Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tagged...Siete (Seven)

My blog sister Monique has tagged me again, LOL! This one is a meme of 7 things.

(In my best Fresh Prince voice - for those of you who can remember this infamous song)
Drums please:

1. I hate desk jobs. They bore me to tears. One day I will have a career that allows me to have flexible hours and do something that I truly enjoy. I like what I do now, would like it better if I could do it for myself and be paid what I'm worth. Side note: I'm working on it, I have a few things in the pot simmering.

2. My baby brother is younger than some of the children of the men I have dated. I think about that when I think of getting serious with any of them. That would make for interesting family gatherings. My sister being the same age of your daughter or my brother being younger than your son. *SMH* When did family dynamics get so complicated?

3. I dream of having a backyard garden/living space. Complete with stone pavers and a small pergola with a hammock for lazy days. My dream garden would have amazing roses and a hydrangea bush that bloomed rich blue blossoms. I have my first backyard (ever, in life) and I dream of what it would be like if I had about $3,000. One day...

4. I was a late bloomer. My confidence was non-existent until college and it was only average then. Amazing what pledging and being thrown into the world wearing three Greek letters will do for you.

5. I have never traveled outside of the USA and have never owned a passport. This will change next month. I will apply for a passport and travel somewhere to use it by the end of this year. Period!

6. I have only taken one vacation in my entire Hawaii. I enjoyed every minute of walking, eating and getting the darkest I have ever been. It took weeks before my skin recovered.

7. Until very recently I have only dated African-American men. Not that I do not find other races attractive, they have never approached me like that. Last year changed that, Moa is Puerto Rican - not that we are dating but it definitely would not be a bad thing (and dancing Salsa will likely broaden it). Gotta love those hardwoods :-)

There you have it, a meme of siete things about KayC. As always, you can play along if you feel so inclined. Things are good on my end and I hope things are great on yours!

Peace & Blessings...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Blog Tag...Happiness 101

First, let me take care of business and say a sincere thank you to Charles at the Illuminate Darkness Experiment for the new blog banner. He is extremely talented. Stop by his spot and check him out.

Now back to the business of blogging...

While reading a blog on my blog roll I stumbled across this post by Monique. She tagged everyone who read it so I am just following the rules. Here goes...

The Rules:
Rule 1. List ten things that make me happy
Rule 2. Tag 10 bloggers that brighten my day
Rule 3. And link back to the person who gave me the award

My List...
1. Dancing Salsa. It brings an instant smile to my face like nothing else
2. Seeing Moa do his thing on stage, I enjoy seeing people in their element
3. Hearing my niece laugh through the phone while I talk to my sister
4. Having Sunday dinner with the cousins
5. Knowing I can walk into my house and shut out the world
6. That feeling I get when I step on stage for the first time during a performance
7. Knowing I have great friends who allow me to be me
8. Understanding that I am growing into a woman that I genuinely like
9. Accepting that I may not be perfect but I am still a pretty cool chica
10. Finally accepting my gifts and developing every piece of talent God gave me

*I try not to do chain letters. If you are reading this consider yourself tagged. Especially my fellow male bloggers, I would love to see Happiness 101 from a male perspective*

Peace & Blessings...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Excited, Honored and Somewhat Speechless

It is no secret that I absolutely love to dance. I started taking ballet, lyrical and jazz lessons a few years ago which led me to a wonderful Salsa group. Salsa has been my addiction for about 2 years now and I have submerged myself into the "Salsa Scene" enjoying every spin, dip and cross body lead.

Recently I have been asked to join one of the Salsa performance groups. Imagine my delight when I received my official invite to come out to a practice and see how I like it. I was honored to be asked to be a part of the invitation only group, especially since I have only been dancing in venues (outside of class) for about 7 months or so. All of the scolding from my teacher saying "you need to learn to follow" and "relax" paid off :)

The start of 2010 was difficult for me but this news more than makes up for it. I am like a kid waiting for Christmas as practice starts in February. My other performance group (like the sound of that) is gearing up with a few great choreographers that will take us to the next level. I am elated to take classes with a former Principal dancer from Ailey and Dance Theater of Harlem! This year will be filled with great music, great dancing and tons of fun.

In honor of my newest accomplishment, I have included some of my favorite Latin music. Enjoy!

I love Los Van Van. They have been granted special permission to briefly leave Cuba and perform in Miami. I wish I could go!

Heard this salsa song at a recent feliz campleanos party.
Instantly loved it.

A little Bachatta by Aventura. Looking forward to the day when my SO is a dancer. Bachatta is a great Dominican dance but I can imagine how hot it is with someone you are dating.

Peace & Blessings...

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Love List...Inspiration

*Warm. Thoughts by Alonzo. Adams*

Recent events have me revisiting my love list. Making changes, modifications and checking if the men who are crossing my path come close to what I think I want and what I need in my life. My recent disappointments have shifted my thoughts and I am appreciating someone in my life that has been mentioned in this blog before.

I seem to give off this 'artsy' vibe that attracts musicians, bar/lounge owners, bartenders, photographers and singers. Seriously, I can be in a group of people and will be the only one to receive the flyer for open mic night. But I digress...

There is someone in my life that is showing me that open communication is possible. That you can be your serious, silly, goofy and most crass self and it will be accepted. He is showing me that you do not have to be in someone's life everyday but you can still cross their mind and they can often cross yours. He has made me realize that life is funny, it gives you what you need right at the moment you seem to ask for what you want.

He is intelligent, witty, artsy (of course) and keeps me on my toes with conversation. I am not sure where it can go or even if it has a future outside of friendship but with everything going on my life right now, it is refreshing. Yes, he is also gorgeous and wonderful eye candy ;-)

There is baggage on both our parts and our social circles are entwined which makes it amazing that it took us so long to meet. He has visited this blog (another first for me) and I am not sure how often he reads it but I wanted him to know that he is appreciated. I appreciate him for his honesty and transparency. For the shameless flirtation that floats my boat on any given day and the confidence to send the crass texts even if they are followed by an apology.

For MoA (Not his real name of course) - thank you for being you.

He has inspired these additions to The Love List:

KayC's Love List:

66. Open and honest with communication
67. Can admit past discretions with maturity
68. Knows himself and has learned/grown from his past mistakes
69. Has an understanding (and maybe a love) for the arts
70. Understands my love of the arts/performing

KayC's Love List # 1-20
KayC's Love List # 21-30
KayC's Love List # 31-40
KayC's Love List # 41-50
KayC's Love List # 50-55
KayC's Love List # 56-65

Peace & Blessings...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Learning to Let Go

My feelings are hurt.

It was my choice.

Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.

Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.

The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.

The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.

Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.

There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.

I was wrong...

I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.

Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.

Peace & Blessings...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Does Your Past Dictate Your Future?

Remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
But today is a gift.
That's why it's called The Present!
-Author Unknown

Last year was great, I met wonderful people, opened my heart to love and became one hell of a dancer, performer and Salsera. My holiday season was filled with an abundance of food, family, friends and love. As we enter another year and another decade I find myself looking back on my history. This year I will continue to answer the hard questions for myself about myself. Looking and dissecting both the good and bad choices. I am contemplating my failures and successes. Thinking about the difference a single choice can make in my outcome and I honestly feel overwhelmed at times.

There are a few people in my life who have difficult histories (money problems, shared parental concerns and self-esteem issues) that seem to shape who they are to other people. So much so that some of them keep those issues hidden until they feel a person has chosen to get to know them. Others have tried to share things with their Significant Others only to hear 'it doesn't matter' but ironically I can't help but think that it does.

Many people say that person's past can and will dictate what they will do in the future. For me I tend to attract people who are going through life situations exactly like mine. I attract men who have the 'White Knight Syndrome' even though I am far from a damsel in distress. Those men often have past lives that would deter a lot of people from pursuing a relationship with them. Multiple mothers of children, financial difficulties, strict time commitments, etc. Ironically they are wonderful fathers.

I find myself questioning when does the past become simply the past? Is there a time limit when you stop looking side-eyed at someone because they were slinging sex to everyone in high school or college when you are now well into your 30s, 40s or beyond? Do you hold that against them indefinitely? Why or why not?

When does your past dictate your future and when does it become just your past? When do you stop making decisions based on what other people will think of your choice for that new man or woman in your life? When do we stop dwelling in the past and truly look toward the future?

Peace & Blessings...