Monday, March 21, 2011

Want to Know What I Want?

The beginning of 2011 has forced me to deal with a lot of issues I thought were dead and buried. I have had to tackle things I thought I had conquered years ago. So you may find a lot of my new posts are focused on finding me and my balance. I wrote this one a long time ago but ironic how it is relevant today.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want. What I want in a partner, what I'm looking for in a man. What I desire in a companion. If I could manifest the perfect mate....

I want... look in his eyes and have everyone else in the room disappear.

...someone to make me smile and look at me like this on AND off the dance floor

...A man that is sexy and confident, that ignites thoughts at the sight of him lounge on the sofa and fit perfectly in his arms while we watch...something. I really don't care what it is.

...both of us to be secure in what we have. Titles are words, feelings have meaning but intentions can last a lifetime. remember what it's like to be loved when I am having a long stressful day. memories of the night before to carry me through my day. be on the same wave length and communicate without words. inspire him to be the best him he can be.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Random Thunderstorms...Crossroads

I have several random crossroads in my life right now. What better place to discuss a few of them...

I have a friend who is very near and dear to me. She has been seeing a guy who is not comfortable showing signs they are dating in public. They can't arrive anywhere together, show any PDA or leave together. But, he constantly tells her she's the one he wants to be with. It has been over a year now and my friend knows of other women he has also been seeing and she confessed to me they are considering moving in together. Merging children, finances and lives. I had to be a good friend and ask "How can you live with someone who will not claim you in public?" I was floored...but no matter what she chooses, I hope she will be happy. It took so much restraint for me to not yell while she told me. I remember when I was in that situation, being held captive to an Addiction that was not good for me. Life is ironic like that.

Speaking of my Addiction...I am doing pretty well in walking away from him. He called in November and I did not answer, simply sent a 'thank you' text days later. He sent a link to a news story in February concerning my job field. It took me weeks before I read it but never responded to him. Most recently he sent me another link to my FB account. Never an apology, never any written words outside of the subject of the emails. I know he is thinking of me but if he truly wanted to reach out? Try it with words and maybe start with an apology. Nice bait...but I am not biting. Yes, I admit to stumbling but I will not stop walking away.

I recently befriended (or so I thought) a fellow blogger. Enjoyed reading their blog and we ended up having good phone conversation and email exchanges. But after I repeatedly turned them down in the 'relationship' department (and I use that term loosely) things hit the fan. I don't know how many times I have stated here that I do NOT play the role of the other woman but I am serious about that. If you live with someone, if you have an 'understanding' with someone or if you are having relations with someone... I WILL NOT become involved with you deeper than a friendship level! Translation: I will not become physical with you. Do not ask me about my bedroom habits or specifics on my bedroom behavior. Since I asked if I would be removed from the twitter account every time we disagreed I was also removed from the blogroll. It's okay though, lesson learned. Always follow your first instincts. I view my blog as an online journal, I am flattered if you care to read it but I don't use it as a place to meet men. I meet plenty in my daily real-world life.

I am thinking of a career change. Not really a career change but trying to figure out my purpose, my passion and how to leave my mark. Have you seen someone who does something they are passionate about? There is nothing like watching them. I need to find my 'thing' and keep it close. I think I am close to figuring all of this out. If the last few days are any indication, I know I am on the right track because there are some people who are really mad at me. But I have some big ideas and plans on how to bring them into fruition.

I am at a crossroads because I think each interaction rather good or bad is having an effect on me. Each event that takes place in my life is molding me into the person I am destined to become. I may not be who I want to be but thank God I am not the woman I used to be! I had a situation last weekend that I felt I handled pretty well and reinforced to myself that I know when to walk away, when to leave well enough alone and not try to fit in. No one is living my life, this life, my daily life except for me and now I at least know when I have had my fill and where I find my joy. That tells me I am making strides and choosing the right direction at my crossroads.

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Monday, March 7, 2011

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Thank you to everyone who gave me encouragement and commented on the last post. I have recovered or should I say I am starting to recover. I took time for myself, no going out to help other people, not listening to anyone else's issues and I stayed off the dance floor. I took time to get myself together. I took time to have a long, honest look at myself and have a long, honest talk with God. I spoke my issues, my pain and what I thought was my near breaking point.

I woke up the next morning still in the clothes I wore the day before but I felt like a different person. Do not get me wrong, the world was not all rainbows and roses but the tears had stopped and my shoulders no longer carried the tension they had the day before. I spent the day cleaning my house, gave the furbaby a bath and just enjoyed the sunshine. It was a beautiful day and my porch swing offered a little comfort. The most I ventured away from home was to walk the furbaby around the neighborhood. I did have a conversation with the guy. At one point I asked him, "Do you want to be alone forever?" You might think that is cruel, but I did not ask in a cruel way nor a mean or demeaning kind of way. Sometimes, things come to me and I have no idea of what I am saying but they come in a way that makes the person hear me. This conversation needed to be had and I needed him to hear me. All things considered it went very well.

The following day was also a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I enjoyed a slow cup of coffee while watching one of my favorite reverends on television. What was his sermon on? Keeping your peace. Hmmm....I feel another theme. The guy met me for breakfast and I guess our conversation went better than I thought because I had a hard time getting rid of him. He accompanied me on a few errands and we finally parted ways in the early afternoon. Despite the conversation and the time spent together he still has a long way to go in finding himself and I am not sure I am the person who can help him navigate his way to self-discovery.

I returned home to walk the furbaby through a peaceful park and decided to tackle my budget yet again. I came up with a plan on how I'm going to survive with rising gas and food prices as well as a product idea that hit me on my trip to the west coast. I also came up with a marketing plan for the event company and a grass roots way to get more people to attend. Through all of this I slowly found my way back from being broken.

I found my strength, my inner peace that keeps me when nothing else in the world matters. I found the courage to tell people that sometimes I have to take time for me. I can not always take on the problems people bring to me. I know who I am, what I like and what I can/can not tolerate. I have the courage to ask for what I need and I respect the fact that sometimes people can not give me what I need. I have the courage to gracefully walk away from toxic relationships of any kind and I hope to have the courage and wisdom to know when to hold on and when to let go....of anything.

I found the wisdom I forgot I had. The wisdom to know I have come a long way from the woman I was. The wisdom to know I have a pretty good life despite what anyone thinks. I have the wisdom to keep on walking when tempted with a former addiction (yet again) and the knowledge to know good memories should never make you turn around but smile and keep going forward.

I do not have all the answers but I have once again found my strength, courage and wisdom. I forgot about this song until it came on my satellite radio station while I was cleaning the house. She is phenomenal...