Monday, April 27, 2009

A Time of Transition

"Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in."

That may not be the exact quote, but you get the point. I thought I was over it, thought I was through being a victim, feeling like a victim. The tears were suppose to be gone and finished. I had cried my last cry.

So I thought...

God has a wicked sense of humor. In December I was given news that I put on the back burner and had not fully faced. That news came back with a vengeance last week and slapped me so hard, I was devastated. Now, I am faced with choices. always comes down to choices.

Funny thing is this decision is not about a choice. My choice has pretty much been made for me. This is about my transition into acceptance. To accept the things I cannot change. Accept the things I can not change. ACCEPT the things I can NOT CHANGE!!! My transition to stop trying to be everything to everyone else and be who I am for ME! There should not be any guilt for being me. I should not feel obligated to do something I may not be able to physically do. I don't owe anyone anything.

I owe it to myself to be the best person I can be within my limitations. To live for me and make me happy. I know that.

If I know that...why am I still battling the case of the guilts?

If I KNOW THAT, why do I still battle the case of the "what ifs" for possibly me?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

How I'm Feeling...It's Yours

Great music and a storm go hand in hand for me like PB&J. I have a major CD collection that is in constant rotation. It is not unusual for my home to be filled with great music and the television (as much as I LOVE movies and TV) to be turned off. You add some candles and my crush, well...TMI :)

You get the idea.

Music is the soundtrack of life. Some music grabs you by the soul and doesn't let you go. It's like the artist heard your thoughts and set them to a great melody. Right now, J Holiday must have took a peak inside KayC's heart and came up with this one. It is in heavy rotation on my appropriately titled play list The Love List on my new music player phone(I refuse to spend $200 to buy an ipod).

I would gladly go to a J Holiday concert if he was performing in an intimate setting, but I don't think I could stand the screaming teenagers of a big venue. (Hint to J's manager, he has older fans who would love to see him perform) I am loving my new phone and this song. Especially the chorus, which I would gladly sing to my crush with a glowing smile on my face...

Chorus from J. Holiday's It's Yours...

Grab my body baby
Hold my heart, don't break it
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
Ohh, and I ain't never been this way
Grab my body baby
Hold my heart, don't break it
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
Ohh, and I want you to know that I love
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)

I had to include the video. I love a man who can wear a hat well. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Love List...Understanding

*After.glow by Alonzo.Adams*

I guarantee that we'll have tough times.
I guarantee that at some point,
one or both of us will want to get out of this thing.
But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.

(From the film - Runaway Bride, 1999)

It's been a while since I've added to or even looked at my love list. I started this list after meeting the first person that caught my interest after my divorce was final. I took over a year focusing on me and healing before I even thought about giving out my phone number.

Speaking what I need and want into the universe has placed wonderful people across my path. My heart and my spirit appreciates each one of them for being the unique person that they are. For adding to my life in a way that only they can. Each person has given me a sneak peak into the next great loveship that will shape my life.

Now I know that I will be able to appreciate my next love without jealousy, fear and remorse. Other women can appreciate my loveship partner without me feeling as if she is threat. After much soul searching I know that my next loveship will be filled with mutual trust and understanding.

I understand that what I desire and need from a loveship partner is nothing less than I am willing to give and have given in the past. Just because people in the past have not been appreciative of what I offer and give freely, does not mean others will not cherish it.

I will settle for nothing less...

KayC's Love List:

56. Knows how to accept a compliment
57. Can look at things with optimism
58. Is sometimes flexible and willing to compromise
59. Not just hears me but listens to me
60. Understands that not every day will be smiles, kisses, hugs and roses
61. Has no problem apologizing...and meaning it
62. Is sincere
63. Is not afraid to say I like/love/need/want you
64. Appreciates a good make out session
65. Works through misunderstandings with me

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

One of the Last of a Dying Breed...An Endangered Species

My performance group had another successful show. I have learned so much about myself dancing and acting with this group. They have taught me that I am a phenomenal woman. God has blessed me so many talents that I have wasted until now because I never believed in myself. I internalized all the negative that people threw at me and grew armor so thick it was covered in ice.

The performance group I will affectionately refer to RR has given me wonderful opportunities to find me again. To embrace the real me and gain wonderful new friends. I've been exposed to great music and have discovered I can feel music instead of simply dance to it. I can appreciate a great percussionist and know that I am enough, regardless to what anyone has to say.

I am an endangered species. I can cook a great home made meal, I can whip up a mean red velvet cake from scratch, I know how to clean, I enjoy sports and can debate the rules with you, I know the proper way to do a squat, dead lift, kick back and bench press in the gym, I am one of the last of a dying endangered species.

My performance group danced to a song that truly spoke to me last year. This artist was best known for song Better Days, but to me this song is her greatest. I hope you enjoy it and that it speaks to all of my Endangered Species...

I am an endangered species
But I sing no victim's song
I am a woman I am an artist
And I know where my voice belongs
I know where my soul belongs
I know where I belong

Endangered Species - Dianne Reeves