Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Love List...Learning to "Breathe"

I am showing so many signs of being open to love again. The most obvious is the smile on my face and the music I listen to. A couple of years ago after a community service event, I was walking through a local mall and my Soror and I were literally "drawn" to the HP cart because of a song that was playing. After learning the speakers were over $250, we decided to purchase the CD instead :) After my initial introduction to Raheem DeVaughn, his song Breathe has kept me captivated since that day:

The ultimate pleasure's giving pleasure
Yeah, I'm a Taurus
they say that we're patient lovers
Are you a Scorpio, Cancer, Capricorn?
On the cusp?

Yes, I am a Scorpio and we are known for our sexual energy. Something I never quite knew until recently. After soul-searching and discovering so much about myself in 2008, I realized how much of an emotional and sexual creature I truly am. It took me a while to realize this because I didn't know how to slow down and enjoy the little things in life. Having my world torn apart in 2007 made me realize I had to enjoy what I had. It made me learn to breathe.

If you should feel thirsty,
I'll be sure to bring you water
Yes, girl I got candles that
will slow burn longer
And I know your favorite love song
and how you like it on repeat
Me, I was born a patient lover
so I'll start with your feet

I have learned that I must be patient, enjoy every day for what it is. It will not be perfect and will probably bring me blows and make me stumble, but I must take each blow as it comes and continue to breathe. Take baby steps in the darkness until I reach the light. Know that not everyone deserves my time and my love. My love is a gift that is to be respected and earned. It is not to be given away freely to people who take it without appreciation. For it is a precious gift that needs to be reciprocated.

I'll do my best to inspire you
To dream of us til we meet again
You may even be encouraged
To take a walk so we can love again
The Most High outdid herself when
She created you
And girl I am thankful
For how our love has bloomed

I have learned that I am a loyal person who gives my everything in a relationship. If I trust you I will trust you to the end, even if I have made a fool of myself along the way. I listen to Breathe thinking that there are other people out there who feel the same, and that thought truly makes me breathe a little easier.

It would be like when hearts beat as one
It would feel like no ordinary kiss
You and I
Now close your eyes
and picture us
Breathing life...into love

Those lyrics are fire, aren't they?

KayC's Love List:

41. Does not take advantage of my loyalty
42. Keeps his promises
43. Doesn't feel the need to brag about what he has or has accomplished
44. Knows how to enjoy a good kiss
45. Understands that foreplay starts long before you hit the sheets
46. Makes an effort to get to know my friends, family and relatives
47. Is comfortable merging our lives and friends
48. Can be described like this by me because he is the truth, no facades
49. Knows when to leave "well-enough" alone
50. Can enjoy a good glass of wine and great music after a long day

KayC's Love List # 1-20
KayC's Love List # 21-30
KayC's Love List # 31-40

Friday, October 24, 2008

What Does Good Love Feel Like?

I have been awarded by MsKnowitall.

I am deeply honored to be on her Brilliante 5 list.

I started blogging as an outlet. An outlet for my fears, emotional abuse, and loneliness that I suffered in a not-so-easy marriage. I have met wonderful people while going through this journey. They have shared my struggles, pain and evenutally joy as we set out on a path of healing. It is amazing how someone can encourage you and give you strength when they don't know your real name, while the people who see you everyday trip you up.

Makes me think of the Anita Baker song, Good Love. Yes, I want to know what it feels like...

I wanna know what good love feels like
good love, good love
I want a love that's sure to stand the test of time
I wanna know what good love feels like
good love, good love
Morning, noon and night
Forever all my life...

It's coming. God has not brought me this far to leave me.

I give my Brilliante acknowledgement to the bloggers who help me with my journey. I don't have to list them, they know who they are. They encourage me on my difficult path when I take 2 steps forward only to find myself stumbling 3 steps back. They celebrate with me on the highs and poke me to get up from the lows.

They help me to celebrate my brillance.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I Ain't Had a Crush in Years

I wanna' hold you in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I ain't had a crush in years... - Hey Lover, L.L. Cool J

Well, more like a decade and I find myself in wonderful uncharted territory. I am ready to admit that I have a crush. After years of nursing a broken heart, I am finally ready to have someone in my life. My heart has started to experience emotions that I have not felt in quite some time. Funny how your physical and emotional being can jump right back in nothing happened. Like riding a bike.

We spend so much time nursing the insecurities and feelings of I don't want to be hurt again or let me protect my heart that we forget as human beings we need interaction. We crave it and we thrive on it.

I have fought this crush for a little while now, but am giving in to it. I am surrendering, falling out of my comfort zone to see what happens. Excited about the possibilities, the infinite probabilities of love returning to my life.

It feels wonderful.

I do have moments of fear, of wondering what if. What if this man hurts me? What if this man treats me like the others? What if...

But I pack those thoughts away. I try to squash them as soon as they surface and revel in the fact that he is NOT the ex, he is a different being in a different time. And has come into my life for a reason. Right now, I am enjoying the companionship. And for me, that is the first step.

One GIANT step.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Backsliding, It's Not Easy Being Green

I confess. I hit a slick patch on my journey of happiness and I slid. Backslid, actually. I realize I not immune to backsliding but thought I had finally found myself on sure footing. My slip was not a slight slip of the foot, it was more like a tumble down a flight a stairs. Now I find myself thinking about my decisions and if they truly are good, solid decisions.

I know this post will sound vague and that makes sense because I meant for it to be vague. In my present state of mind I am not ready to make heads or tails of it. What I do know, what I thought I knew, slipped out from underneath me yesterday in a few long conversations that made no sense. Well, actually they did make sense but gave no clear resolutions.

The conversations left me feeling a little blue today, well maybe it was better stated that It's Not Easy Being Green. If you have been following me long enough you remember my fondness for great children's music and soundtracks. He says it better than I ever could...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Beautiful Brown Brothers...Part III

I have bragged on the men in my life a few times this week. I wanted to post every day but the germs I was fighting made it a little difficult.

The men in my life must have felt the positive vibes flowing their way because they kicked it up a notch, much to my good fortune. The DD without children called on Wednesday to check on me. No one knew I was home sick, but he called to see how I was settling in at the new place. Gotta' love him. He is married to my self-proclaimed "road dog, ride or die, sister-girl, line-sister, do we need to go ride out? let me put my boots on, friend." It has been wonderful getting to know him and he is very good for her.

This week I reflected on the men in my life and the purpose they serve. They are each vastly different, not only in their occupations, but in their personalities. A few are creative, a couple are analytical and one is just...himself. Don't get me wrong they have their faults, they choose the wrong women, make huge mistakes and dumb choices just like everyone else.

They know they are dead wrong when they call for advice and I simply tell them what they already know. But I appreciate that they are good men, strong men, men that keep my hope alive that one day I will share my life with someone similar to one of them. For various reasons each one came into my life, and even though they are not the man for me (well, maybe one is still vying for the title) they will make any woman a great life-partner...eventually ;)

For JC, RB, FC, DD and the other DD, this is for you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Beautiful Brown Brothers...Part II

I am back today to continue bragging and celebrating men. I missed posting yesterday due to fighting off germ nastiness (and medicating and rest). Today I want to focus on the men who give so much of themselves to their children. They are not fathers, for fathers can be anyone who makes a child. Some of the men in my life have children and JC, FC and one of the DDs can truly be defined as dads.

I watch them with their children and hear them talk about spending time with them, sending them text messages to let them know they love them (I know, wonderful right?) and combing hair every day. I hear FC tired after working twelve hour shifts and making two stops before heading home because "my son called and asked if I could..." Part of me wished that I had experienced some of what they offer their children, while the other part makes me feel wonderful that there are men like them in the world.

I saw this clip and instantly thought that any of my dad friends would fit into this clip (expect for FC since he has sons). But I loved how cute this clip was. Enjoy this bit of daddy hood on TV if you are lucky enough to catch it on the tube. And big ups to my daddy friends who made it possible for me to believe that dads still existed.

P.S. you can find this clip on who helps to promote responsible fatherhood and healthy marriages.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Beautiful Brown Brothers...Part I

This week is for the men in my life who helped to restore my faith in men when it crumbled to almost nothing. I am celebrating men who do things that pleasantly shock and surprise. This is not totally based on looks, even though I am sure I will throw some eye candy in here somewhere. I am not sure how often I will celebrate our shades of beautiful brown brothers, but they get beat up enough. I shout out the men in my life, JC, RB, FC, DD, and the other DD, this is dedicated to you...

I appreciate you...
if you think no one cares
know that I do

I will lift you
like you lifted me

give you the shoulder
when you need it

take you for a drink
to help drown it

keep you
on the straight on narrow

give you advice
only when you seek it

...for i appreciate you

I see the images of black men changing in the media. The Gillete commercial with the brother who rocks the fierce afro. The sales papers with black men sporting locks down their backs, have you noticed the subtle changes? Do you enjoy them like I do? Now we are shown different looks, heights, skin tones, muscular sizes and the new mixed race ambiguous brothers.

Black, African-American or Brown (whatever you may call them) they are a diverse group and I fully appreciate all the diversity offers ;) I am not one to discriminate on the basis of hue, class or job title.

In keeping with my theme of the week I couldn't say it better than this man. Let's start with old school this week. A man who made our mothers (and some of us) swoon like nobody's business. This time he is not singing, but he does a good job anyway.

The one and only...Mr. Smokey Robinson