Friday, November 7, 2008

Facing Fear

Thanks to my fellow blogger and "sisterfriend" Lovebabz for this post. It was exactly what has taken my thoughts lately. For some strange reason my ex-husband wants to make sure I am aware of his rekindled friendships with the ex-girlfriends he cheated on me with.

I thought I was over my emotional baggage. Seeing his emails made me angry, and then they reminded me of the many reasons he now has "ex" in front of husband. I worked hard, scratch that, I worked DAMN hard to get through the emotional wreckage my so-called marriage left for me. I stayed in a 8 year marriage out of fear.

Yes, I can admit it. It was fear.

Fear kept me in a relationship with a man who was incapable of being emotional faithful to me. Fear had me wondering about what everyone else would think. Fear had me thinking no one else would love me. Fear had me begging this man to pick me. Now I can't imagine begging my own husband to pick me...after five years of marriage!

And now I guess he finds joy in sending me forwards with his ex-girlfriends' email addresses on them. Don't you just love technology?

I am not afraid anymore.

Now I know what kind of man he really is. He never deserved my love, and he never deserved the devotion that I gave him. Why is he sending me emails anyway? We are not friends and we do not have any children. I will not give him the satisfaction of blocking his emails. I will not give in to anger and fear.

I know my worth. I know that I am someone who deserves better. I am a woman who deserves to be given the same type of love that I offer. I will no longer be under the spell of someone who takes satisfaction in emotionally abusing me. I no longer share your name and I will no longer share your misery.

I am moving on. In fact, that is the poem from my last performance in March. I love how art imitates life. And the funny part is I didn't pick this poem, it was given to me and I rocked the HELL out of it:

Moving On

I am moving on
reaching toward my hopes and dreams
It has taken me far too long
to reach this place, it seems

My fears may try to hold me back
To try and block my way
But with courage and faith in my heart
I will get there come what may

The road will be a long one,
And it may be rocky, too
But when I reach this place in time,
My dreams could all shine through

I am coming nearer to my goals
And my excitement grows
The plans I have made will soon be real
Along with the destiny I chose

Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms
I will surely see a brighter dawn
I'm no longer held back by my fears
I'm finally....Moving On

by Alan Murray


  1. OOOhhh we are SO CONNECTED!


    Now girl you need to block his email. It is not about him and what he thinks. It is about you and how you want to live. Block his emails. You are not running. You are saying you can't be bothered with that mess.

    If fish is stinking in your fridge, you don't allow it to linger because you think the fish' feeling will be hurt if you throw it out...NO, you throw out the fish because you don't want your house to stink!

    Block his emails. Let go.

  2. Girl block those emails. you are a strong woman and are doing fine. Don't continue to allow that foolishness to get in the way.

  3. Fear is a mutha! And this post shows you have your guns ready to blow the mess out of fear.

    You said it in 4 words:
    "I know my worth"

    You could write post #2 off of that right there.

    You put that fear to bed, gurl. Keep on your armor.

  4. Hello there!

    This is a lesson learned.

    We ALL have to reach a point where we face ourselves.

    You SHOULD block his email. Either block his email or send them to the trash. It's not about HIS's about YOU finally taking a stand.

    For you.

    I want to tell every sista reading these words:
    People treat you how you LET THEM! If they take actions to demean, disrespect or taunt you, it's because YOU taught them you would allow it.

    I hope we will ALL choose to stand up and set limits for how we will and will NOT allow a man to treat us.

    Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

  5. love this post

    fear can sometimes take the life out of you. sounds like you're on the right path!

  6. Lovebabz,
    I understand exactly were you are coming from. Say the date and I will have the bottle (or bottles) waiting :)

    Thank you for the kind words. Putting one foot in front of the other is not always as easy as it sounds.

    Yes, post #2 is on the way :) Thank you for the inspiration.
    Hello and welcome! I agree that you allow people to treat you a certian way and I acknowledge my part, but am glad that it is behind me. Thank you and come back again soon.

    I sure hope so! lol!