Proud of Her

I posted a few years ago about my cousin and I making a pact to see the world together. We took a cruise and then things went south (the best laid plans of mice and men). She took on a part-time job and I had a few unexpected car repairs come up that took the "extra" I had planned on using for travel (outside of my scheduled performances).

Well, fast forward a few years and my cousin is now a new mommy! This is something she has wanted for some time but had experienced a great deal of complications in doing so. What makes me so proud of her? Other than the obvious thing of opening your heart and life to a precious life that requires molding and guidance? I am proud of her because she adopted a very lucky baby girl.

African-Americans tend to frown upon adoption but we have adopted for generations. We just called it "so-and-so will come stay with us for a while." Then they never left. What is adoption other than that? Kids living with relatives or friends of the family while their parents "got themselves together." Sound familiar? You had cousins growing up like siblings and friends children being treated like one of their own for many years. Adoption (to me) is just like that but with legal paperwork.

My cousin is single, never been married but knew she wanted to be a mother. She is extremely stable, has two sisters and a brother in immediate proximity who help with the baby along five nieces and nephews who are old enough to baby sit when needed (whom she helped raise and was there for daily). Like I said, this baby will never know what it is like to NOT be loved.

Photo courtesy of her Auntie

Seeing her with her new daughter warms my heart. It is strange to see her with her own child and her sisters fuss over her daughter like she is their own (I often tease her that she adopted a baby for her sisters, she is not the mom :-) Referring to her as "mommy" will take some getting used to but I am so proud of her for going after the life she wants. She knew what wanted, knew what path she wanted her life to go and made it happen. In doing so, she is making life wonderful for a little girl who might not have had the same opportunities she will have now.

One thing I do talk to lucky baby about is our little joke. Her mother and I were the last two women in the family to not have children. Lucky baby and I were lounging on the sofa and I was failing miserably at keeping her awake in an effort for her to sleep at night. Lucky baby -1, KayC - 0. 

I told her, "Your mommy and I had a pact to see the world. We were the last two who did not have babies and then she was blessed with you. Now why did she go and do that to me?"

While sleeping peacefully in my arms she stretched, smiled a little, yawned and continued to sleep.

Lucky baby indeed :-)

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Leaving the Past...NOT Always Easy

Just when you think you have it right...you are...tested. Taken through the flames you once walked through with vigor. You find yourself face to face with the same demons you thought you conquered. The same things you thought you had killed, dismembered and buried deep where there would never surface again.

Sometimes those demons come back to haunt you.

God has shown me that He (or She, whatever you prefer and whomever you worship) is in total control of my life. I showed my hand to God and He (or She) laughed at my ridiculous thoughts and vision of my future. I now know that things are in my future that I had no idea I would be blessed to have but at the same time I also know that the remnants of my previous marriage still haunt me.

It seems like every time I think I am healed, when I truly feel as if I can walk facing forward, something reminds me why I am in this place at this time. Right now it is all financial. My trust in someone that did not deserve a dime had me close to financial ruin and it seems no matter how much I try, those financial demons shape my current situation.

I try so hard not to be bitter but there are times when my humanity gets the best of me and I HATE HIM FOR IT!!! Then I hate that I was so quick to be done with him that I accepted all the debt and let him out free as a bird to enjoy life with his next wife.

While they seem to be doing extremely well (I know things are not always what they seem) I am haunted by his financial irresponsibility and my stupidity in mixing my finances with his. And now, years later I am still struggling with those choices.

It effects me...every...day.

I eagerly await the day when I can fully walk away from those bad choices. The choices that have me in a place that is currently keeping me from things I need to do. The financial issues that are now shaping my views on relationships. I need to get a handle on this before it ruins my current blessing.

Don't get me wrong, I am a stickler for budgets and I do not waste money. But it so hard to dig yourself out of a hole when you don't make much and prices in an unstable economy fluctuate like the wind.

Leaving the past behind you...is not always easy.

I MUST learn how to do it.

Soon.

What I have learned...make your choices carefully.

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Blah, Blah, Blah

I'm in kind of a blah mood. Nothing is really wrong except for the usual things in life but I'm just feeling kind of blah.

I'm looking for another gig so if anyone knows of any fabu positions in Communications/Event Planning please send them my way. Maybe I just need a change

Life is chugging along and I really do not have much to talk about. Just checking in I guess. Still dancing, still planning events, still being caregiver to the fur baby.

The dance floor is still good to me. I need to stop wearing sneakers to dance during the week. The floors are not always the best and my knees are mad at me for a few days after. I know the wear and tear is causing damage. Even with compensating my dance style for a sticky floor with rubber soled shoes I still find myself dealing with aching joints.

If you watch this clip you can see me compensating for the lack of 'glide' on the sticky floor. If you listen around the 45 second mark, you can hear my partner declare he's tired and calm down our dance pace! This is after dancing that pace for most of the 5+ minute song. ROFL!

I love that someone is always taping you or taking photos of the dance floor. I also love the fact that I very rarely notice until they show me the footage after ;-)

Dance floor Therapy...it is cheaper than the gym and a psychologist.

Blessed and Highly Favored

"What's meant for you will come your way.
No one will get what's meant for you but you."

That quote may sound redundant but my Grandmother (my family called her Dear, but I called her Granny) used to tell me that all the time. As well as this quote:

"It'll be alright after while."

She left this earth over 10 years ago but sometimes I swear I hear her in my head saying the same things. So much so, that I find myself repeating those words (in her Southern dialect) to the people around me. I said those quotes to my business partner numerous times over the past year. I kept telling her everything happens for a reason and things happen so other things can transpire.

I thought of this business idea and held onto it for over a year. I was terrified to approach anyone about it. The world of dance can be a little fickle to newcomers but she jumped on it and away we went. Talking to people on the low, putting bugs in people's ear, trying to create something that had not been done in our area.

Our first few events met with stereotypes and people trying to purposely sabotage our events. It was extremely hurtful. A deep wound forms when someone attacks your character but we talked each other through it and kept going.

Every time one of us was at our breaking point, someone would come up and tell us how much they enjoyed the last event and ask about the next date. More than a couple of times when we were faced with finding a suitable venue one would mysteriously land in our laps with an irresistible price tag that happened to be free or half off for that month. Coincidence? Not at all...

We learned valuable lessons from the ground up and approached each event as a learning experience. We make sure to greet each attendee by name and if we don't know you when you come, we know your name by the time you walk out of the door. We have been accused of making our dance nights too cozy and comfortable because people will get comfortable and sometimes forget about the dance floor. But you know what? That is fine with us because they leave with a smile on their face.

Of course you can not please everyone all the time but we are working on the select 'hard nuts to crack' and they too will leave this next event happy, sweaty and tired. I am extremely grateful for finding what I think may be my calling. I am extrememly blessed and highly favored for using the gifts God has bestowed upon me.

I am so thankful that I am growing into the person I think I was meant to be. Two years ago I made a contact with someone and kept it going just enough to work out a great deal for my little company that could. My little company that is barely one year old is hosting a room for three nights at a major event in the area.

My little company that could is being put on the map.

My little company that met all that opposition is now being marketing by the very people who tried to shut us down.

My little company that could...is proving that it CAN!

And for that...I am extremely grateful, humbled and have the strength to keep going.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Time and Chance Meetings

I wrote in February about my trip to San Francisco and the more downs than ups experienced by my performance group. What I did not mention in that post was the meeting of a legend in the Salsa dance community.

I dragged into the hotel lobby with my performance group Director after our more than four hour flight delay and paying triple the cost of a cab ride because transit was closed. There were no smiles on our faces and everyone could tell we were exhausted. A smile found the way to my Director's face when this thin-framed man walked up to her and spoke softly in Spanish while hugging her with a bear hug of an old friend.

He turned to me and asked my name. She introduced me and he immediately took my hand, looked me in the eyes, said what a pleasure it was to meet me and kissed my hand. (All in Spanish, of course). I returned the kind greeting in English and he asked my friend/Director if I spoke Spanish. She assured him I could understand him and he continued our conversation in Spanish as I returned his answers in English. He said he would talk to us over the weekend as we dragged ourselves to our room.

I had many interactions with him over the weekend. Every time he saw me he kissed my hand and told me what a delight it was to see me (All in Spanish, to this day I never heard him speak English). As I mentioned in my previous post I was sick most of the weekend so I missed his class on Rumba but got a lesson in the roots of Salsa and how most instructors are not teaching it properly in the U.S. over breakfast that Saturday morning.

I am always told I have an old soul and my spirit connects with people. I wondered why he was drawn to me in my group of 6 ladies, many of which he had met years before. I can only say that old spirits connected like they had known each other for years. Maybe they have known each other way beyond anything we can comprehend in this lifetime.

I received the news through the Salsa connection that he recently died. I had no idea he was sick when I met him in San Francisco. I had no idea that chance meeting with him would be my one and only interaction with a man who touched the dance world way beyond the Rumba/Afro-Cuban/Salsa teacher I knew. My description of him in this tiny post in my small blog does not come close to touching the tip of what a gift he was the dance community.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Our spirits met again in this world and I am looking forward to being lucky enough to meet him again in the next. The dance world has suffered a great loss but I smile every time I think of him kissing my hand and saying what a pleasure it was to meet me.

It was a great pleasure to meet you as well, Pupy. Rest in Peace my friend.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

M.I.A.

I have been M.I.A. from this blog. Mainly because it is the end of the school year and working in education means that I have been extremely busy these past few weeks. That pace will continue for the next two weeks. It has stressed me out and tired me out. Not only have I been M.I.A. from this blog but I have also been M.I.A. on the dance floor. Gasp...yeah, I know.

I no longer like my job. I like what I do and the fact that I still have a place of employment but this place is wearing me down. I'm scared the new stupidity level may be contagious so I don't drink the water. I'm not joking. It amazes me how people's sense of self-entitlement means I need to stop everything I am doing and cater to them. Shaking my head and walking away. Did someone mention vacation time? Yeah, I need some of that...real soon.

On a brighter note that little events company is the little engine that could and it is pushing right along. Four events down and three more scheduled for this year. I am geeked about a three-day party we have the pleasure of co-sponsoring. That should translate into a lot of good dancing and late night partying. I am looking forward to that like a kid looks forward to Christmas. Maybe I can shed the extra few pounds that have found their way to my body. No one is complaining except for my wallet and wardrobe. I plan to re-introduce myself to the dance floor this summer so maybe I can dance them back off?

Other than my work frustration there is not much going on in The Storm. I'm claiming my backyard from the large tree the power company decided to cut sideways and checking off my to do list around the house. I am cured from the Addiction and have not gone back that route and pretty content with my personal life. (not ready to share any of that quite yet) Life is wearing me out right now and I can barely keep my eyes open although it's only around four in the afternoon.

I need a nap but I have to sit through a retirement reception and a boring meeting before that happens :-( I am not sure what lesson I am supposed to learn from this but I really need to figure it out!


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Let Me Lay it on the Line

There is so much going on around me.

So much that I finally broke down. Literally, I broke down. Yes, there were tears. At work...which I never, ever allow myself to do. At my desk as well as the break room (thank God I was there alone) and apparently I could no longer hide it because everyone tiptoed around me all day. I was not angry, I was defeated. Broken...

It happens to everyone at some point and for me it was a few days ago. So much drama swirling around me that on top of the tears my body shut down. I passed out in increments of an hour at a time for the past few days. I am sure the jet lag had something to do with it as well.

The last time this happened to me I was going through a divorce. Quietly, I was going through hell trying to keep a straight face and recover from the pitfalls of bad finances, a bad marriage and saving face. This time it was because of opposition from the events company, much needed repairs to the house, something trying to resemble a relationship, a very disappointing trip, dead-end job and the rising cost of living with a decreasing pay check. If you follow this blog you also know my struggles of coming to grips with my slim chances of having children. Which means I am not doing well with my sister who is pregnant with her second child and hating every minute of it. Guess who gets the "When are you next" questions, yet again?

So, as I start to reclaim myself, catch up on rest, give the opposition truly something to envy, tell the guy to consider his path, contemplate a new job in this economy, re-adjust my budget, put on a happy face for my sister as she complains about hating pregnancy and wanting a boy instead of another girl and figure out how to put a band aid on the house repairs until I get them taken care of I try to remind myself that I can only control how I deal with things.

The smile is not back on my face but I am no longer breaking down. As I began to pick up the pieces around me I try to remind myself that God must have a plan for me and there must be some happiness somewhere in this. A lesson to be learned.

Because as the battle lines are drawn, I am not sure how much fight I have left in me.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Outside Your Door...

I am standing outside your door. Thinking, contemplating, trying to get up the nerve to move this...somewhere. Forward? Backward? I am not sure but I am sure that it is time to make it move somewhere other than here. My new-found confidence has left me in this place of needing to surrender or retreat. Needing to know a feeling of reciprocity or walking away in retreat, not defeat.

This is not defeat because the time spent together will forever be pleasant memories that bring smiles to my face. Memories of burning holes in the dance floor hardwoods and wiping sweat as we dipped, stepped and swayed to different rhythms from around the world.

Here I stand outside your door. A woman simply asking a question. Talk to me?

Can't Keep Running Away

I am spoiled. I realized in just a short amount of time that a certain someone has spoiled me beyond belief. They can talk to me about anything without being afraid of me running away and I now expect the same from everyone else.

I expect to be able to put it out there and have it put out there in return. Instead, I got the same old games and it is extremely dissapointing. I do not like certain aspects of my life right now. There are a few things I would change and the level of communication I experience is definitely one of them. Surely it is possible to have wonderful verbal communication as well as physical? You don't have to settle for one or the other, right?

Seriously, after a certain age both men and women should be able to plainly ask for what they want, ask for what they need and what they are looking for? They should be able to express how they feel in plain terms without belittling or malicously hurting the other person. Seriously...

At what point, at what age, at what life experience do you realize...you can't keep running away?


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

This year has been a whirlwind. As I look out into the cold rain that has engulfed my window I humbly ask for the ability to keep it together. To have the strength to help my mother through her trying times as well as the eloquence to communicate in a way that will be thought provoking yet mild enough to penetrate her thick shell.

I ask for continued blessings for my sister and her family. My niece is growing by leaps and bounds and I ask for her continued happiness, joy and growth to become a wonderful young lady. Understanding for my baby brother and sister that they know I think of them often even if we are apart. The courage for them (or myself) to pick up a phone to hear each others voices while we have the ability to do so.

Peace of mind for my cousins as they battle their own demons and find their place in this world. I ask for the ability to find my footing and keep my roots as things continue to push against me. Flexibility as I stretch and hopefully not break under the pressures of everyday life.

There are many things I can ask for...the winning lottery numbers for the $140 million, new car, new job. But at the end of the day none of that really matters.

I humbly ask for the things that matter...to me.

Peace & Blessings...

Get Your Foot OFF My Neck!

I was floating. Literally.

The last few weeks had me floating on air. There was a smile on my face, a spring in my step and a glow that had not been there for quite some time. Without warning, without regard I suddenly feel like this picture.

Whoever said "words can never hurt me" flat out lied. Words have hurt me, rocked my unexpected happy-go-lucky-self like a buckshot straight to the gut. It shocked me back to that dark place, full of doubt, fear and self-questioning. Just when I had made it out, when it no longer hurt I am slung back into defense mode.

I knew there would trials and tribulations. It is not fair to judge before knowing all sides of the story but it is hard not to jump to conclusions when the negative seems like the truth. When you are back in a position that ended so badly the first go around.

This time...I need to handle it better. This time...I need to calm myself and seek peace before seeking the truth. This time...no matter the outcome, I will be okay when the world gets it's foot OFF my neck!!!

Growing Roots

I have learned so much about myself in the last 2 years since I started this blog. The most important thing to me right now is I have been in my home for an entire year. I am not waiting on that dreadful letter to be taped to my front door telling me my rent will increase by X amount of dollars. Nor am I dreading the move to another location because I have awful neighbors.

This year I have become part of a community. I can walk the furbaby and talk with my neighbors. I can paint my walls, plant that much anticipated rose garden and try my green thumb at growing Calla Lilies. I can replace the flooring and decorate without worrying about losing my deposit.

What I am trying to say is that I finally have roots. I am stable in this place and time and it is a very different feeling for me. It grounds me in a way that I have never known. I look forward to coming home and have a few favorite spots around the house that makes me kick back and forget the world.

I have reconnected with family and friends as well as found comfort in myself again. I can see it in the pictures I take, my hair is shinier, my skin is brighter and life just seems better. I am attracting people who should be around me and I can sense when I need to politely keep them at bay. I am comfortable with my feelings, my shortcomings and learning that not each day will be sunshine but each day will bring growth.

Can you pick me out in the diva heels?

I know that not every relationship will last forever but that I should enjoy it while it does and try to be as happy as I can for as long as I can. I have learned that each experience shapes you, each relationship makes you grow and if you are lucky love finds you along the way.

I am growing roots and it feels great...


Peace & Blessings...

My World in Zeros and Ones...

"Your world is zeros and ones," he said.

"Zeros and ones?" I asked.

He smiled at me then replied, "Yes, everything is very cut and dry with you. Either black or white. Like I said...zeros and ones."

That was a recent conversation with a friend when he laughed after I said our lines are becoming blurred. I seriously thought about what he said and why my world consists of zeros and ones. A former friend used to tell me all the time that I lived in a world of black and white with no shades of grey.

Funny, I think back to my failed marriage and realize that I lived in shades in grey for almost a decade. For 10 years I lived a life of constant doubt. Not knowing if I would come home to find half the closets empty or if I would get an earful because some random guy decided to stare at me as we walked by. Life was a constant shade of grey until late 2007.

Now I find that there is safety is black and white. There is a comfort in living within a world of zeros and ones. I like to know what I am getting, like to have a firm grasp of the situation before I allow myself to jump into the deep end. My way of trying to protect myself from blatant hurt is to know as much as possible before making a decision.

I do not close myself off from love and have worked hard to leave my cold exterior with my former last name. Throughout the past 2 years I have become more social, more open to new things, new people and new experiences, but I prefer to have my life in zeros and ones. I like surprises...but not ALL surprises!

Peace & Blessings...

Clarity and Colorgenics

I have been in a funk lately. A good old-fashioned don't-push-me-'cause-I-might-revert-to-my-ghetto-roots-and-cut-you funk. My job has given me more work than 2 1/2 people can manage in a 40 hour work week to utilize my skill set during our budget cuts. At the same time giving me more events to plan and things to coordinate.

My person of interest has shown me he may not be worthy of half the attention I am giving him. The few others who have captured my attention are either dying of a terminal disease, much older than I would date or already have women in their lives. Let me tell you dear Blog family, KayC does not play the other woman. Woooo-saaaahhhhhh!

After having an extremely frustrating work week (I know it's only Thursday) and informing one of the men in my life that I am done trying to persuade people to spend time with me, you either want to or you don't I danced myself happy on the Salsa floor and tried my best to sweat out my natural curls. Luckily I found great dance partners and danced myself silly for a few hours. LOVE this photo. We danced for 5 straight songs until we both said "No Mas!" He also taught me how to do triple turns *doing my happy dance.

I ran across this post on Colorgenics via Thoughts of an ADHD Drama Queen and decided to try it for myself. Amazing how accurate it is and I think it pretty much sums it up. What do you think?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: KayC, The Quiet Storm
Date: 8/20/2009
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.



I am going to enjoy some live jazz tonight in another effort to work hard AND play hard. Not sure where this current journey is taking me, but Lord knows it is humbling. You can try Colorgenics for yourself here.

Until I gain some type of clarity at this point of my life journey...

Peace & Blessings...

Only Two Years...What Would You Do?

"You just happened to happen to me."

Two people on two separate occasions told me this. They quoted each other word for word. God has a wicked sense of humor.

One of them I met a little while ago while Salsa dancing and there was an instant ease between us that made me not think twice about giving him my number or hanging out with him and his friends. We started to hang out every few days and continue to meet at the local spots to dance.

We met for dancing, dinner and movies. There were walks through the park and great conversation. No pressure for romance, no pressure to make anything out of it. We agreed to just let whatever happens happen. I was enjoying it and thinking about the possibilities when we had a conversation that started like this:

"I need to tell you something. But it will change our relationship forever."

The creative mind in me instantly thought of everything. Marriage, drugs, lifestyle, etc. I could never fathom that the person who was quickly becoming my friend and maybe something else was dying.

"I have stage IV terminal cancer."

Nothing could have prepared me for that. Terminal? Two years? WTH?!?!?!

He was right. It did permanently change us. I am a lot of things and loyal to a fault is one of them. Having an extremely large heart and being a nurturer is another. I wonder what could of been...might have been...what could possibly be. Forming a relationship with someone who is terminally ill is like walking under a guillotine and waiting for it to fall.

One year. According to his doctor's schedule he has one year left. Is it fair to withdraw from someone over something that is beyond their control? Is it fair to get involved with someone when you know the outcome is not favorable? It was not a choice, no one chooses to die in their 30s. No one chooses to die with a 4 year old daughter who is too young to remember them.

Imagine...what would you feel if someone told you they wanted to spend their last year alive getting to know you better? I can't help but wonder what my lesson is in this. Something has to come out of this experience.

What would YOU do?

Peace & Blessings...

Why I Dance...

I've had many people ask questions about my choice to take up dance so late in life. They say "Yeah, that's cool" while giving me the side-eye and indifferent body language when they hear my answers.

Typically as Blacks/African-Americans/Afro-Americans (whichever you prefer) we do not delve into other cultures. We typically have no interest in learning about other people. I have always had a curiosity of other cultures, other languages and other people. Growing up I wanted to take dance, gymnastics, girl's scouts...all the things that wold require you to meet other people from other backgrounds. Unfortunately, growing up as an only child with a single mother there was no "extra" money to do any of those things. Money became even tighter after I started college and non-existent throughout my marriage.

Finally when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the chance to take dance, ballet, jazz, African, modern and that opportunity led to free Salsa lessons which led to free Bachata and Meringue. Yep, all of it is free!

Now as I get deeper into dance and want to improve my technique I think I will finally pay for an advanced class. That is only after two years of dance. Why do I dance? Because I finally get to fulfill a long-term desire and a longed for dream.

Dancing has placed incredible people in my path that I would not have met otherwise. And above all else...even when I am having a horrific day (like last Wednesday) I can go to a free Salsa event and the minute a man (many of whom I have never met) leads me into that first turn, a smile magically appears on my face and I forget all the B.S. in life and just enjoy that moment for every uplifting feeling it brings.

THAT is why I Dance!


Peace & Blessings...

What do you NEED? A Question Asked & Answered

I made an attempt to answer the questions "Who are YOU?" and "What do YOU want?" in this post. After posting my answers, I received this comment:

if i might ask
what do you need? - Sharon

It caught me off guard but after thinking about it, she was right. If I know who I am and what I want I should have no problems figuring out what I need, right? Wrong!

I immediately thought about needs vs. wants and made my initial list.

I need:

- a roof over my head.
- food in my pantry.
- to pay my bills.
- to fix that leak under my sink before the cabinets mold
- to fix my creaky stairs
- a better paying job



I need...none of those things.

Really, with the exception of the first two I do not NEED to have those things, but would like to have them.

I need to be loved, to be touched/held/entangled with a person who enjoys doing so. I need to wake up every day feeling like my life has a purpose and not wander around aimlessly in a dull routine that feeds my anger and frustration.

I need to see the wagging tail of my furbaby and the antics he comes up with while throwing his unstuffed toys around the house.

I need to laugh at least daily because it makes me feel good.

I need to know that beyond all else, God has a plan for me and has my back when NO ONE seems to understand or care.

I need to know there is something more to this thing we call "life" and the struggle that goes with it.

"What do you NEED?"

Who knew that question would be the most difficult to answer...


Peace & Blessings...

Learning the Lesson...Cont'd.

Thank you to my fellow bloggers (QueenBee, Lovebabz, MsKnowitall, Brandee, Insatiable One, The True Urban Queen and 12Kyle) for stopping by and adding words of encouragement and wisdom as I retreated and forgot the world. Your words did not fall on deaf ears nor blind eyes and I needed every one of them.

Almost a year ago I wrote this post about learning the lesson. God continues to put things in our path to make us deal with them, to make us stop running and come full circle on your wants versus your needs. If you do not learn the lesson you are doomed to repeat it until you do. This is my belief...

I am slowly coming to terms with my initial medical prognosis and waiting on the part two that will be in soon. It is not an easy wait nor is it something I ever thought I would be faced with. Life is funny like that, it only takes an instant to change your perspective and my perspective has changed drastically in the past week and a half.

My beyond wonderful fam (the group of friends that have become my surrogate family) have rallied around me despite their own drama to check on me, text me, call me and take me out to get my mind off my wait. They are beyond words and I am truly grateful for each and every one of them.

They have taken me to my favorite restaurants, accompanied me salsa dancing, shared great birthday celebrations and great glasses of wine. Despite their best efforts, through it all I thought I just needed to be held. When in fact God sent me exactly what I needed...a long walk through the park where I found a great ear to listen and great conversation.

As I continue to wait on test results I realize that I do own a fear that is warranted, but I also own hope and the fact that I am surrounded by people that genuinely love me, the real me and continue to uplift me through it all.


Peace & Blessings...

Who are YOU? What do YOU want? - My Answers

My parallel life traveler and blog sister Lovebabz recently posted these questions and it really got me to thinking. On the surface these questions seemed so simple, but in essence are so complicated that they seemed to have stumped quite a few bloggers.


Who are YOU?

I am a person who feels deeply, although my face may show ice or my actions show a means to get it done. If you learn how to decode my facial expressions you will have instant access into my soul. Because of this I have been told to go into acting, yes I love performing but have no desire to delve into that field at my age and be a starving artist again.

I am a person who believes in love. After years of nursing myself back to a healthy relationship with love, I truly believe in love. Love does not keep score, it allows you to be who you are with no repercussions or fall out. Hurt feelings are human nature, hurting someone's feelings repeatedly is a different story. Love will find me and I will be able to give and receive love and enjoy it. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just don't understand that we are holding onto the things that God is trying to take away. Yes Lord, I surrender. I no longer fight to keep things, people or feelings that I should have let go long ago. I now know that God doesn't do coincidences. When people fall out of my life, I should leave them there.

I am a nurturer and a giver. My friends call me loyal...sometimes to a fault. I can be brutally honest at times. I believe if your friends can not tell you the truth, no one can. My family is important to me, they include people related by blood and those I have added to my family over the years.

Titles do not matter to me. Who cares if you are a Regional President when you have no time to spend with me? I enjoy cuddling while watching a movie or engaging in a good conversation. I could care less if you wear a suit to work or a uniform. It is all a means to make money to pay bills. What I do care about is your spirit, your being and how responsible you are.


What do YOU want?

I want to know happiness. Every day is not filled with kisses, roses and romance but I want to enjoy as many days as possible for as long as possible.

I want someone in my life who appreciates all that I give and reciprocates that to the best of their ability. We will NOT try to out due each other, but realize that being together makes life better, easier and more enjoyable.

I want my own family no matter what the makeup of that is. In this day and age bonus children are almost a guarantee and that doesn't bother me since I recently found out I may not be able to have children of my own. I am in my 30s and have three other siblings from two other mothers. I am well-equipped and pre-disposed to have a productive relationship with a man with children. As long as he loves furry children as well :)

I want to travel the world and experience different cultures. I want to get married on the beach at sunset and dance the night away with good friends, family and relatives until my feet beg for mercy. I want to know that my life here on this earth made a difference to someone...

In a nutshell...

That is who I AM and that is what I WANT.

Sometimes, When it Rains...

When it rains
I only want to be held and rocked
Rub my hair and tell me it's okay
For time to stop ticking on the clock
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
I hate the storms
but love the sound
i like learning the lesson
but can't stand the pain, profound
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
So hard to remember the good
When the bad invades
Seems like forever
like running a Boston in Spades
Sometimes, when it rains...

When it rains
My mind can't wrap around it
That it must rain for things to grow
It needs sunshine and rain, I know
But sometimes, when it rains...

Copyright 2009 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

It's been raining here off and on for weeks. I like the rain, love the sound of raindrops against the windowpane. I love the wind and melody it makes. Growing up my grandmother used to tell us "to be still and let God do his work." Funny how I still do that to this day.

Rain makes me want to grab a good book and cuddle up with my quilt. Years ago I remember cuddling with my SO and we would literally lay around the house all day. Now...there is no SO, it's just me and my quilt.

Days like today make me long for someone in my life. A serious someone who holds the same interest in me the I do of him. No games, no pretense, just transparency. Sunny days are easy, those days go by like clockwork. They do not make my heart hurt, they do not make me long for something that I miss.

But sometimes, when it rains...