world that I participate in Lent to some degree. Every year I ponder what I will give up for 40 days and 40 nights hoping to give it up for good. In previous years it was junk food, alcohol, cursing and meat.

Last year I went deeper and gave up doubt. I did pretty good until after Easter and it came back with a vengeance. Feeling that I failed in that area I am once again giving up doubt coupled with feelings of low self-worth. I have no doubt that this year when I give it up it will stay gone :-) It will no longer dwell in my psyche like a weed that continues to grow after it is pulled.

My decisions are a direct reflection of my life right now. I was doubting myself, doubting my worth, doubting my decisions. I am giving it all away. Giving it to God and letting Him take me where I need to be. There are a few difficult decisions that I need to make and only He can help me make them.

The learning continues. I gotta give it up.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Been There, Done That

"There’s something lovely about knowing
that when it’s right you really know it’s right,
because you’ve already been through all the wrong.”
- Helen Folasade Adu

Been there and done that. My spirit is speaking to me again. The voice that whispers from deep down in your soul and tells you exactly what you need, although it may not be exactly what you want.

This year started off rocky. My mother had two priority/emergency surgeries, the heater in my house was/is on the verge of collapsing and I had to call an electrician when one wall in the house decided to go dead. (yeah, the credit card is smoking) Add to that nursing hurt feelings, furloughs on the job and the death of a pet and you have an extremely trying January!

My heart was hurting, my spirit was bending and my soul was bruised. Even on the dance floor hardwoods my joy would not show. I had settled into this 'mediocrity' of life. The everyday mundane living I loathe was taking its toll.

The pendulum was swinging into a different direction and I was weary. I am not sure of my exact epiphany moment. I prefer not to reveal the moment I realized my spirit was speaking to me again or maybe it was that I surrendered to listen?

Either way...I can proudly say that now I have been there and done that. Rest assured I have no desire to ever go back to that dark place again.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...