Damaged

As I sit here waisting my life away at the DMV I decided to give this mobile blogging thing a try.

Damaged
So Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
My heart is damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before....

Tell me are you up for the challenge
'Cause my heart is damaged.
Lyrics from - Danity Kane


It is true.

My heart is damaged.

In being pursued I am very honest with my suitor and myself and I know just how damaged I am. In being honest with myself I have confessed my shortcomings, explained why I like moving in tortoise speed and am leery of words. He says he understands. Looks me in the eye when he asks me to "stop running" and will tell me when I can't even realize it "you're running again."

He is patient, he is kind. I wonder if I will get tired of running before he tires of the chase. It is not done on purpose. It is almost instinct. There is no maliciousness in my running and I sincerely do not wish to hurt him. My past creeps up on me like a ninja in the night - totally unexpected and unforgiving. I have come a long way in this healing process but have a long way to go before I am fully healed. Often I wonder if I will ever heal completely?

I have emerged carefully from behind my wall a few times and immediately retreated to its safety when things became too intense too quickly. He looks at me and sees me. I wonder if what he says is true. If his actions are sincere or rehearsed.

Only time will tell.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

He Called Me Out

"Dating someone who is divorced requires patience," he stated. Barely above a whisper.

I looked at him side-eyed but did not respond. Wanted to see where he was going with it. Because I KNOW he was not calling me high maintenance.

"You require patience. I understand, it's cool," he said as he looked back at me side-eyed with a wicked grin on his face. "I can be patient."

"You calling me high maintenance on the sly?" I could not resist the question.

He laughed at me.

"Long way from it, Luv. You're extremely cautious. You hide behind a brick wall. Think you can put in a door or at least a window?"

His words stung.

After several moments I replied, "Guess I've made progress. The wall was covered in ice with a moat around it. I'll see what the contractor quotes me and get back to you. The window probably...but the door," I shook my head. "You may be pushing it."



He called me out.

I say I am open to love, want it and need it. Have my arms open to allow it to walk right in but when it comes down to it...I hide behind a brick wall. Since my re-entry into this dating world I have not been treated poorly but have not been treated well either. It is my fault. I have allowed men to give me bits and pieces, snacking on crumbs while nursing a huge hunger that requires a full meal.

I have allowed men to give tidbits of time as they deem fit while they carved out pieces of themselves for me and her and her. Settled for just OK when I desired more, gave more and thought having a starting lineup would help fulfill the emptiness left by the franchise player. I was approaching this all wrong...waiting on men to realize I was worthy of their time and commitment when the truth is they knew I would never be their 'one' but it did not stop me from patiently pursuing the few I chose.

But now...I am being pursued. Courted.

The very thing I write about here at The Storm and comment on various posts of fellow bloggers is happening to me.

Invites to events, having dinner cooked for me, being introduced to friends and associates. Yes, even passing the friendship test way before being more than a friend was a consideration (on my part at least).

And I am running away...

We met by chance at an event I attended with my Salsa group. It was a Christian singles event and we were invited to spark interest in Salsa before classes began at the next event. He was the DJ (another creative mind, can't seem to get away from them) and I asked for a card (always the event planner) because he was literally rocking the place. Only to find out we already knew each other in passing.

That Blue & White world is too damn small.

The conversation lured me in. He is an orator and has an amazing way with words. There is nothing like a man who can express himself. Who can give you a compliment in one breath and tell you you're trying his patience with the next and it comes across as nothing short of communication. It is not mean or angry and it leads to conversation instead of arguments.

What's the problem? I knew you would ask.

I am an old soul and he is young. Sometimes it shows. Younger than anyone I have ever dated or considered dating. Not KayC you are being a Cougar young but a good 4 years younger. And being in the Blue & White network means there is someone he has a history with that I know...pretty well.

He makes a living in the entertainment industry which I vowed to step away from. Especially after my Addiction. Women flock to Men Behind the Mike (Thanks to Mrs. Mary Mack for that term) and that lifestyle is not easy on relationships even when you do trust your partner.

He is not physically what I would go for. I am shallow...and I can call myself out on it. Actually, I am not shallow I just want the total package. Whatever that is for me. I have settled before with someone because he had a great personality and when that personality began to fade and the 'real him' came out I no longer liked him and there was nothing else to him. Nothing to spark my interest and that is not a good place to reside.

I am treading dangerous waters and I have no clue what I am going to do. But I can tell you that being pursued by someone who makes the time to do so is a wonderful feeling. Being around someone who gives you space at events but can turn around and tell you, "I know what I want and I want you. I am going to pursue you."

Great feeling indeed.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...This Type of Love

I am a hopeless romantic. Have been a member of the hopeless romantic club since I can remember. It has nothing with fairy tale books or Disney movies. My house had no real signs of healthy relationship-type love growing up, so I have no clue where this devout hopeless romantic trait has its roots. Maybe it was my desire to be the opposite, to break the cycle, to have the unattainable? My fantasies have nothing to do with a man on a white horse who whisks me away to live happily ever after.

I simply believe in love.

I believe in deep-my heart skips a beat when I see you-get butterflies when I'm walking to you-can feel the sparks when I touch you- type of love. Enduring love that makes deep kisses not deep enough and the morning rays of sunshine come way too fast-type of love. The type of love where people look at you looking at him/her and smile an all-knowing smile because you can't hide it type of love.

I want that type of love.

I need that type of love.

One day it will find me...this type of love:





Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting together

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
and I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Believing in Bliss

My eyes closed
Enjoying your fingers
Run through my hair
Touch my scalp tenderly
Losing myself slowly

Getting lost
Caught all up in this new find
As your hands run down my back
This moment burned in my mind
Losing yourself slowly

My skin responds
To being touched
As it’s been so long
Since fingertips have brushed...
As I lose myself slowly

Maxwell plays softly
As both our eyes are closed
Intimacy finds us
Fully clothed
As you lose yourself slowly

Never would have imagined
It could feel like this
To simply lay next to someone
In total bliss…

Copyright 2009 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

I wrote this the beginning of February. After a perfect date with a wonderful man. My line-sister/road dog/sister-for-life tells me all the time that "God does not coincidences" and I am starting to believe her.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if you have no idea of what that reason may be. My last post was about Doubt. This one...is about fear. Fear is a powerful motivator. When things go wrong people fear what will happen next. They talk about the other shoe dropping like it is a ticking time bomb.

How about when everything seems right?

Why do we (as humans) forget that somethings things are just supposed to be. Why do we let fear run us away from something because it feels too easy, too nice and just too right? Because we fear we may not be ready for what God has placed in front of us?

Why is it that when we ask for something and get it, we run away from it?

Love Never Fails...

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
But where there are prophecies, they will cease;
where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8


Seems like a beautiful poem until you realize it is a Bible verse, right? I ran across this and it brought back a flood of memories and emotion. The memories of my wedding day. The Reverend/Doctor did a wonderful job of officiating my wedding. He read this passage toward the end of the ceremony and I remember thinking "Wow, wouldn't it be great if our love blossomed into that?"

Foolish I know.

Foolish because it should have been that before we walked down the aisle, but I digress. This is not that kind of post. This is the post to make you think about what you label as love. Why do you think it's love?

Lately my life has forced me to focus on what I consider love to be. What I want out of love and the wonderful possibilities that are coming my way. Some of them a beautiful and most unexpected surprise. I try not to get ahead of myself, as women we tend to jump the gun when we should still be stretching and placing ourselves into the starting blocks.

It feels overwhelming, joyous and a little scary to have my heart open again. I decided to give up doubt for the Lenten season, but oh how hard it is when doubt comes knocking at your door. Is he really interested? Why me? Am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Will he be happy with me when he can have his choice of women? Oh what doubt can do. I fight doubt every day in a 12 round bout with a no TKO rule.

The look across the room, the flirty text messages, the way other people can notice the difference in him and me. That makes doubt slowly disappear at the moment and makes me warm to the possibilities...

The Three Forms of Love: Eros, Philos, Agape

I found this story on the Three Forms of Love while searching for love definitions for a friend. While I walk my journey to a better me, I welcome any and all information that helps me gain clarity.


The Three Forms of Love: Eros, Philos, Agape

In 1986, when I was on the road to Santiago with my guide Petrus, we passed through the city of Logroño while a wedding was taking place. We ordered two glasses of wine, I prepared something to nibble on, and Petrus discovered a table where we could sit down together with the other guests.
The wedding couple cut an immense cake.

“They must love one another,” I thought aloud.

“Of course they love one another,” said a man in a dark suit sitting at our table. "Have you ever seen anyone get married for any another reason?”

But Petrus did not let the question go unanswered:
“What type of love do you mean: Eros, Philos or Agape?”

The man looked at him without understanding a word.

“There are three words in Greek to designate love,” Petrus said. “Today you are seeing the manifestation of Eros, that sentiment between two persons.”

The bride and groom smiled for the cameras and received compliments from the guests.

“The two seem to love one another. In a short time they will be fighting alone for life, establishing themselves in a house and taking part in the same adventure: that’s what makes love grand and dignified. He will pursue his career, she probably knows how to cook and will make an excellent housewife because since she was a little girl she was brought up to do that. She will accompany him, they will have children and they will manage to build something together, they will be happy for ever.”

“Al of a sudden, however, this story could happen the other way around. He is going to feel that he is not free enough to show all the Eros, all the love that he has for other women. She may begin to feel that she has sacrificed a career and a brilliant life to accompany her husband. So, instead of creating together, each of them will feel robbed in their way of loving. Eros, the spirit that joins them, will start to display only his bad side. And what God had meant to be man’s most noble sentiment will begin to be a source of hatred and destruction.”

I looked around me. Eros was present in many couples. But I could sense the presence of Eros the Good and Eros the Evil, just like Petrus had described.

“Notice how odd it is,” continued my guide. “Despite being good or bad, the face of Eros is never the same in all persons.”

The band struck up a waltz. People moved to a small paved area in front of the band-stand to dance. The alcohol began to show its effect and they all became merrier and drenched in sweat. I noticed a girl dressed in blue who must have been waiting for this wedding just for the moment of the waltz to arrive because she wanted to dance with someone she had dreamed of embracing ever since she entered adolescence. Her eyes followed the movements of a young man, well dressed in a light-colored suit, who was sitting with a bunch of friends. They were talking away merrily, they had not noticed that the waltz had started, nor had they noticed that a few yards away a girl in blue was staring at one of them.

I thought of small towns, of marriages with the chosen boy, dreamed of ever since childhood.

The girl in blue noticed me looking at her and moved away. And as if the whole movement had been rehearsed, now it was the boy’s turn to seek her out with his eyes. Discovering that she was close to other girls, he went back to his lively conversation with his friends.

I drew Petrus’s attention to the two of them. He watched them exchanging glances for a while and then returned to his glass of wine.

“They act as if it were something shameful to demonstrate that they love one another,” was his only remark.

Another girl was staring at us, she must have been half our age. Petrus raised his glass, made a toast, the girl laughed in embarrassment and made a gesture pointing towards her parents almost in apology at not coming closer.

“That’s the beautiful side of love,” he said. “Love that challenges, love for two older strangers who have come from afar and tomorrow will already have parted down a road that she too would like to travel. The love that prefers adventure.”

Then he continued, pointing to an elderly couple:
“Look at those two: they haven’t let themselves be affected by hypocrisy, like so many others. They look like they are a couple of farm workers: hunger and need have obliged them to overcome many a difficulty together. They have discovered love through work, which is where Eros shows his most beautiful face, also known as Philos.”

“What’s Philos?”

“Philos is love in the form of friendship. It’s what I feel for you and others. When the flame of Eros no longer able to shine, it’s Philos who keeps couples together.”

“And what about Agape?”

“Agape is total love, the love that devours those that experience it. Whoever knows and experiences Agape sees that nothing else in this world is of any importance, only loving. This was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of man’s history.”

“During the millennia of the history of civilization, many people have been smitten by this Love that Devours. They had so much to give – and the world demanded so little – that they were obliged to seek out the deserts and isolated places because love was so great that it transfigured them. They became the hermit saints that we know today.”

“For me and you who have experienced another form of Agape, this life here may seem hard and terrible. Yet the Love that Devours makes everything lose its importance: these men live only to be consumed by their love.”

He took a pause.
“Agape is the Love that Devours,” he repeated once more, as if this was the phrase that best defined that strange type of love. “Luther King once said that when Christ spoke of loving our enemies he was referring to Agape. Because according to him, it was impossible to like our enemies, those who do us harm and try to make our daily suffering all the worse.”

“But Agape is a lot more than liking. It is a sentiment that invades everything, fills all the cracks and makes any attempt at aggression turn to dust.”
“There are two forms of Agape. One is isolation, life dedicated only to contemplation. The other is precisely the opposite: contact with other human beings, and enthusiasm, the sacred sense of work. Enthusiasm means trance, ecstasy, connecting with God. Enthusiasm is Agape directed at some idea, something.”

“When we love and believe in something from the bottom of our soul, we feel stronger than the world and we are imbued with a serenity that comes from the certainty that nothing can conquer our faith. This strange force makes us always make the right decisions at the right time, and we are surprised at our own capacity when we fulfill our objective.”

“Enthusiasm usually manifests itself in all its power in the early years of our life. We still have a strong tie with the divinity and we give ourselves with such zeal to our toys that dolls take on a life of their own and little tin soldiers manage to march. When Jesus said that the kingdom of Heaven belonged to the children, he was referring to Agape in the form of Enthusiasm. The children reached him without paying any attention to his miracles, his wisdom, the Pharisees and the apostles. They came happily, driven by Enthusiasm.”

“May you never lose your enthusiasm at any moment for the rest of your life: it’s your greatest strength, intent on the final victory. You cannot let it slip through your fingers just because as time passes we have to face some small and necessary defeats.”


What do you think? Correct or close but no cigar? I am sure this will spark some debate...

Ready for Love

I have never known real love. Love that is so real it can't be denied when it is seen. I remember the first time love made it's presence known in my world. It appeared as a notion that I hadn't thought about, it appeared as a friend who I spent countless hours talking on the phone with. We took that feeling of comfort, complacency and familiarity with each other as love.

It was not love.

I find myself looking around wherever I go. Do you see the look in his eyes for her? That undeniable "Baby, you make my world okay" look that just takes your breath away. Oh yes, I thought I had found it when I almost married someone who I thought I couldn't go through life without. I remember thinking how comfortable I was with him. How we could talk about anything, but it wasn't love.

It wasn't unconditional.

I remember when I thought I had finally found it. Love was the label I put on it as he showed me worlds that I had not seen, exposed me to things I had only heard about in movies and television. I was different to him and he was new to me. We thought we had it and we walked down an aisle to profess it to God and the rest of the world.

I can now admit that even as I walked down the aisle I knew it wasn't it.

I knew there was something missing, but I fought like hell to make it into love. It ultimately didn't last and I became doubtful that love exists. The word love is thrown around to describe all types of emotions, but hardly used in the context that it should. I want love, real, unabashed, undeniable, can't take another breath or go through another year without you love. The kind that you know, that you know, that you KNOW and you just click.

I have met wonderful men who had me crushing something wicked, beautiful, sexy men who are a great catch. But there was no love, there was not enough there to make me believe that I could make a life with them. I deserve better and those great men deserve something better than someone who is pretending to love them.

I am ready for the possibilities of love again. It took me a long time to get over my baggage and trust issues and learn to live in the moment. With each misstep and stumble I always said God has one wicked sense of humor.

I just wish some things were not so complicated. Even the music I listen to now reflects love, her words are straight from my soul and my spirit to the world...

WOW! I Am Uber Amazing ?!?

The wonderful and amazing Lovebabz has given me the Uber Amazing Award. Her journey to choose love in a world of chaos is always inspiring to me. She inspires many people and was given a couple of awards that she generously passed along to a very deserving group. I was given this award last week while I celebrated my birthday and Thanksgiving with a wonderful group of family and friends but I do not want Lovebabz to think her award was not appreciated.

Indeed, it is quite the opposite. I love gifts, thoughtful gifts that are out of the ordinary and I received wonderful gifts this past week.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by The Storm to wish me well on my birthday. Your wishes are greatly appreciated and cherished. This past week has made me realize that my life is quite full of love and people with good hearts. In fact, a small group of Fam had so much fun at a local restaurant and Krispy Kreme that people kept stopping by our tables saying they were "Sorry we didn't have a good time," or "You are having such a good time, I do that with my group as well." It was wonderful to see my Fam laugh as much as we did.

We stayed out so late that the spouses and sitters were calling by the time we shut down Krispy Kreme. We had to transfer there after the restaurant closed, the Fresh and Hot sign was on ;) Man, those donuts are addictive and we do not know how to say good-bye to each other once we get together. It is amazing any of us graduated from college ;)

I love each and every one of you!

I realized that my life is headed exactly were it needs to go. Each day is taking me to another level of awareness that I am not sure I would have gained if this road had been easier. Each obstacle is preparing me for the next blessing, and that is pretty Uber Amazing.

I Ain't Had a Crush in Years

I wanna' hold you in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I ain't had a crush in years... - Hey Lover, L.L. Cool J

Well, more like a decade and I find myself in wonderful uncharted territory. I am ready to admit that I have a crush. After years of nursing a broken heart, I am finally ready to have someone in my life. My heart has started to experience emotions that I have not felt in quite some time. Funny how your physical and emotional being can jump right back in nothing happened. Like riding a bike.

We spend so much time nursing the insecurities and feelings of I don't want to be hurt again or let me protect my heart that we forget as human beings we need interaction. We crave it and we thrive on it.

I have fought this crush for a little while now, but am giving in to it. I am surrendering, falling out of my comfort zone to see what happens. Excited about the possibilities, the infinite probabilities of love returning to my life.

It feels wonderful.

I do have moments of fear, of wondering what if. What if this man hurts me? What if this man treats me like the others? What if...

But I pack those thoughts away. I try to squash them as soon as they surface and revel in the fact that he is NOT the ex, he is a different being in a different time. And has come into my life for a reason. Right now, I am enjoying the companionship. And for me, that is the first step.

One GIANT step.

Love is NOT an Emotion...It is a Choice

I was talking with my sister the other day and we had an in-depth conversation on love. The emotion of it, the ins and outs of it, we pretty much tore love apart and put it back together. Why? Just because we can :)

No really, she had a conversation with a friend (lets call her Julie) who could not understand why my sister wanted to spend her extra time with her husband. Granted Julie is also married to a contractor who works in Iraq and only comes home for one month twice a year. Julie complains the she needs a vacation from him while he provides a very nice roof over her head, money to go to school (she does not work) and a new car. I would imagine they would stay in a constant honeymoon state because of the limited time they have together but she has problems spending two months out of the year with him.

Which brings us back to love.

Most people marry for love. They are in undeniable, no-holes-bared love when they walk down the aisle and profess this love to God, family and friends, right? So what happens after the vows?

People do not realize love is a choice. You can chose to love someone just like you can chose to stop loving someone. If love is not a choice, than you could never move on from a broken heart and you could never love another person after that first love broke your heart. Let's break this down...

People often confuse that butterfly in the gut, want to jump their bones feeling with love. That is not love, many people describe it as lust or infatuation. I call it the Cloud Nine Stage (more on that later). I think it was best explained by Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City as the Zsa Zsa Zsu. Some unexpainable feeling (or chemical reaction if you read this previous post) that makes you want to be around that person every chance you get.

But, after we get used to the Zsa Zsa Zsu (and we always do) we began to see the other person's flaws, those habits that tick us off. And then we chose rather we want to continue with them. We chose to love them (or not) through it all.

The choice of love is what makes you want to continue to work at the relationship, but the Zsa Zsa Zsu often keeps there. Chosing love makes you nourish a relationship when it is dying, make time for that person in a busy world, ask yourself if your partner would be ticked off if I did X, Y or Z. Love is a careful, honest and sometimes brutal choice.

I love plenty of people I would never be in a relationship with, but the Zsa Zsa Zsu is what I want to have with my life companion.

I know some of you have thoughts on this one. What do you think? Is love a choice?

*Photo is Cherishing.The.Moment by Fred. Matthews*

Craving Chemistry

Growing up not many of us (myself included) were excited about Chemistry class. The formulas that you had to balance and the equations that needed to be solved. You could hear the groans from the hallway.

Slowly, the dislike toward chemistry changed after graduation.

People spoke about the same word with different meaning. It still referred to two things (or people) and how they reacted with each other. But as we got older, people started to look forward to chemistry. They wanted to feel the reaction between themselves and another person. Each day they looked forward to the chemical reactions in their brain that made their stomachs do flip-flops when they saw that special someone. That unexplainable feeling when the person takes your hand for the first time or that never-will-have-again first kiss.

The emotion of knowing someone else so well, that you can tell in an instant when they are having a bad day from the sound of their voice. That special feeling that only that certain someone can give you when they put their arms around you and take away the pain from that difficult day. Yes, I am talking about that kind of chemistry.

Chemistry can not be faked or forced. What it can be is electric, so much so that people around you can pick up on it.

Not long ago I saw a lady out with her husband and son watching another couple at the coffee shop. I wondered to myself why she was watching this couple who seemed to be simply enjoying each other's company. After the woman in the couple found the lady watching her, they simply smiled at each other and it hit me. The couple's chemistry was magnetic as they stole sly smiles at each other and laughed easily.

Ahhh yes, chemistry is a b*tch! But give me that kind of chemistry any day!!!!

Real Love

I have fallen in love.

I finally know straight-forward, no holes barred, no pretense, unconditional love. This person finds comfort with me, looks me in my eyes and shows genuine joy. Their smile makes me smile and they share warmth and contentment with me in a world of pain and misery. Finds happiness and contentment in my arms that can last hours.

Let me tell you there is nothing like real love.

I didn't realize how much I was starved for love until I received it again. To find it after not having for so long is like overdosing on chocolate after being on a year-long diet. This person can smile at me and make me forget all of the pain, sorrow and weariness that has seeped deep into my soul. I am just sorry it took me so long to meet you.

I know by now you must be curious of the identity of my love. The identity of my inspiration that has me thinking there is some good left in this world. That has my thinking things do turn out "right in the end". Here is the object of my affection:



I call her Ellie and she is my new niece. (Who did you think it was?) She is a couple of months now and I recently had my first visit with her. We bonded over a few days (her parents called it spoiling) and I can not wait to see her again before she grows and changes. She is my new inspiration to be the best person I can be...

A role model for her.

Love…Liberating or Limiting?

This was the timely topic of interest for Valentine's Day on a natural hair board I frequent. I had tossed around a few subjects for my next post and settled on this one since it has been weighing on me a lot lately.

Love and relationships should never be just flat out hard. Love is a choice that is made and given freely without expectations. You can love someone and not spend your life with them as a spouse or significant other. You can also love someone and not have them love you in return. I know plenty of people who say that their relationship is hard and trying all the time. I can’t help but ask why? I had a teacher in high school whose favorite quote was “Love should make you happy 90% of the time.” When complaining to a friend about my own relationship, this quote came back to me in a light bulb moment.

Maybe we do force ourselves to be in relationships that are not healthy. Often we get caught up in looks, the feeling of loneliness and the “I’m ready to be married/have a family because I’m _____ years old” mentality.

Love should come easily and should not be limiting. I was in a relationship that mirrored who I was and I did not like what I saw. Anger, emotional abuse, jealousy, trust issues and neediness that surpassed all traits of love. Imagine tensing up every time your spouse walks in the door? Crazy, right? Ironically, I receive the best kind of love from my friends. We have many conversations on the fact that you may pick your friends with greater sincerity than you pick your partner/spouse. Let me explain.

One of my friends is a man who I have known for almost 20 years. We made the decision to remain “just friends” about 4 years into our friendship. I love my friend tremendously and he has become a family member to me. We do not have to talk everyday or even once a month, but we always seem to find each other when one of us needs emotional support. We have no expectations on the other person; we are free to be the person we are rather it be weak, strong, hurtful or prideful. I was asked if we became friends because we wanted to have the other person in our lives for a lifetime and I had to think about it.

We have been friends through failed relationships, marriages, separations, deaths, births and career changes. I am sure we will continue to be friends for a long to come, so the answer would be yes. Yes, I picked him as a friend so I would have him in my life forever.

If friendships can be so liberating why can’t relationships? Do we really make a bigger investment in choosing our friends than we do our mates?

Used, Abused and Rescued

This is my Shiba Inu doing what he does best, relaxing. He is happy, spoiled in fact. He has his own room (his crate which hardly ever has the door closed), he has a toy box overflowing with toys that I constantly replenish (more on that later) and he goes for long walks and hikes with me regularly. I even participate with a Shiba Inu group of owners who get together to let their dogs play. When I look at him I sometimes think of everything he encountered before he came to live with me.

He is a rescue, meaning he went to a home as a young puppy. His original owner decided he would not fit into the life they envisioned and returned him to his breeder. He stayed with his breeder for four months until he came to live with me. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting him, he is a beautiful dog. Even though he can be a handful at times, he makes it bearable to enter an empty home after a long day of work.

This is my Guinea Pig who is also a rescue (in his upside down house he's chewed on ;-). He was supposed to be a pet for a friend’s daughter, but somehow ended up with me as well. He is my first guinea pig and is a learning experience. Like my Shiba, he first went to a home and after fathering a litter was returned to the pet store unwanted. He is also spoiled and has trained me to give him carrots when he bites at his cage and squeals (which brings my Shiba like he called his name).

I look around my house and realize that all of the living creatures that dwell there have been rescued. We are an interesting group, often misunderstood and returned because we were not what the original owners expected. How was I returned? I have separated from the person I thought I would spend my life with. Now, I understand that some people think that I have been returned and deem me used or unworthy.

Often people say that divorce or separation means that you are forever the spouse of the person you originally married. I am not sure I agree for a variety of reasons. Mainly because many of us enter into relationships knowing that we should not be there. We see the warning signs before we walk down the aisle but in an effort to save face and get what we desire, we make that walk anyway and spend countless years wondering why it just does not work out.

A friend of a friend once said “When it is wrong there is nothing you can do to make it right.” That is the only thing she says that I totally agree with. So now that I have been returned, I wonder how long it will take me to entertain the possibility of sharing my life again.

Right now I am happy with building my friendships and strengthening the other relationships I have neglected while trying to make my failing marriage work. But, God heals all and forgives all, right?

Falling in Love (with Dance)

I am falling in love with dance. My performance group is having a joint show with a master chorale and dancing to traditional choral music is totally different and much harder for me than the modern, african and the calypso type of dance we do for our show. I am starting to enjoy the vastly different chorale music because it makes you dance different and feel the music differently. And of course I have a major lift that takes a couple of guys to pull it off comfortably. (Yes I have been dropped, but not by this group of guys :)

Ballet is quickly becoming my favorite. Learning ballet technique makes it so much easier to dance other dances. It teaches balance, technique and lines. I realized I was falling in love with ballet on Saturday. With the drastic weather changes, I had been at home sick for the past three days and had a bit of cabin fever by Saturday. So, I bundled up and went to dance practice to watch. We had a guest ballet instructor who is wonderful and I sat there disappointed and a little upset that I had missed a chance to practice with her. At that point I knew I was in love.

Traditionally, I am too old to become a dancer but it will not stop me from learning to dance. Dance to me is a creative outlet that came into my life at a perfect time. I wanted to take ballet as a child, but being the only child of a single mother means making sacrifices that other children never had to understand. But learning to dance now, later in life, makes me appreciate it so much more.

Missing You

Seven years ago today I received a voice mail that my Grandmother was dead. I was barely in my twenties and felt cheated that she left so early in my life. Getting that message by voice mail made the news even harder to digest.

My grandmother was like my mother and my mother is more like a sister. I’m not taking anything away from my mother, she was a mere teenager when she gave birth to me and we have grown up together over the years. “Granny” as I called her, was the woman who taught me to cook, put me on the bus in the morning, had dinner waiting when I got home in the afternoons and she made cakes with me during the holidays. You get the idea.

Every year around this time I drown in a sadness of missing my grandmother while everyone speaks of visiting their grandparents for the summer. I get mad at the world for the unfair hand I feel I was dealt and would give anything to “have one more conversation” when life seems to get the best of me.

After seven years I can finally make a cake alone without chocking myself with tears, and wrap up in the hand-made quilts she made me without crying myself to sleep.

Why the sad entry? To get someone to realize you must enjoy what you have while you still have it. If I had known I only had twenty-two short years I would have visited more, called more, just been around her more. The truly sad part is that I am the only grandchild that knew her well. I find myself using her quotes without thinking about it and referring to the talks we had to get my point across.

I’ll miss her until we meet again. Until then I hope to make her proud.