Monday, June 15, 2009

How I'm Feeling...Just Forget the World?


I recently found out my chances for having children are very slim. There is no wild sexual history (quite the opposite) and I have never had an STD. I did everything "right" so to speak. I was one of those mythical creatures that earned her white dress when she walked down the aisle.

Now I find myself mad, angry, frustrated that my body may have portrayed me. That my insides are growing things they should not be growing. Mutating in ways that may be unsafe. I just want a clean bill of health...all of a sudden having children is not important. My mother's desire of having her only child give her a pass into grandmother hood is a mute point.

I just want to forget the world. I retreat when I need time to think, to deal with the things being thrown my way. This is one of my favorite shows and right now one of my favorite songs.

Just for a short time, I want to forget the world...

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Peace & Blessings...


  1. Absolutley not.

    Yes I know everyone is in love with the idea of birthing children. It is so romantic and so divine. But if your goal is to be a mother...I mean really be a mother. Then you have options.

    I knew from my pre-teens that the possibility of birthing children would never be an option for me.(child abuse shattered my uterus) So I went along with the notion of never wanting kids...never wanting what I knew I couldn't have. Then along came My husband (now ex) and medical technology both presenting a chance. Medical technology failed me...but my husband did not. He suggested adoption and as soon as we made that decision, the heavens opened and 4 angels came to us. I am a mother in every sense of the word.

    I sit up with sick children, I read stories, I sing songs, I tell jokes, I kiss boo-boos, I punish and I hug. I am a mother. Divinely appointed.

    So do not sit with this notion of something lost...think of something gained. If being a mother is the goal...then God will see to it that you way or another.



  2. 1st... When something is for you, it is for you. If it is meant for you to bear children, you will - no matter what the doctor reports say.

    2nd... I can't agree more with Lovebabz's statement. If you cannot have children naturally, you can and still will be a mother. I believe that a mother is who you are, not what you become. I am a mother with no biological children.

    I don't know what my chances of conceiving are. I have never been pregnant and that's not to say that I haven't "tried" but I have felt as you feel when my friends were all having children. I remember in my early 20s, I did not want children. At all. And now that I'm older, especially when my ex came with a child and I love her as my own. It's beautiful and spiritual.

    So right now you want to forget the world? Go on. But when you come around, and I know you will, check out "Sacred Woman" by Queen Afua - if you haven't already or "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

    Hugs to You Sister.

  3. Hi,

    I recently subscribed to your blog. Kudos to Lovebabz and all she said. I'll definitely pray for you -- both your situation and inner well-being. As for the technical side of your dilemma, please make sure you evaluate all options before settling on one solution (get a second/third opinion and research for yourself).

    Thanks for your transparency in this blog -- I sense a kindred spirit. :D

  4. Oh no ma'am. Giving up is not an option for you and you know that. So what you can give birth but like Lovebabz said, it's not like youc an't be a mother. Dont you dare let something pull you into that black hole of depression and inadequency. You are neither!

  5. First, I want to say I hope that whatever is happening in your body you will be okay. Your health is first and foremost.

    Second, I can't lie I don't know what you are going through because I have children, but I have a sister who is going through issues of not being able to conceive as of yet (she had a surgery and is hopeful).
    And I remember when I lost my first daughter at five months. . .everyone told me to told on or try again or whatever and while they were being kind and supportive. I wanted to be angry.

    What I am saying is that no one can tell you not to be upset or cry or be angry. In time, you will, on your own come to a place where you will find peace.

    And no matter how you are blessed with children you will be a wonderful mother.

  6. First and foremost...I gotta thank the young ladies who's comments preceed mine. Your stories are a real eye opener for me. As a man, we don't think of this type of stuff and we don't appreciate what you go through. My wife and I have 3 little boys and never had any problems. You don't think about those things but you develop a deeper appreciation for what a woman is willing to endure. Thanks again for sharing

    Secondly, for up is not an option. It just aint. Listen to others. Listen to your heart. More importantly, listen to God. Nobody can deny what HE has in store for you!