Happy Holidays (My Christmas Playlist)

The holiday season is upon us once again. I love the holidays. I absolutely adore this time of year. There is something about it that makes people a little nicer, a little more hectic but people seem to melt just a little from the normal routine and day to day lifestyle.

My family is a sucker for the holidays. We always try to get together and just enjoy each other's company. The food flows, the drinks and adult beverages flow and so do the laughs, stories and memories. I am wishing all of you a very happy holidays. As we try to relax, travel to see family or simply stay home be safe, happy and have a great holiday season!

I'll leave you with a compilation of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some are classics, some are new (in the grand scheme of things) and some are down right silly but they all make me feel great. They make me remember that the one thing I will cherish is my memories with my loved ones.

Letter to My Younger Self

November is my birth month and each year I take the time to reflect on my life and the past 12 months before I add another year onto my age. A friend asked if I read this book and said she was buying it. My cheapness immediately made me google it and see if it is my local library. I plan to read it during my annual birthday retreat, the time I take off work around my birthday and Thanksgiving to spend with friends and reflect before the hustle and bustle of Christmas.

I do not travel much for Thanksgiving and no matter how much my mother lays on the guilt trip I stick to my reasonings and stay my butt at home. I know my budget and I know what I can/can not do and my family will be here at Christmas. I will see everyone then.

But...

This letter to my younger self thing...it had me thinking. What would I tell my younger self? So with that in mind, I write:

Dear Younger Self,

You are a beautiful woman with a warm spirit. It is okay to be yourself at any cost. You will be tested and at times you will feel as if life is beating you up but you know what? You will survive. Do not allow other people to tell you who you are and what you can and can not do.

Your mother is trying her best but sometimes she will not get it right. She will make mistakes and it is okay for you to have your opinion. Learn from her mistakes. She will repeat them but you do not have to. Oh, and that goes for your father as well.

Oh honey, it is okay to walk away from that relationship even if you think you will be embarrassed. Always trust your gut, it very rarely steers you in the wrong direction. That relationship with him will not get better. He will show you who he is and your only job is to listen. Better yet, when you have that "I don't know" feeling about dating him, follow it. Actually, follow that instinct every time you feel it and you will be just fine.

Enjoy your Granny. Enjoy each day, holiday and talk you have with her. She will be taken away much too soon and you will miss that time with her almost every day. It gets easier but you will miss her. Oh, and write down that biscuit recipe and place it in a safe place because your mother loses it and no one else has it.

Take the leap of faith. There are plenty of FANTASTIC career paths out there that you have no idea about. Look into them, research them, ask around. You are so much more than anyone gives you credit for.

Not everyone will reciprocate the love you give but do not force yourself to ration it. If they can not return it then simply move on. That goes for all types of relationships. You can not fix anyone so do not waste time trying to do so. Also, you can not love someone past their pain. What you can do is love someone after they have dealt with their pain. THAT is the truth. Point. Blank. Period!

When the time comes, embrace your sexuality. Find your comfort level and do not allow anyone to take that from you or alter it in any way. You will find a balance and it does not include dressing provocatively. You are one of the few women who are not "girly" and still exude great sensuality. Trust me, men will see it and it will separate the men from the boys!

Life is so precious and short. Live each day and find something that makes you smile each day. You will grow into a fantastic woman.

Sincerely,

Your Older Self

Time and Chance Meetings

I wrote in February about my trip to San Francisco and the more downs than ups experienced by my performance group. What I did not mention in that post was the meeting of a legend in the Salsa dance community.

I dragged into the hotel lobby with my performance group Director after our more than four hour flight delay and paying triple the cost of a cab ride because transit was closed. There were no smiles on our faces and everyone could tell we were exhausted. A smile found the way to my Director's face when this thin-framed man walked up to her and spoke softly in Spanish while hugging her with a bear hug of an old friend.

He turned to me and asked my name. She introduced me and he immediately took my hand, looked me in the eyes, said what a pleasure it was to meet me and kissed my hand. (All in Spanish, of course). I returned the kind greeting in English and he asked my friend/Director if I spoke Spanish. She assured him I could understand him and he continued our conversation in Spanish as I returned his answers in English. He said he would talk to us over the weekend as we dragged ourselves to our room.

I had many interactions with him over the weekend. Every time he saw me he kissed my hand and told me what a delight it was to see me (All in Spanish, to this day I never heard him speak English). As I mentioned in my previous post I was sick most of the weekend so I missed his class on Rumba but got a lesson in the roots of Salsa and how most instructors are not teaching it properly in the U.S. over breakfast that Saturday morning.

I am always told I have an old soul and my spirit connects with people. I wondered why he was drawn to me in my group of 6 ladies, many of which he had met years before. I can only say that old spirits connected like they had known each other for years. Maybe they have known each other way beyond anything we can comprehend in this lifetime.

I received the news through the Salsa connection that he recently died. I had no idea he was sick when I met him in San Francisco. I had no idea that chance meeting with him would be my one and only interaction with a man who touched the dance world way beyond the Rumba/Afro-Cuban/Salsa teacher I knew. My description of him in this tiny post in my small blog does not come close to touching the tip of what a gift he was the dance community.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Our spirits met again in this world and I am looking forward to being lucky enough to meet him again in the next. The dance world has suffered a great loss but I smile every time I think of him kissing my hand and saying what a pleasure it was to meet me.

It was a great pleasure to meet you as well, Pupy. Rest in Peace my friend.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning The Lesson...Do You Remember?

I was listening to the radio one morning as they awarded a single mother with a gift certificate to do some back to school shopping for her son. Her finances were tight and her son got into a fight at school when someone recognized his shirt from the second hand store. The radio personalities tried to make light of the situation but it struck a nerve with me because it made me remember.

I remember growing up in a large metro area after my mother moved me from a small city where I attended a private Christian school with a strict dress code. I remember moving into the 'hood and thinking how much I just wanted to go 'back home' with my family and friends. I remember being made fun of because school started 3 weeks prior to my arrival and the 'cliques' and 'friend circles' had already been established. Today it is considered 'bullying.'

I remember going into Junior High and being bused across town to help with the racial disparities and my shock when my friends spoke of back to school shopping. I was lucky to get a new backpack, and went without one for a few years. I remember my wardrobe and the few items it consisted of and my cousins who had recently moved into the area cleaning out their closets and giving me clothing.

I remember the feeling of my first job and the freedom of a paycheck. I remember getting a car at a buy here, pay here lot and paying my car payment, insurance and a few bills around the house. I remember working full time my junior and senior year of high school and getting a second 'part-time job' during the summer to save up for school. All of this before the age of 17.

I remembered all of this as I contemplate the little I have against what I perceive others to have. I remember thinking how I catapulted into the so-called middle class when my mother's generation was working class poor with little education.

I need to remember my upper middle-class and lower upper-class associates come from college educated parents and grandparents while my family grew up poor with holes in the ceiling, the roof and one kerosene heater to heat the house. I need to remember that my mother owned her first home in her 40s while I purchased mine in my 30s. I need to remember that this piece of paper hanging on my wall in a fabulous frame with four signatures and a seal means so much more than I think it does, even if I will pay on student loans until I'm 50.

Although many times I forget, and it takes my cousins to help me remember, I do remember. The humble beginnings and hopefully the fruitful endings.

I remember...do you remember?

Throwing in the video for an encore presentation as I continue to tackle my trees. Remember not to become so involved in running your race that you forget the purpose, what you have already accomplished and how far you have traveled. Today, I remember.




I still LOVE this video. It will never get old to me.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Humans, Our OWN Worst Enemy

The place that holds many of my childhood memories now looks like this:



I agree with the Governor of Florida, it breaks my heart to see the photos of my beloved Pensacola Beach covered in oil. This CNN article has photos of a murky brown beach that was once coveted for its white sand.

My heart remembers what it looked like and the wildlife that was always there to greet you when you stepped foot out of your car. I remember the days when my entire extended family would pack up everyone and spend the day on the white sand, playing in the waves, making burgers on the grill, the sea gulls crying for bread and the coolers (one for the adults and one for the children). I remember not even a year ago when I accompanied my sister and her hubby as we took my niece to the beach for the first time.

Sadly my sister and I stood in almost the exact same spot that a few of these photos were taken:



In my mind it will forever look like this:



Humans...so often we are our OWN worst enemy. *sigh*




Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Meditating in Mexico

I found her.

I went on my very first cruise and I found myself again. I had lost her in the drama of the world and somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico I found this woman who was exhausted from wandering. She whispered in my ear and took her rightful place in my life. Like she had lived there all along and had never disappeared.

My cousin and I took our first trip 'sister girl' trip together. It was a cruise to Mexico. We went with a group of about 20-30 people and had a great time.

Before the ship left the dock

I can scratch taking a cruise off my 50 things to do list. As well as drinking tequila and Salsa dancing in Mexico. I had to convince this Cuban guy named Leo that I was not Cuban or of any Hispanic decent. He seemed convinced I was Hispanic because of the way I Salsa. I have to tell my instructor he complimented him on his teaching methods :)

Every morning I would wake up early, put on my swimsuit, hat and sunglasses and find a quiet spot on the deck to enjoy the breeze and watch the waves. There are no words to explain the feeling of being there in the moment. My phone turned on airplane mode, slow music playing softly in my ears and the serenity that came with it. No sense of time and no sense of urgency to be anywhere by a deadline.

I looked like this every day - only the swimsuit changed



My morning view looked like this



This was considered the cloudy day

I meditated, thought out some feelings/conflicts and just enjoyed myself, enjoyed the company of nice people and great drinks. Sitting alone or with a group I always met someone. Some very nice ladies from Toledo, a Jean-Claude Van Dame look-alike from Tampa, a group from Detroit and countless others.

By the time we set sail to return from our destination we knew our crew members by name and began to learn more about them. It was great to be on a smaller boat because you really get the chance to enjoy the company of new friends. You began to see the same faces and they remember you as well.

The sunset and nights with a full moon on the water were absolutely breathtaking. I would spend every evening with a group of photographers trying to capture what we were seeing on digital film. Every photo was great but did not come close to seeing it in person. Thank God my camera also does video. It took exactly 1 minute and 30 seconds for the sun to dip into the water.



The only down side is I did not get my passport stamped but this view and the sampling of tequila more than made up for it.

The ships docked in Mexico

I have learned enough Spanish to communcate in port, one lady started speaking to me in French and became really confused when I responded to that as well :)

The travel bug has bitten both my cousin and I and we are already looking for great deals and our next 'sister girl' destination.

Watch out world...here we come!


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Retreat, Reflect and Recharge

I did it again.

I ran away.

I was overloaded and about to explode. Furloughs, pay freezes, layoffs, miscalculated escrows, leaky faucets...all of it had me on the edge. Sink or swim and I was up to my eyeballs. One of the few perks of my job is the time off. Everyone was looking forward to spring break and I was no exception.

It started with a great Easter. An old-fashioned Easter egg hunt with money and candy stuffed eggs. One of my younger cousins found the golden $20 egg and the silver $10 egg. He was a hunting machine! Of course only money can get a teenager to do this for plastic eggs:

Notice he missed the obvious one on the trunk of the car, LOL!

I had a full week. Hanging with a few new friends at a pizza lounge for a few slices and drinks, dancing (of course) at a Salsa social and a few social events. I attended Salsa class, tried to dance up a storm at my mid-week venue but was disappointed at the number of people who go to a Latin night for the first time and treat it like an R&B club!

(Etiquette Tip: Do NOT stand in the middle of the dance floor during Latin night. You will get hit and/or stepped on and no it's not their fault. It's a DANCE floor!)

Needless to say I only got in a few dances but was happy to see a few dance partners I had not seen in months.

I was kidnapped by Frat at a social event and had to eat and drink my ransom before I was allowed to leave ;-) Love my Blue & White! They would surround me and make sure my glass was full and food was in front of me. My job was to sit there and be cute. Ummm...OK:




Laughed and ate with them for hours until I was asked to join a friend at another lounge. All of that before I hopped a plane to see my family in Florida. My niece's word of the day was "no" but she stole my heart anyway (yet again).



In a total act of randomness I can cross off another item on my 50 Things To Do list. I had dinner with all of my siblings, my brother-in-law and my niece at my father's dinner table. There is not enough words to explain why this was a major event. It was totally impromptu and went extremely well. Top that with great conversation and laughs and it was the perfect getaway. My sister and I picked up little sis earlier that day and had a sister's lunch only to find out baby brother felt left out. Who knew a 13-year-old would want to hang with his sisters?



He's adorable. Such a teenage boy but I think it had to do more with the food and getting out of working with Dad. Told him next time we would get him as well and he seemed happy with it.

I had a great visit and I am already missing them terribly. My father asked would I move back and I immediately told him no. My time there has passed. If I had the money I would quickly buy a condo there on the beach. Although I do not go often, my home town has the ability to allow me to retreat, reflect and recharge.




Always...




Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Beyond Words

Words to describe you
escape my mind
fear, hope, frustration, fascination
all these things so easy to find

I am so grateful for you
beautiful beyond words
I simply can not describe you

gorgeous silhouette in the darkness
gives me a knew appreciate of men
running my fingers through your hair
I enjoyed each and every moment

The intimacy reached far beyond sex
learned so much about each other
anticipating what comes next...

Copyright 2010 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

There are no coincidences, there is a reason why our paths have crossed. Fear still holds me from jumping. I want to live in a way that allows me to enjoy life but fear still holds me bolted to the floor. It tells me that I do not want to hurt him. He has been through so much already and sadly thinks real love is not for him.

Ironically I have always thought of a woman being the trophy wife or eye candy. Until meeting him I never thought how a man would feel after being treated as eye candy or the boy toy. When we first met I was struck by his looks but after getting to know him he is...such a pleasant surprise. Every time we connect he brings a smile to my face and I am terrified.

I enjoy each interaction with him. He is an amazing person, a wonderful man and simply...beyond words.

(edited to add - I am not sure where this is going or how it will end. It may become just a wonderful friendship but either way my outlook on relationships has been changed for the better)


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Believing in Bliss

My eyes closed
Enjoying your fingers
Run through my hair
Touch my scalp tenderly
Losing myself slowly

Getting lost
Caught all up in this new find
As your hands run down my back
This moment burned in my mind
Losing yourself slowly

My skin responds
To being touched
As it’s been so long
Since fingertips have brushed...
As I lose myself slowly

Maxwell plays softly
As both our eyes are closed
Intimacy finds us
Fully clothed
As you lose yourself slowly

Never would have imagined
It could feel like this
To simply lay next to someone
In total bliss…

Copyright 2009 - KayC, The Quiet Storm

I wrote this the beginning of February. After a perfect date with a wonderful man. My line-sister/road dog/sister-for-life tells me all the time that "God does not coincidences" and I am starting to believe her.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if you have no idea of what that reason may be. My last post was about Doubt. This one...is about fear. Fear is a powerful motivator. When things go wrong people fear what will happen next. They talk about the other shoe dropping like it is a ticking time bomb.

How about when everything seems right?

Why do we (as humans) forget that somethings things are just supposed to be. Why do we let fear run us away from something because it feels too easy, too nice and just too right? Because we fear we may not be ready for what God has placed in front of us?

Why is it that when we ask for something and get it, we run away from it?

Did you say "Heavy D?"

Yep, I said Heavy D. The Overweight Lover has lost a few pounds and is back in the house :) He has new music and a new flava that I am kind of diggin'. The new album is called Vibes and was released independently late last year. You can get it (and preview the tracks) from Amazon and iTunes.

The new stuff is different, reggae instead of rap/hip-hop but it works for me. It is marketed as Heavy D going back to his Jamaican roots. Reggae, Rap or Hip-Hop I am not going to lie, there is very little music Heavy D put out that I did not like.



Here is the first single Long Distance Girlfriend. What do you think?

Thank You (The Poem to the Ex)

Thank you for...
Cheating on me, it made me stronger

Thank you for...
Breaking me down emotionally, it made my skin tougher

Thank you for...
Verbally abusing me, it made me realize I can make myself happy

Thank you for...
Treating me poorly, now I can appreciate being treated well

Thank you for...
The hate you showed me, I learned I can not love a person past their pain

Thank you for...
The wounds you inflicted, the scars make for good stories

Thank you for...
Isolating me from my family and friends, it forced me to work on myself

Thank you for...
The money struggles, I now appreciate my good finances

Thank you for...
Making me feel inferior, I revel in my nearly drama-free existence

Thank you for...
Forcing me through all of it, because now…

I am a whole person and I am healed.



© 2008 KayC, The Quiet Storm

Foreign Concept of Father's Day

I realized how few people I have to call on Father's Day. On Mother's Day I had an entire list that would have taken me all day if it had not been for text messages and email. I had exactly three people to call and none of them was my biological father.

My father was anticipating his 20th birthday when I was born. He had no idea of what being a father was because he was barely a man himself. He did not have the opportunity to find comfort in his own skin before he was tasked to help me find comfort in mine.

I appreciate the posts about fathers who told their daughters they were beautiful and helped them feel loved. Fathers that showed up on time and have great memories with their daughters.

Not my father.

He never told me I was beautiful or even pretty. My father was absent from my high school graduation and absent from my college graduation. He was nowhere to be found when my heart was broken for the first time or when I was picked on by my classmates when my mother and I moved to a new state. He was absent when I found my first love, absent from the track meets, basketball games and when I crossed the burning sands of time.

He has no clue of the woman I have become.

But as much anger as I had for him, I do not have it anymore. I feel sorry for him. He is now trying to regain the time he lost with me by giving it to his wife, son and daughter. I listen to him on our rare phone conversations talk about my youngest sister refusing to be a daddy's girl anymore and how he coaches little league football with my younger brother.

I listen to him talk about his house and the things I never had growing up because he "never had to worry about me" as I was always an "old soul".

I feel bad that nothing in me wants to celebrate father's day with him. I have only four pictures of the two of us growing up and I remember not wanting to take two of them. As time goes on I pray that I learn more about forgiveness. I pray that I learn how to tell when people are simply incapable of showing love.

I have forgiven my father...maybe one day he can forgive himself.

Real Love

I have fallen in love.

I finally know straight-forward, no holes barred, no pretense, unconditional love. This person finds comfort with me, looks me in my eyes and shows genuine joy. Their smile makes me smile and they share warmth and contentment with me in a world of pain and misery. Finds happiness and contentment in my arms that can last hours.

Let me tell you there is nothing like real love.

I didn't realize how much I was starved for love until I received it again. To find it after not having for so long is like overdosing on chocolate after being on a year-long diet. This person can smile at me and make me forget all of the pain, sorrow and weariness that has seeped deep into my soul. I am just sorry it took me so long to meet you.

I know by now you must be curious of the identity of my love. The identity of my inspiration that has me thinking there is some good left in this world. That has my thinking things do turn out "right in the end". Here is the object of my affection:



I call her Ellie and she is my new niece. (Who did you think it was?) She is a couple of months now and I recently had my first visit with her. We bonded over a few days (her parents called it spoiling) and I can not wait to see her again before she grows and changes. She is my new inspiration to be the best person I can be...

A role model for her.

I Love My Blue and White

I volunteered to help with a Community Service project that has me dusting off my stepping shoes. "When Zeta calls..." (my sorors know the rest).

I was going through some old step show tapes and my DP (Solitaire) showed me this from Youtube. There will always be a special love for Georgia State University. My first blue and white home was with the "Lovely" Lambda Nu and "Phonky" Pi Alpha Chapters. I hope they don't mind this posting. It's all about Blue Love.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching this video of Pi Alpha and I know you will as well.

Missing You

Seven years ago today I received a voice mail that my Grandmother was dead. I was barely in my twenties and felt cheated that she left so early in my life. Getting that message by voice mail made the news even harder to digest.

My grandmother was like my mother and my mother is more like a sister. I’m not taking anything away from my mother, she was a mere teenager when she gave birth to me and we have grown up together over the years. “Granny” as I called her, was the woman who taught me to cook, put me on the bus in the morning, had dinner waiting when I got home in the afternoons and she made cakes with me during the holidays. You get the idea.

Every year around this time I drown in a sadness of missing my grandmother while everyone speaks of visiting their grandparents for the summer. I get mad at the world for the unfair hand I feel I was dealt and would give anything to “have one more conversation” when life seems to get the best of me.

After seven years I can finally make a cake alone without chocking myself with tears, and wrap up in the hand-made quilts she made me without crying myself to sleep.

Why the sad entry? To get someone to realize you must enjoy what you have while you still have it. If I had known I only had twenty-two short years I would have visited more, called more, just been around her more. The truly sad part is that I am the only grandchild that knew her well. I find myself using her quotes without thinking about it and referring to the talks we had to get my point across.

I’ll miss her until we meet again. Until then I hope to make her proud.

Moving On...

On May 26, 2007 my first baby graduated from high school. Actually, I do not have children, but my cousin's son marched the stage to move on to another phase of his life. Why do I consider him my first baby?

He was my guinea pig baby, with him I learned how to change a diaper, feed and burp him, rock him to sleep, dress him, took him for walks in his stroller...he was my first baby. His mother was twelve when I was born and I was her first baby. I was twelve when he was born. Ironic isn't it?

Seeing him walk across that stage was emotional for me and it made me long for a real son of my own. His mother and I are cousins (our mothers are sisters) and people say we have a strong resemblance.

I'll enjoy this image until I have a son of my own.