That's Just the Way It Is

"That's just the way it is"
These last few weeks have been rough. My father is fine. Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes via blogger, twitter and FB. He returned to work and returned to being the father that I have known for most of my life. The one who is M.I.A. The one who does not return phone calls or text messages.

Deep down I wanted our relationship to be different. At this point in my life I am not sure I could have looked at him as a 'Father' but I needed him to be a friend, to be in my life or at least act like he gives a damn! It is more than astonishing to me how any person can go from confessing how much they care for you, hold endless conversations with you for days then go back to their life without you...without a second thought.

By day three when my messages went unanswered I became worried and afraid. Surely if something was wrong someone would have called me, right? I contacted my oldest sister and she assured me he was fine and that is when I became angry. I was hurt and was heartbroken for days. I did not want to talk about it with anyone but I realized that once again I had allowed this man to crush me.

I gathered myself up, realized he is who he is and put those feelings away. They now live back on the shelf where they took up residence before he got sick.

"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is"

Work is just...work. I am here, I have a job, it pays the bills. I am looking for my passion. That thing that will make me get up in the morning and allow me to look forward to my day. Often I wonder if it exists or if it is wishful thinking.

My events company is holding its biggest event this weekend. I am nervous and excited about it. Three days and nights of non-stop dancing and I am going to soak up every bit of it! Of course there will be photos and maybe a little video. I am not sure yet.

Well, that is about it for now. Well...there is someone in my life. He has been around for a while but I have kept him 'close to the chest' so to speak. He is a good guy with a good heart and that means so much to me right now. Because this last line is the part I'm having issues with.

"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them"

Yeah, I dug into the vault for this one. I was wondering through the mall last week (I loathe shopping) and found myself singing along. How many of you remember this one? I love Phil Collins but his rendition can't touch this version.

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Phone Call that Changed Everything

I'm sure this will be pretty random but here goes...

One phone call changed my life. For the better I guess, but it was an ordeal. My sister called me the middle of last week and said my father had been rushed to the hospital and all she could understand from his wife was "he is not responding to the antibiotics."

Not responding? Antibiotics?

My relationship with my father is strained at best. He has not been in my life on a regular basis since I was a pre-teen and even before then he was always working and I rarely saw him.

Later that night I found out he was in surgical ICU and was unresponsive.

ICU? Surgical ICU? Unresponsive?

Considering my car is 12 years old and it was holiday weekend, I was stuck in another state some five hours away as I waited by the phone for updates. Plane tickets were over $1,000 and try finding a rental car the day before a holiday weekend. Yeah, good luck with that.

To really add stress my cousins were riding down to Florida for the weekend on Friday but told me there was not room in their car. Yeah...I took THAT with a grain of salt. Such is life.

My sister (who is one year younger) kept me updated because my father's wife did not have the decency to call his first-born to give me any updates throughout this entire ordeal. I have no words for her right now and will probably have no words for some quite some time.

Long story short they found the source of his infection and he regained consciousness around day three. Yes, I sat by the phone for THREE DAYS waiting. His fever spiked around 104 but it also came down after day three. He was released from the hospital after a five day stay and made it home for the Holiday.

The good from this situation?

My father and I are talking again.

I spoke to him everyday while he was in the hospital. I think we talked more this past weekend than we have in life. Now that things are getting back to normal for him, maybe that new found relationship will stay that way? Near death experiences have a way of changing people.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

What I Want for You

I have a huge family. My mother has a lot of brothers and sisters and each of them had quite a few children so I was raised around a lot of family until I moved to my current location with my mother a pre-teen. My cousins also live in the metro area. When they started to have children I was the perfect age to babysit for them. The first two babies are in their 20s now. I had a wonderful sense of pride when they graduated but this weekend another one walked across the stage into adulthood. He is truly special to me.

I kept him for his mother a lot more than the others. He has seen way too much for a kid his age. His parents have taken him through way too much as a child. Through all of that he has kept this child-like goofiness that always makes me smile when he is around. Do not get me wrong, he is a smart young man. His neck should have been sore the next day from all the ropes and stashes that adorned him on his day. But the thing I absolute adore about him is his ability to stay true to himself.

As he embarks on his life journey to become a doctor who helps to bring life into the world I pray over his spirit. I pray that he keeps his sense of goofiness. I pray that God keeps him and holds his heart. I pray that he always has a happy spirit even when life gets the best of him. As I watched him walk across the stage and be goofy with his friends at the graduation party, I looked at the man dancing the wobble with his friends but I saw the baby who played with my alarm clock so many years ago. That clock never worked again but my memories continue to grow.

So proud of you Cuz...I can only hope one day that if I am blessed with a son he holds half the sense of self you have.

Retreat, Reflect and Recharge

I did it again.

I ran away.

I was overloaded and about to explode. Furloughs, pay freezes, layoffs, miscalculated escrows, leaky faucets...all of it had me on the edge. Sink or swim and I was up to my eyeballs. One of the few perks of my job is the time off. Everyone was looking forward to spring break and I was no exception.

It started with a great Easter. An old-fashioned Easter egg hunt with money and candy stuffed eggs. One of my younger cousins found the golden $20 egg and the silver $10 egg. He was a hunting machine! Of course only money can get a teenager to do this for plastic eggs:

Notice he missed the obvious one on the trunk of the car, LOL!

I had a full week. Hanging with a few new friends at a pizza lounge for a few slices and drinks, dancing (of course) at a Salsa social and a few social events. I attended Salsa class, tried to dance up a storm at my mid-week venue but was disappointed at the number of people who go to a Latin night for the first time and treat it like an R&B club!

(Etiquette Tip: Do NOT stand in the middle of the dance floor during Latin night. You will get hit and/or stepped on and no it's not their fault. It's a DANCE floor!)

Needless to say I only got in a few dances but was happy to see a few dance partners I had not seen in months.

I was kidnapped by Frat at a social event and had to eat and drink my ransom before I was allowed to leave ;-) Love my Blue & White! They would surround me and make sure my glass was full and food was in front of me. My job was to sit there and be cute. Ummm...OK:




Laughed and ate with them for hours until I was asked to join a friend at another lounge. All of that before I hopped a plane to see my family in Florida. My niece's word of the day was "no" but she stole my heart anyway (yet again).



In a total act of randomness I can cross off another item on my 50 Things To Do list. I had dinner with all of my siblings, my brother-in-law and my niece at my father's dinner table. There is not enough words to explain why this was a major event. It was totally impromptu and went extremely well. Top that with great conversation and laughs and it was the perfect getaway. My sister and I picked up little sis earlier that day and had a sister's lunch only to find out baby brother felt left out. Who knew a 13-year-old would want to hang with his sisters?



He's adorable. Such a teenage boy but I think it had to do more with the food and getting out of working with Dad. Told him next time we would get him as well and he seemed happy with it.

I had a great visit and I am already missing them terribly. My father asked would I move back and I immediately told him no. My time there has passed. If I had the money I would quickly buy a condo there on the beach. Although I do not go often, my home town has the ability to allow me to retreat, reflect and recharge.




Always...




Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

This year has been a whirlwind. As I look out into the cold rain that has engulfed my window I humbly ask for the ability to keep it together. To have the strength to help my mother through her trying times as well as the eloquence to communicate in a way that will be thought provoking yet mild enough to penetrate her thick shell.

I ask for continued blessings for my sister and her family. My niece is growing by leaps and bounds and I ask for her continued happiness, joy and growth to become a wonderful young lady. Understanding for my baby brother and sister that they know I think of them often even if we are apart. The courage for them (or myself) to pick up a phone to hear each others voices while we have the ability to do so.

Peace of mind for my cousins as they battle their own demons and find their place in this world. I ask for the ability to find my footing and keep my roots as things continue to push against me. Flexibility as I stretch and hopefully not break under the pressures of everyday life.

There are many things I can ask for...the winning lottery numbers for the $140 million, new car, new job. But at the end of the day none of that really matters.

I humbly ask for the things that matter...to me.

Peace & Blessings...

Reflect, Regroup and Recharge

I recently ran away. I hadn't ran away in quite some time but I was in desperate need of a change in my scenery, change in the way I think and the way I go about my day. Things were bubbling up and I was about to blow so I took my cousin up on her offer to ride down to Florida to see the family.

I had not seen some of my family in years. My niece was a tiny baby the last time I saw her so I threw my stuff into an overnight bag, drove the furbaby to the kennel and off we went.

I did not realize how worn out I was until we got there and uncorked a good bottle of wine and started to laugh with my cousins, my aunties and my mother. Our impromptu Salsa class was hilarious. Nothing like my auntie and mother trying to salsa when they have been puffing on cancer sticks all day! I wore them out without breathing hard ;-)

My brother-in-law always treats me to home cooked meals and this time I was delighted to accompany them to my niece's first trip to the beach. I am so in love with this little girl. She was not pleased with the sand that was hard to walk in or the crashing of the waves but she loved the sights and sounds. This was my first time in over a decade visiting the beach that was such a big part of my childhood. We went to the soft side where the waves were small and I stuck my feet in the water and let the tide wash my troubles away.

I am not sure how long I stood there watching the waves bury my feet in the sand and laughing at my niece who was having no parts of the cool water but I enjoyed every minute. My spirit was soothed with each crashing wave. It was a wonderful day, overcast with a cool wind.

I even saw my younger siblings who are now taller than I am. A shame it has been four years since we last set eyes on each other. When my little (and I use the term relatively) brother called me ma'am my heart sank. Ma'am, really? I almost threw my shoe at him :-) But I now have my little (again, used relatively) sister's email so hopefully we can keep in touch better.

As we drove back home Sunday afternoon my spirit was lighter and I realized I had just been fed a big helping of what I was missing for a long time. All is right with the world...

Peace & Blessings...

Drinking From My Saucer

So far 2009 has proven to be a bang up year. I am thankful and have realized that I have so much more than I ever thought possible. The opportunities that are coming my way make me want to pinch myself to make sure this is not a dream. It kind of reminds me of this poem:

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I don't have a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So God, help me not to gripe about
the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage,
when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
~ John Paul Moore ~


I realized that I am drinking from my saucer with rich friendships and family that love me in spite of. This past weekend I spent time with The Fam for Founder's Day and realized how many great memories we share and how many we create every time we hang out.

This time we closed down a TGI Fridays and were totally sober as we had a funky good time. I saw a movie with a friend who is quickly carving a place in a niche I didn't know was void. To top it all off, I had great conversations with my Mother, Sister and a Cousin while I finished up a few projects around the house.

As I drag myself back to work this week I realize that life is not measured in dollars and job titles. I appreciate that light bulb moment as I continue to drink from my saucer.

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

After much consideration, this is what I desire for Christmas. I have learned that your heart must be open to receive love. This year, can you please bring me love, kindness and reciprocal consideration? You see, I have learn that I give too much, love too hard and get hurt much too easy. Is it possible that you could also bring me tougher skin? It would help the next time an unexpected blow comes my way.

Can you watch over my new niece Ellie as she embarks on a life with fearless eyes and a heart that does not know disappointment or hurt. Please keep her naive to life as long as possible. Help to keep her dreams alive and bring her determination and drive that she will need along the way.

Drop peace and love at my sister's door. You are never too old to receive peace and love and you can never have too much of it. Deliver self-love and self-assurance to my mother.

Bring understanding to my youngest siblings. I know they are much to young to understand the dynamics of our family, but one day they will need all the understanding that you can bring for the truth they will hear.

If you could bring these things to my family on Christmas I would greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

KayC, The Quiet Storm


*Enjoy the Holidays! I will keep myself busy with visiting friends and projects around the house. You may find a new post here as the mood hits, but if not have a safe season and a joyous New Year!!

Peace...Be Still

After a very emotional week, I received this simple title to an email and it made me sit back and take note of my life in its current state.

Last week two of my friends and sorority sisters (one of them my line sister) were dealt the blow of the death of their mothers and one of my uncles was admitted to the hospital. The death of a mother is something I believe no one can comfort you through. You grieve in your own time, and in your own way. Friends and family members can only listen and try to be there for you.

My uncle had to practically be threatened to go to the hospital were he found out his blood sugar level was 400. (BTW, your blood sugar level should only be 70-80)I have 5 uncles on my mother's side and each of them are special to me in their own way. This uncle however, is special because our personalities are very similar.

We are both loners to a certain point. At family gatherings it is not unusual to find us both in my aunt's den watching a game on the big screen while the rest of the family is chatting away (rather loudly) in other rooms. Although we do mix and mingle (and join in the noise level at times) we take our mingling in short doses ;-) In short, we understand each other.

His hospitalization shook me.

It made me look at my life and were I am in relative to were I want to be. I am starting over in almost every sense of the word. And to be honest, most of it frightens me. Even though I have "more options than I can shake a stick at" it still makes me wonder if I am staying on the path GOD has placed for me. Or, if I am so wrapped up in what I want that I am trying to create my own path?

Either way, I am fighting to keep that joy and peace of mind that I found earlier this year. No one can say it much better than this:

'Cause if I thought you were the end all
and my be all
I would've never left you alone
and I wouldn't be on my own
and I never, never would've grown

no, no, no ain't no way
you gone take away
My joy, and my peace, and my strength


Sing it Ms. Leela James.
Enjoy! (I know I did)

Foreign Concept of Father's Day

I realized how few people I have to call on Father's Day. On Mother's Day I had an entire list that would have taken me all day if it had not been for text messages and email. I had exactly three people to call and none of them was my biological father.

My father was anticipating his 20th birthday when I was born. He had no idea of what being a father was because he was barely a man himself. He did not have the opportunity to find comfort in his own skin before he was tasked to help me find comfort in mine.

I appreciate the posts about fathers who told their daughters they were beautiful and helped them feel loved. Fathers that showed up on time and have great memories with their daughters.

Not my father.

He never told me I was beautiful or even pretty. My father was absent from my high school graduation and absent from my college graduation. He was nowhere to be found when my heart was broken for the first time or when I was picked on by my classmates when my mother and I moved to a new state. He was absent when I found my first love, absent from the track meets, basketball games and when I crossed the burning sands of time.

He has no clue of the woman I have become.

But as much anger as I had for him, I do not have it anymore. I feel sorry for him. He is now trying to regain the time he lost with me by giving it to his wife, son and daughter. I listen to him on our rare phone conversations talk about my youngest sister refusing to be a daddy's girl anymore and how he coaches little league football with my younger brother.

I listen to him talk about his house and the things I never had growing up because he "never had to worry about me" as I was always an "old soul".

I feel bad that nothing in me wants to celebrate father's day with him. I have only four pictures of the two of us growing up and I remember not wanting to take two of them. As time goes on I pray that I learn more about forgiveness. I pray that I learn how to tell when people are simply incapable of showing love.

I have forgiven my father...maybe one day he can forgive himself.

Hibernating During the Holidays

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. The Christmas songs on the radio, decorating the tree, wrapping presents and cooking tons of food. It took me a while to get into the spirit this year, but I think it has finally hit me. This time of year brings great memories of my Grandmother. We would spend days baking cakes and pies in her old kitchen over my winter break.

The stove was so old, you had to light a piece of paper and stick it to the eye once you turned on the gas. It was extremely dangerous, but I don't remember my Grandmother financing anything. What I do remember is the amount of time we spent together just the two of us, talking, sharing stories and cooking up a small storm.

Maybe that is why I grew up loving the Christmas season. I will spend the next week and a half hibernating and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas. To the handful of you who actually read this blog....

Enjoy your holidays!

Another Year, Another Decade and Still So Much To Learn

I am now 30 years old. I thought when I turned 30 life would be a lot different than it is now. Oh the best laid plans of mice and men!

I think I will enjoy my 30s. For my birthday I went to my favorite Caribbean restaurant and the Chef whipped up a delightful seven course meal that not only exercised my taste buds and sense of smell, but my eyes as well. I also enjoyed the concert of an artist who sounds a lot better on his CD, so I guess I'll spare you his name. He was so over the top with his show, that I practically laughed my way through it. I hope his keyboard has recovered from being molested by now. Oh yeah, hello again to my Sorors (Natalie and Tiffany) who happened to be sitting behind me. It really is a small world, if only we could figure out if the singer in the end of the show was really throwing the sign ;)

The only downfall of my entire two week vacation was trying to visit my father. Even though it was the first time I had returned to my hometown in over two years, he did not find it necessary to invite me over for his 50th birthday. For some reason he is so busy comparing me to my younger sisters that he has missed the woman I have become.

As the man who gave me life, he can only see the negative. Others around me see the positive and try to help me see it when people like him send me a TKO of zingers that hit like body blows. I guess he is incapable of showing love any other way.

Anyway...Happy Birthday Pop!

What's in a Name?

I found out that my new niece or nephew is officially a girl. I can not wait to meet her sometime in February. The next hurdle is to pick out a name.

Names can tell you a lot about a person's family since we have no control over the name that is given to us. I've often toyed with the fact that a name can tell you a lot about a person, but that goes into the ageless chicken and egg theory. Does a name tell you a lot about the person or does the person tell you a lot about the name?

It's Official

I will finally get a chance to be "Cool Auntie K" and I can hardly contain myself. Come February, my sister (we will call her "the lovely Ms. A") will officially make me an Aunt. We have known for a couple of weeks, but she went to her first doctor's appointment at the end of July. She found out she is only about 10 weeks along, and I got my first picture of my new niece or nephew.

Which also means I have my first picture to share with the world.



I have vowed to spoil him or her and rack up some frequent flyer miles traveling to Florida to visit. Since the death of my Grandmother I have not traveled back home to Florida very often (about 3 times in 7 years). But now, with my sister and my-brother-in-law (I call him Double D) purchasing their first house and the new baby, I have a reason to go whenever the notion hits me. And I can also get to know my younger brother and sister a little better.

Missing You

Seven years ago today I received a voice mail that my Grandmother was dead. I was barely in my twenties and felt cheated that she left so early in my life. Getting that message by voice mail made the news even harder to digest.

My grandmother was like my mother and my mother is more like a sister. I’m not taking anything away from my mother, she was a mere teenager when she gave birth to me and we have grown up together over the years. “Granny” as I called her, was the woman who taught me to cook, put me on the bus in the morning, had dinner waiting when I got home in the afternoons and she made cakes with me during the holidays. You get the idea.

Every year around this time I drown in a sadness of missing my grandmother while everyone speaks of visiting their grandparents for the summer. I get mad at the world for the unfair hand I feel I was dealt and would give anything to “have one more conversation” when life seems to get the best of me.

After seven years I can finally make a cake alone without chocking myself with tears, and wrap up in the hand-made quilts she made me without crying myself to sleep.

Why the sad entry? To get someone to realize you must enjoy what you have while you still have it. If I had known I only had twenty-two short years I would have visited more, called more, just been around her more. The truly sad part is that I am the only grandchild that knew her well. I find myself using her quotes without thinking about it and referring to the talks we had to get my point across.

I’ll miss her until we meet again. Until then I hope to make her proud.

Moving On...

On May 26, 2007 my first baby graduated from high school. Actually, I do not have children, but my cousin's son marched the stage to move on to another phase of his life. Why do I consider him my first baby?

He was my guinea pig baby, with him I learned how to change a diaper, feed and burp him, rock him to sleep, dress him, took him for walks in his stroller...he was my first baby. His mother was twelve when I was born and I was her first baby. I was twelve when he was born. Ironic isn't it?

Seeing him walk across that stage was emotional for me and it made me long for a real son of my own. His mother and I are cousins (our mothers are sisters) and people say we have a strong resemblance.

I'll enjoy this image until I have a son of my own.