Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Cleanse - Week Four (Looking in the Mirror)

Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror? 

Have you seen the real you? 

The person who hides the insecurities, the pain and the "stuff" that the world uses to try to beat you down?

I have horrible timing because the holiday season is all about magical Christmas love, finding love, couples finding their way back to love, blah, blah, blah....I almost threw a shoe at my TV the other day. I really want film writers to find another topic. 

I am working on the other aspects on my journey. I cheated and sent a text message for a birthday on Christmas Eve. There was absolutely no reason for me to set myself up like that other than I wanted an excuse to reach out to someone who did not earn or deserve my attention. I must learn to let go. I am too damn loyal, my heart is much too big and I care way too damn much. Now if they have a cleanse that can turn that ish off? I am all for it!

What have I learned this week? Other then my rant from above? I have learned that I build my support system from my friends. They are my chosen family because my blood family is not supportive. Is that harsh? Maybe it is harsh but it is honest. And for me to move on and be able to heal and be whole I must know where I can turn for support. Why? Because we continue to hurt ourselves when we look for support in places where there are none. Luckily (or divinely) I have a few people in my life who may not be there everyday but they are supportive. 

I have learned that everyone needs that.

There are three days left in this cleanse...

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...


Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Cleanse - Week Three (Realizations)

I have made it through week three of this cleanse. The focus (for me) is to work on the residue that exists when things happen. Those things that you tuck away and forge ahead from but they still leave a little something that effects you, how you think, react, etc.

I had not realized that I was on week three until my co-worker pointed out that I had made it more than halfway through my 30 days. The hardest part is realizing how much effort I put into "being something" for other people. That being something can be a great date, great conversation, listening ear or sound board. It makes me a good friend but lousy person for taking care of myself. This cleanse has made me change a few of my habits especially around the holidays. Around this time of year I would be feasting on holiday movies that force feed you the girl-runs-away-from-troubles-falls-for-mr-right-enter-conflict/misunderstanding-then-realize-they-love-each-other-happily-ever-after-let-the-credits-roll type of movie. You know the movies I speak of. They are everywhere during the holidays making everyone feel some type of way about their own situation. No wonder the instances of mental issues, depression and such are so high around this time of year. Amazing how the U.S. culture creates it's own issues.

Another thing I have realized is that I do not allow myself to feel things. I do not mean wallow, what I mean is give myself permission to feel emotion no matter if it is good or bad before I forge ahead to the next thing. I have worked this week to allow myself to feel things so I can figure out why I feel that way and if there was something I could do to fix it so it will not happen again. Sometimes I can come up with a solution and sometimes it is what it is.

My spiritual journey has allowed me to keep control of my emotions. That is big for me right now with major changes at work. It was a trying week and I was extremely proud of myself that I was able to keep my emotions in check. Not only keep them check but not give people the power to upset me. Score one for KayC!

This journey is evolving and it came at a much needed time. Bring on week four!

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Cleanse - Week Two (Hitting My Stride)

I can not believe I have completed two weeks of this 30 day love cleanse. It is still not easy. I'm starting to receive round two of texts and messages from people who I know I have unbalanced relationships with but it is getting easier to ignore certain things and I've hit my stride with not dating, texting nor flirting. The thing that is not getting easier is my spiritual walk.

I have moments of clarity but they are short lived. My issue is the harder situations with inconsiderate people who demand you are considerate of them. Mainly the issue is work. My declaration is Friday was the last day I allow this foolishness. No longer will I allow work foolishness to get a bad reaction from me.

No more of this foolishness!

What is happening is a shift around me. My parents have talked about what happened between them many years ago and that brings me a sense of happiness for them. Hoping they can start to heal and move on as better people. That was big...for numerous reasons. My friends parents (both are dear to me) have started to become much more cordial to each other. They even danced together at a recent party. Once again, I am hoping that healing is on the horizon for each of them.

As for me, there is no ground shifting right now but I am only on halfway through this cleanse.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Monday, December 8, 2014

The Cleanse - Week One (It's Not Easy)

Week One:

Week one was difficult and much harder than I thought it would be. This 30 Day Love Cleanse is not easy. I've been asked out on more dates this week than I can remember. If I was available I can guarantee that I wouldn't be able to buy a date! Crazy universe.

I still think of my Genesis, often. It has become less emotional but I am still unable to control the thoughts or memories. I'm hoping week two will be better. Because of the no interaction with exes and no flirting I have not been social dancing outside of my weekly class. The holidays must be the season of declaring romantic interest for men. Very ironic.

I have been able to work on a few things this past week. There is some clarity that it's slowly coming from the fog. It's not something that comes overnight but slowly, my clarity is unfolding. 

This is only day eight.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Cleanse - Day 1-3 (It's Raining Men) is raining men!

If you read my last post I am in the middle of a spiritual detox and ran across a 30 Day Love Cleanse on a site that I frequent and decided, why not? Now is also a good time to cleanse my relationship juju (is that a word?) while working on the rest of me.

It has been three days and I literally think I have heard from almost every ex and want to be next from the past four years. Including some I never knew were interested. Even one from the online dating world that I thought had fallen off. But the real entertaining one happened while treating myself to a brand new shiny flat screen for my living room a very attractive man (hey, I'm cleansing not dead) appeared out of what seemed to be thin air to ask if he could load it into my trunk for me. 

I'm a lady who loves men to be men so I obliged. After being asked a few questions he offered me his card "in case I wanted to call him later." Um, okay I admit to taking the card. I also admit to texting a brief thank you for helping with the TV. I also admit to wanting him to have my number but now I'm sure he thinks I'm ignoring him because I found my bearing and put myself back on track for my cleanse which includes:

  1. No sex
  2. No dating
  3. No flirting
  4. No contact with former lovers (or anyone you have an unbalanced relationship with)
  5. Increasing physical activity
  6. Living healthy (no fast food) 
  7. Journal my experience
Yeah, I failed at number 3 yesterday in the parking lot of the department store. This is not going to be as easy as I thought. I told my sister that God is sending men out of the sky right now. Her response was, "That's not God!"

My dearest Sis just might be right.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Cleansing - No Better Time Than Now

I am such a slump for a variety of reasons. Many are self-inflicted, some come with the territory. I recently went to a seminar for people who are broken, struggling with residue from the things that effect our lives. The things we think we move on from unscathed but in truth we drag them around like scars.

I was called out by a phophetess. Meaning, she had finished her speech and said "God is telling me to speak to two women in this audience." The first women was in the back literally sobbing and the second one...was me.

She picked me out of the crowd and locked eyes on me and read me.I remember she spoke enough for me to know that her words come from somewhere....outside of her knowledge...because there was no way she knew some of the things she hit on. I was blessed with a detox book of hers which I promptly went home and started. I also found the 30 day Love Cleanse online. I really need to clean every part of my life right now. The rules for my Love Cleanse:

1. No sex
2. No dating
2. No flirting
3. No contact with your former lovers (or anyone you have an unbalanced relationship with)
4. Increasing physical activity
5. Living healthy (no fast food)
6. Journal your experience, every morning and every night. It will give you an excellent point of reference at the end of your cleanse to go back and see how you grew and progressed and even healed throughout the process.

This should be a great time to start this being the end of the year and me not wanting to carry over any baggage. It stops here. It should be okay knowing that I am not dating and will be spending New Year's Eve alone.

Here goes....everything.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...