It was my choice.
Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.
Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.
The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.
The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.
Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.
There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.
I was wrong...
I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.
Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.
Peace & Blessings...
You are human, you make mistakes. But you also learn. You took a chance on love, but isn't that its about anyway? Don't beat yourself up too much.
ReplyDelete...Don't Go Back For More, Where There Is Only Less...
ReplyDeleteYou got something out of that relationship. It served you on some level. Now it no longer serves you. Move On! Move on with a full heart. Move on with beating yourself up. Of course you take responsibility for your actions and decisions YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN. You have to decide what you want... You have to say no to things and people and places that do not give you what you want. YOu deserve to have all that you want. You just have to beleive that.
The love you seek isn't out there... It's in YOU.
((HUGS))
..without beating yourself up I meant to say.
ReplyDeleteone thing's for sure, and the most admired quality of all, you appear to have just as firm a grip on the ending as you had in the beginning. so, i believe you will definitely take this experience as a lesson learned and keep it movin'.
ReplyDeletebut i don't think you should be mad at yourself for anything. it's not on you at all.
Ms. Insatiable,
ReplyDeleteYes, it is about taking chances and living. I am working on not beating myself up...and I do have a few great memories.
Lovebabz,
Madame Love once again you have brought me something I absolutely needed to see. Yes, there is only less there with him. The level of anger and intentional meanness that came sprewing through text messages made me realize I had no business with someone like that in my life.
After I got over the initial shock and feeling of being used I understood his purpose in my life was over. Once again you bring me a wealth of wisdom when I need it most.
Don,
The only reason I was mad at myself is because I did not walk away when I saw the warning signs. I tend to stay and tough it out until I am sure I can walk away without any doubt. You are correct...I will take this experience and become better for it.
I don't think you should beat up yourself for making such a mistake. It happens. You caught it late but you may have caught it early. This just means he just isn't worth it.
ReplyDeleteThere are bigger fishes to fry.
This made me tear up. Because I understand. Not everything you wrote but I understand taking a chance and how important communication is and with out it there is nothing and you find yourself holding on to wishes. And I know how it is to love hard.
ReplyDeleteAnd how in the end it is no one's fault but my own for holding on so long.
It is a learning experience. We understand more about ourselves in the end. What we want and what we will not settle for.
corvedacosta,
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting. I think I caught it early. In fact I think it was just in time.
The True Urban Queen,
I truly learned a lot about myself and what is life if not a learning process? Did not mean to make you tear up.
((HUGS))
to thine own self be true... you know what you want, you know what you deserve and with that you know you must let go so that the better can enter your life.
ReplyDeletei agree with don... don't beat yourself up. i had a talk with myself the other day about love. love is what we do, it's what we are commanded to do, how can we not love and how can we choose? discernment is key... and sis I know that you've got discernment.
(((MEGA HUGS)))
i know i am late but i still had to comment.. this really struck home for me.
ReplyDeletei have been in the back and forth rut for over 3 years and it was her blog that tipped me off that it was more than meet the eye with them.
i am still so confused about the entire thing. i want to kick myself for letting him in and i want to block the door to my heart and forbid anyone else from entering
hi..just passing by accident. i like your blog..but i guess what i wanna know now is, are u ok?
ReplyDeleteim hoping you are. God bless.
Diza,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by. I am ok. Still learning to let go but it is definitely easier now.
Come back again :)