Monday, February 9, 2009

Ready for Love

I have never known real love. Love that is so real it can't be denied when it is seen. I remember the first time love made it's presence known in my world. It appeared as a notion that I hadn't thought about, it appeared as a friend who I spent countless hours talking on the phone with. We took that feeling of comfort, complacency and familiarity with each other as love.

It was not love.

I find myself looking around wherever I go. Do you see the look in his eyes for her? That undeniable "Baby, you make my world okay" look that just takes your breath away. Oh yes, I thought I had found it when I almost married someone who I thought I couldn't go through life without. I remember thinking how comfortable I was with him. How we could talk about anything, but it wasn't love.

It wasn't unconditional.

I remember when I thought I had finally found it. Love was the label I put on it as he showed me worlds that I had not seen, exposed me to things I had only heard about in movies and television. I was different to him and he was new to me. We thought we had it and we walked down an aisle to profess it to God and the rest of the world.

I can now admit that even as I walked down the aisle I knew it wasn't it.

I knew there was something missing, but I fought like hell to make it into love. It ultimately didn't last and I became doubtful that love exists. The word love is thrown around to describe all types of emotions, but hardly used in the context that it should. I want love, real, unabashed, undeniable, can't take another breath or go through another year without you love. The kind that you know, that you know, that you KNOW and you just click.

I have met wonderful men who had me crushing something wicked, beautiful, sexy men who are a great catch. But there was no love, there was not enough there to make me believe that I could make a life with them. I deserve better and those great men deserve something better than someone who is pretending to love them.

I am ready for the possibilities of love again. It took me a long time to get over my baggage and trust issues and learn to live in the moment. With each misstep and stumble I always said God has one wicked sense of humor.

I just wish some things were not so complicated. Even the music I listen to now reflects love, her words are straight from my soul and my spirit to the world...

6 comments:

  1. Wow, I can totally relate. Couldn't have described it better. It's great when we learn the lesson and use it to not only avoid another mistake, but enter the next situation with the insight it takes to have things work in our favor. Excellent post.

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  2. I married a man I did not love.
    I never even told him I loved him. . .even when he told me and he still tells me even though we have divorced that he loves me.

    I never will do that again. I will not marry unless it is because of love. I will not stay in a marriage unless it is for love.

    I want to fall in love and it feel so good I can sing about it/write about it to the world.

    I am patiently waiting. . .

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  3. You have me wanting to read my Iyanla Vanzant books! Another insightful post.

    Love must be nurtured, cultivated, nourished - which is why you are listening to "love" music, posting these love posts. Your readiness is ever-present. And love is drawn to you. It will manifest in many ways.

    And I'm sure you will be open to appreciate them all.

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  4. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

    What I am now coming to realize that those moments of un-love really were love. The beginnings of what is to come. None of those relatiosnhips lasted...they weren't supposed to. They did what they were designed to do...get you here and get you thinking about a deeper connection. Love is all around us. What you and I want is enduring, stick-around love ;)

    Happy Valetine's Day!

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  5. CurlyGurl,
    I am looking forward to moving on with the new insight. I'm sure there are exiciting times ahead.

    Sharon,
    That marriage things is a tricky monster, isn't it? I'm sure love will find you, make sure you are open to it when it knocks without warning :)

    MsKnowitall,
    Break out the Iyanla books? LOL!
    Love is slowly finding it's way back into my life and I am enjoying every moment of it.

    Lovebabz,
    Yes! Every one of those relationships taught me a little more about myself. What I wanted, what I didn't want and what I truly need. This is a journey and I need to enjoy the steps along the way while trying to reach the destination.

    Happy Valentine's Day!!!

    Real Talk,
    India outdid herself with this one. I'm sure it will be played for years to come.

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