Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Learning to Let Go
It was my choice.
Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.
Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.
The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.
The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.
Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.
There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.
I was wrong...
I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.
Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.
Peace & Blessings...