Storm Breaker...Hump Day

I LOVE this commercial. It makes me laugh every time I see it. The advertisers should get an award for this one.







Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings from  

Storm Breaker...How to Beat a Speeding Ticket

With all the crazy weather we sure need a Storm Breaker. This is an oldie but it sure is funny!


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!



Have a wonderful day!



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...


      

Storm Breaker...Getting an F

It has a been a long time since I posted a Storm Breaker. Think we all may need a good laugh. No?


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,’ the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'



Ha! Gotta love the kids. Have a fantastic day!!



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...Being a Court Reporter

One of my Saleros sent me this on a day when I just needed a laugh. Extremely worthy of passing along. Enjoy!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Aww man, I was cracking up. Love my Salsa family :)


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...The Real Fat Man

Last year my silly cousin text me a crazy Christmas text and this year I think she topped herself (although I did not think it was possible)! This Storm Breaker will surely make you laugh or at least shake your head with a smile on your face.


A Real Fat Man

If a real fat man snatches you up and throws you in a bag do not be afraid. It's just Santa collecting his hos. I'm texting you from the bag now!!!!


I burst out laughing at that silly lady. Like I said my cousin is stoopid! Merry Christmas and enjoy your holidays ;-)

Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker... Special Church Announcement

This Storm Breaker comes from one of my favorite Salseros. I read it via text message and burst out laughing. I normally do not post Storm Breakers so close together but since this one is rather *clears throat* time sensitive, I thought I better post it now. It made me laugh every time I thought about it.


Church Announcements

Special Church Announcement - Effective IMMEDIATELY the choir will no longer be allowed to sing HE TOUCHED ME on Sunday morning - Sincerely, Bishop Long


I've been quiet on this whole scandal BUT - come on! You KNOW that was funny as all hell!!!! I was KILLING myself ;-) WHEW!!!! (still wiping tears of laughter and trying to catch my breath)


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...Giving Up Wine

Another Storm Breaker from one of my silly friends ...Enjoy!!!


Giving up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...The Breakfast Song

I know I have been neglecting The Storm. I have been licking wounds, toughening up, closing business deals and working on a great business venture that has me looking forward to 2011 and the years beyond. I am still learning that even though life is not predictable, it teaches, molds and shapes you into a better person. It places you exactly where you need to be at the precise moment you need to be there. I found this in my 'draft' box and thought if it was funny to me then, it should be funny to you now.

Today I introduce The Breakfast Song to The Quiet Storm. A friend played this for me and after my initial shock of 'this has to be joke' I laughed until I cried. I know this is a really old clip and long (almost 5 minutes) but it made me laugh so I am passing it along so you can as well...Enjoy!!!





Grapes of Nuts? And Beef Stew? For BREAKFAST?!?!? No wonder Americans are overweight! He was jammin' though...her? Not so much!



Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...The Lawyer VS The Blonde

First I would like to say WELCOME to the new followers! Hope you settle in, stay awhile and comment until your heart is content. Now, back to business...This Storm Breaker was brought to yours truly by none other than my supervisor. Yep, that was a first...Enjoy!

The Lawyer VS The Blonde

A lawyer boarded a plane in New Orleans bound for Los Angeles with a small box of frozen crabs. Upon entering the plane he gives the box to the blonde flight attendant and says, "These crabs are frozen. When we get to LA they better remain frozen or I will have your job!"

The flight attendant takes the box and replies nicely, "I will place them in the compartment next to the pilot. They will be fine, Sir."

After an uneventful flight, landing at the LA airport and taxing to the gate the flight attendant announces over the intercom, "Will the man who gave me crabs in New Orleans please report to the front of the cabin so I can return them. Thank you and welcome to Los Angeles!"


Guess the blonde won that battle! Have a great weekend ;-)


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning the Lesson...You Know What He Did

It is amazing the small details the mind remembers at different moments. The customer service seminar I mentioned here had a variety of really funny but meaningful quotes and videos. For the life of me I can not remember how the presenter led into this video or why/how it had relevance to our seminar.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because on a dreary workday afternoon when the world has beaten me up and I feel battered and bruised I remember my friend MoA. Whenever I check on him he always says things will work out because he is blessed and it makes me want to let it all go. Today as I try to let it all go I search for something funny. That search led me back to my memories on the customer service seminar and an amusing clip that made me laugh from memory and I am happy that I found it to share with the blog family.

This right here...is funny. REALLY funny :)

(Didn't know if this should be a 'Learning a Lesson' or a 'Storm Breaker.' So let's call it both - ENJOY!)






He is absolutely adorable. I can only imagine how he makes his parents stay on their toes. Almost makes me want to try to have one...ALMOST! ;)

Moral of the Story - It is never as bad as you think it is. Five hundred people can view the exact same situation five hundred different ways.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...Six Kids

Thought I would keep the mood light before tackling more issues. My sister sent this to me and I thought it was hilarious...Enjoy!!!


Six Kids

A guy boards a plane followed by six kids.

The flight attendant says "Awwww, are these your kids?"

The man responds "No. I work for Trojan, these are customer complaints!"



Awwwwww, come on. These are just jokes! :-)

Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...How the Fight Started

I needed to lighten the mood here at The Storm and once again my silly friends have provided a good laugh delivered via my inbox. Love my girls! Enjoy...


If you ever wonder how 'the fight' started in your relationship...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'


And that's how the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked,'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


---------------------------------------------------------------------


I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....


---------------------------------------------------------------------


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


And THAT is how the fight started, LOL! Have a wonderful week blog fam.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...A Healthy Level of Insanity

A little more from the professional learning seminar - this was included in the handouts. I first read it years ago. It made me LOL then and it still makes me LOL now. A sign that something is truly funny. Hope it makes you LOL as well!

*Sidenote - KayC does not recommend doing any of these if you like your job and want to keep it! LOL*


How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom, don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds.”

7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. (KayC’s personal favorite)

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom. (KayC’s next personal favorite. Just imagining the Superintendent saying this is grab-your-side funny)

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I Won, I Won. That’s the third time this week!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”

19. Tell your children over dinner “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….forward this to someone and make them smile!


Once again KayC does NOT condone any of the above mentioned activities but they sure are funny!


Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...You Better Come Get Santa

I have my silly cousin to thank for this one. She sent it to me via text message and I literally burst out laughing and sent it to a few friends. Life has been way too serious lately so I hope this Storm Breaker makes you LOL as well!


You Better Come Get Santa!

You better come get Santa before I F@ck him up. He is outside my door screaming "Ho, Ho, Ho" and I keep telling him you're not here!!!


Imagine receiving that in your text message inbox. My cousin is stupid! Merry Christmas Everyone ;-)

Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...How I Learned to Mind My Own Business

Man, I should have started doing Storm Breakers a long time ago. My job is serving up umlimited amounts of stress and my birthday is not coming fast enough! Life is exhausting right now. A perfect day for a Storm Breaker and this was forwarded to me via email on a day I really needed it. My friends are straight fools...I truly love them!



How I Learned to Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of the patients were outside shouting "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks,so I looked through to see what was going on. Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14...14...14..."



Like I said...my friends are straight fools ;-)


Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...Cussing at Work

One of my boys (yes, women have boys as well) sent me this and it made me laugh out loud during a hard day. Hope this Storm Breaker makes you laugh as well...something to help you through the Monday work day.


Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources


LOL - If only Human Resources was/could be as innovative and forward thinking as this!

Peace & Blessings...

Storm Breaker...Little Boy on the Bus

Since life gives us enough to stress/worry about I am putting a little more laughter into The Storm. When the feeling hits or when I get a great forward I will post a Storm Breaker. Enjoy the first installment...


Little Boy On A Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man who was a priest said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."


Peace & Blessings...