Addictions Always Return, Don't They?

It has been years since I have battled my Addiction. You remember that, don't you?

I walked away.

I RAN away and never looked back.

Except to stare at my phone that year he called me on my birthday. It took everything I had to let my Addiction go to voicemail. But I did not answer...I was strong...and extremely proud of myself.

Earlier this fall I heard my addiction was getting married. He was marrying the "girlfriend." You remember her, the "girlfriend" he swore was not the girlfriend. They had smiling photos on a wedding site proclaiming their undying love and how they met.

Good for them. Everyone deserves to be happy, right? No sarcasm, just genuine "if you are happy, then I am happy for you." Did it sting a little? Of course but such is life. Build a bridge and get over it.  *But you know KayC did keep her eyes open for wedding photos. Ha! Come on, you were curious and so was I*

So why the post? Because going through my email today I saw this on my Linkedin feed:

"Your Addiction's" invitation is waiting for your response...

*KayC eyes the screen and wipes eyes to clear them*

Surely, my Addiction did not think enough time has passed to keep in touch? Seriously, he does not think that I would accept such an invite? And why on Linkedin and not any other social media? Is that because the former "girlfriend" now wife would see it?

Surely, he does not think that KayC gets down like that?

Now...where is the delete button....because Addictions always return. Right?

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Random Thunderstorms...Crossroads

I have several random crossroads in my life right now. What better place to discuss a few of them...


I have a friend who is very near and dear to me. She has been seeing a guy who is not comfortable showing signs they are dating in public. They can't arrive anywhere together, show any PDA or leave together. But, he constantly tells her she's the one he wants to be with. It has been over a year now and my friend knows of other women he has also been seeing and she confessed to me they are considering moving in together. Merging children, finances and lives. I had to be a good friend and ask "How can you live with someone who will not claim you in public?" I was floored...but no matter what she chooses, I hope she will be happy. It took so much restraint for me to not yell while she told me. I remember when I was in that situation, being held captive to an Addiction that was not good for me. Life is ironic like that.


Speaking of my Addiction...I am doing pretty well in walking away from him. He called in November and I did not answer, simply sent a 'thank you' text days later. He sent a link to a news story in February concerning my job field. It took me weeks before I read it but never responded to him. Most recently he sent me another link to my FB account. Never an apology, never any written words outside of the subject of the emails. I know he is thinking of me but if he truly wanted to reach out? Try it with words and maybe start with an apology. Nice bait...but I am not biting. Yes, I admit to stumbling but I will not stop walking away.


I recently befriended (or so I thought) a fellow blogger. Enjoyed reading their blog and we ended up having good phone conversation and email exchanges. But after I repeatedly turned them down in the 'relationship' department (and I use that term loosely) things hit the fan. I don't know how many times I have stated here that I do NOT play the role of the other woman but I am serious about that. If you live with someone, if you have an 'understanding' with someone or if you are having relations with someone... I WILL NOT become involved with you deeper than a friendship level! Translation: I will not become physical with you. Do not ask me about my bedroom habits or specifics on my bedroom behavior. Since I asked if I would be removed from the twitter account every time we disagreed I was also removed from the blogroll. It's okay though, lesson learned. Always follow your first instincts. I view my blog as an online journal, I am flattered if you care to read it but I don't use it as a place to meet men. I meet plenty in my daily real-world life.


I am thinking of a career change. Not really a career change but trying to figure out my purpose, my passion and how to leave my mark. Have you seen someone who does something they are passionate about? There is nothing like watching them. I need to find my 'thing' and keep it close. I think I am close to figuring all of this out. If the last few days are any indication, I know I am on the right track because there are some people who are really mad at me. But I have some big ideas and plans on how to bring them into fruition.


I am at a crossroads because I think each interaction rather good or bad is having an effect on me. Each event that takes place in my life is molding me into the person I am destined to become. I may not be who I want to be but thank God I am not the woman I used to be! I had a situation last weekend that I felt I handled pretty well and reinforced to myself that I know when to walk away, when to leave well enough alone and not try to fit in. No one is living my life, this life, my daily life except for me and now I at least know when I have had my fill and where I find my joy. That tells me I am making strides and choosing the right direction at my crossroads.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Fall Cleaning, No Longer Addicted

I was asked by email if I could ever give up my Addiction. Without thinking about it I answered "YES!" He is not the man I need to be with, he is not the man who will give me the unconditional love I seek, he is not the man...for me. Period.

I know this. I have known this since month 3 and continued to have him in my life for over a year and a half. Why? Honestly, because having him in my life for a few nights a month was better than being alone. Having him for a few nights allowed me to pretend that he was mine. Allowed me to pretend there was a man who loved me, stroked my hair and cuddled with me while we slept. Even if it was not true. We were using each other, and I have stopped it. Permanently, for good. Period.

I have walked away from my Addiction. On my own accord, without the advice from friends or the push from anyone. I have cut all ties with no explanation because by the time he realizes I am gone I will be strong enough to keep walking when he calls me to return. There is no one else, no one who will fill the empty nights left by him or fill the empty spot on my sofa the few nights he handed out when he felt ready. Somehow, I will get through them.

I am taking great care to clear out the imperfections in my life. My personal life was first, now I am working on my finances and somewhere in all of that I am continuing to find this woman. She is phenomenal, sweet, compassionate, loving, a great dancer who gives her all and deserves the same in return.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Addiction...One More Hit

My habit...
is a full blown addiction.

My name is KayC and I have an addiction. He is my addiction.

It was my first Salsa instructor's birthday. His SO announced to the group that she was secretly celebrating his birthday at my somewhat regular midweek spot. We call him Sinsei (thought we would get away from the Latin names) and birthdays are big in the Cuban community. The birthday person stands in the middle of the rueda and everyone (typically the opposite sex) dances around them until everyone gets a turn to dance with the birthday person.

That week was rough for me. I decided to take a nap and slept right through Sinsei's birthday gathering. I was disappointed that I missed it but the group decided to celebrate his birthday with another Salsera that weekend.

Of course it was at the spot owned by my addiction.

I was doing well. A simple hug hello and I tried my best to stay occupied with Salsa. But when he passed by me and played in my hair...I was done. Later, it was reiterated with the flirtation of stroking my arm or touching me as he walked by. Staring at me while I danced. Yeah, I tried not to notice but the spirit knows when it is being watched.

Strange, the attraction is growing. The woman I mentioned in my earlier posts showed up as well. She did not take the Salsa lesson but I was amused at my friend's stories about her later that night. They picked her out the crowd without knowing who she was. They stated her stalkerish behavior and faces she flashed my way as her giveaway. Apparently I would be dead if looks could kill as she constantly kept tabs on both of us.

Her misguided anger did not bother me. I love to dance and my fellow Salseros heated that place up (literally) until everyone was sweating. I had a blast! He called me groovy wonderful - as usual and I must admit those four words fed my high.

My addiction...gave me one more hit.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Drug, My High, My Habit

Listening to my sister-friend Lovebabz's blog talk radio show, I came across this song and was immediately taken in by the beat and first two lines:

She say that I'm a habit
And every time she sees me she's gotta have it

I was caught. Hook, line and sinker.

I can identify so much that I have consciously tried to put space between me and my habit. There is a definite 'it' factor to some men. Yes, he is handsome but he has issues and drama and still there is something about him that draws you in. It's the 'it' factor. If I could put my descriptive words to paper and write a book to fully explain the why and hows about it....baby, I could retire on the sales alone!

That 'it' factor keeps you going back for more when there is only less. It keeps you thinking about him when you may have not crossed his mind at all. It keeps you enchanted with someone and possibly wasting your time.

Our attraction is like a smoldering flame.

It is impossible to hide and everyone sees it, picks up on it and make comments about it. We can be on opposite sides of the room and someone will ask me if that is my dude or are they getting me in trouble 'cause dude been staring all night. Around him I feel this indescribable attraction, almost a magnetic pull that feels natural, comfortable and stagnant. I can physically feel him in the room without looking at him, feel him walk by me without looking up. Two Scorpios feed a physical desire that is unmatched by many.

Even with the positive it does not seem to grow.

I am typically not like this with people. When I decide it is time for a person to leave my life I can write you off like nothing. I am legendary for it. With him an apology holds weight. With him a miss you is golden. With him...it is so different. For the life of me I can not explain why.

He is my drug, my habit, my high and it keeps me yearning for more. I am still learning to let him go and trying to move on.

Throwing in the towel..I surrender. I am declaring here on The Storm that I will no longer feed my habit.

He is a drug and I will try my best to stop getting high...





You can download this song or the complete album here. Enjoy!



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning to Let Go

My feelings are hurt.

It was my choice.

Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.

Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.

The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.

The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.

Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.

There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.

I was wrong...

I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.

Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.


Peace & Blessings...