Denying/Hiding Children Makes Your More Marketable?!?

I have come across many....interesting....situations since I have become a social salsa dancer. Salsa dancing allows me to meet people from many different walks of life that I may not have met in my regular routine. One situation that is really common in salsa dancing is people trying to make themselves more marketable to other sex. By any means necessary.

This goes beyond the men in three piece suits sweating likes hogs to look good and portray they have money and it goes beyond the women squeezing themselves into painted on dresses with their cottage cheese hanging out and ankles screaming from the 6 inch heels while trying to dance.

But hiding the fact that you have a child or children? Let that sink in for a moment.

I mean people are only posting photos of themselves in suggestive poses or photos with their 'peeps' while hanging out. Never a "Happy Birthday" post to the child or a mention that they are someone's parent. I am referring to people finding out their salsa friends are parents like 5 years after knowing them. Why? Apparently it makes them more 'marketable' to the dating pool. Yes, I have actually heard someone say that. I have overheard people saying "XYZ has a child but doesn't want anyone to know." It makes them more marketable.

My question is does denying or hiding a child really make that person more marketable? I know my views on many relationship issues appear to be old-fashioned but at what point do they reveal they have offspring and/or a mini-me at home? After they have tricked someone lied to someone and eventually get caught what are their reasons? Anyone who lies (that is what hiding children is, right?) about their own flesh and blood will lie about anything. How can you build any kind of relationship with someone who can keep that kind of thing a secret? Maybe it is because of my own upbringing but lying about children is the lowest of low (in my opinion) and you don't deserve to be anyone's parent!

By now I know many of you reading this think I am bashing men, right? Well, surprise!

Many, if not all, of the people I am referring to are WOMEN!

Let that sink in....go ahead I'll wait.




Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

The Right Person AND The Right Time

"I have wanted to be married. It just has to be the right time and the right person. I have met plenty of 'right' people at the wrong time and have had the 'right time' with the wrong people. I am hoping to have both."


This was a statement made by someone during a dinner date. He is older by a number of years and was explaining to me why/how a successful man in his forties has never been married, has no children and has only come close to being engaged once. Especially in a city where it is beat into our brains that black women outnumber black men by a million fifty-eleven to one (my southern girl creeps in sporadically :-)

I started thinking about the right time and the right person. Has there been a right time and a wrong person or a right person and the wrong time? I have been told on a few occasions that I am great catch but there is so much going on in their life they can not commit right now. I always took that as a man's way of letting me down easy. Then I would become confused because I could not remember asking them to settle down or commit to me outside of a dinner or a few drinks.

Sometimes a woman just wants to entertain the thought of a man's company. There are times when a woman would like nothing better than to sit across from someone she considers really easy on the eyes and have a good conversation over a great meal. Is it possible for a man to understand that?

If I know your finances are tight and I want your company, I will offer to pay for it. I am not expecting anything in return outside of your company, vertically. Why? Because I enjoy you. I enjoy you not because I am trying to wait on you, trap you, make you commit to me and start a relationship with you but because I simply enjoy your company, conversation and presence!

There are times when I want to enjoy the right person until the right time comes along. Then maybe my right time will become your right time (a la Darius in 'Love Jones'). Ha!

If our right times never come at the same time? It is fine with me and guess what? We will have great memories and good conversations to hold onto and take with us as our journey continues. Those two things I know for sure.


(P.S. - In case you're wondering that photo above is of the quintessential couple who could never find the right time with the right person. Handing out cool points if you can name the couple made timeless by this classic film. MAD cool poins if you know their real names :)



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Fall Cleaning, No Longer Addicted

I was asked by email if I could ever give up my Addiction. Without thinking about it I answered "YES!" He is not the man I need to be with, he is not the man who will give me the unconditional love I seek, he is not the man...for me. Period.

I know this. I have known this since month 3 and continued to have him in my life for over a year and a half. Why? Honestly, because having him in my life for a few nights a month was better than being alone. Having him for a few nights allowed me to pretend that he was mine. Allowed me to pretend there was a man who loved me, stroked my hair and cuddled with me while we slept. Even if it was not true. We were using each other, and I have stopped it. Permanently, for good. Period.

I have walked away from my Addiction. On my own accord, without the advice from friends or the push from anyone. I have cut all ties with no explanation because by the time he realizes I am gone I will be strong enough to keep walking when he calls me to return. There is no one else, no one who will fill the empty nights left by him or fill the empty spot on my sofa the few nights he handed out when he felt ready. Somehow, I will get through them.

I am taking great care to clear out the imperfections in my life. My personal life was first, now I am working on my finances and somewhere in all of that I am continuing to find this woman. She is phenomenal, sweet, compassionate, loving, a great dancer who gives her all and deserves the same in return.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Dating Dads

I am a daddy magnet.

Since my re-entry into the dating world I have only met two men who did not have children (recently met another, count stands at 3). Most of them have more than one (the average seems to hover around 2) and many of the children are pre-teen to teenagers. Sometimes I think I have this 'mommy potential' stamp on my forehead because I have never heard of so many men having custody or sharing custody of their children until now.

My percussionist friend has his youngest child (a very cute 8-year-old) about 5 days a week. One guy I met has custody of his oldest (17-year-old son) and working on getting custody of the youngest (15-year-old son). There was another guy who has had his son (now 18) since his mother literally dropped him off at his doorstep as a newborn and walked away. I've already mentioned the DJ friend who had his son for most of the summer and there is my Addiction who has his youngest two (13 and 11) very regularly.

I was not raised with my father. There was no one-on-one daddy duty when I was growing up. If it was not for the woman in my father's life throughout the majority of my childhood I am not sure how much I would have seen him. Because of that, I think I am attracted to men who take their daddy duty seriously. It is something I find extremely attractive and enduring. Especially the daddy hairstyles :-)

Dating a dad has limitations. They must arrange for sitters and cut nights short to relieve sitters. Many times their spontaneity must be planned. Schedules and school days are taken into consideration when dates are made. I have agreed to lunch and brunch dates when I would have much preferred dinner, drinks and dancing.

Yes, I am guilty of meeting dad after bed time. Let me not make a habit of that!

I love the daddy part of the men I meet but sometimes as a woman without children I would love to meet someone who has the freedom in their schedule that I have. Not having to worry about the children's mother and meeting other family that a man without children does not have. I wonder if that is possible at this age? When can I get this 'mommy potential' stamp cleaned off my forehead?

At least for a little while, maybe?



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

And Like That...He's Gone

I tried.

Tried to look past the things I did not like and enjoy the things I did.

Yes, he was kind. Yes, he saw me. Was understanding and patient with my damaged heart. I appreciated it. But some things can not be changed. I attended a few of his events. He is a good DJ and plays to his crowd. Almost makes it effortless but the Man Behind the Mic syndrome is funny to me. I noticed at the last event he started to stay behind the DJ table more than usual. I laughed until I cried when one chick stopped at the table and literally bent over in front of him in a barely there dress.

Really? Are we that desperate now? Wow...simply wow.

I've dealt with my issues of him being younger, having a past with one of my acquaintances and being a member of the Blue & White fam. But the son and the son's mother is pushing me over the edge.

I always attract dads, they either have custody of their children or share custody. Please don't get me wrong it is a trait I find extremely attractive but at times as a woman without children it can be frustrating. He has his son for the summer. A very hyper and rambunctious 3-year-old. I am not a fan of meeting family or children until we know what we are doing and what type of 'relationship' this it. I avoided meeting the son for weeks until he blatantly asked for me to come hang out with them.

It was way too soon.

This little boy jumped in the sofa, yelled at me to play with him, jumped and rolled in my lap and almost kicked me in the face. Thank God I have great reflexes. All dad said was 'calm down' a few times.

Ummm...ok.

I was sent barreling over the edge when dad was making lunch and I told the son to stop jumping in the sofa. He stopped jumping, looked me dead in the eye and said 'No' before continuing to jump. I knew it was time to go before I snatched this kid up and tore his little ass out the frame. I was not raised that way and could picture myself jacking him up against a wall. Who am I to discipline your child when you will not?

I am dating with a slightly different purpose now. I still date for fun and enjoyment but also to see if we fit into each others worlds. I can see myself having issue with him because of his disciplinary beliefs. Not to mention mom calls every two hours and he walks the house while talking to her. What are you saying that you can't say in front of me?

You can not be that worried or interested in your child staying with his father because he would behave much differently if you were. If you took the amount of time with him you spent calling over the summer when he is with you he would have better manners. Yes, I know what 3-year-olds are like. I taught pre-school for three years and guess what blog fam? You got it - I had the 3-year-old room complete with 21 of them.

I love children and would like to have a house filled with children's laughter. To help mold the next generation of leaders and genuine good people. But this situation?

Not good. No warm fuzzies there.

There are a lot of warning signs and this time I'm listening.



P.S. - You get MAD cool points if you can name the film that inspired the title of this post.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Damaged

As I sit here waisting my life away at the DMV I decided to give this mobile blogging thing a try.

Damaged
So Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
My heart is damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before....

Tell me are you up for the challenge
'Cause my heart is damaged.
Lyrics from - Danity Kane


It is true.

My heart is damaged.

In being pursued I am very honest with my suitor and myself and I know just how damaged I am. In being honest with myself I have confessed my shortcomings, explained why I like moving in tortoise speed and am leery of words. He says he understands. Looks me in the eye when he asks me to "stop running" and will tell me when I can't even realize it "you're running again."

He is patient, he is kind. I wonder if I will get tired of running before he tires of the chase. It is not done on purpose. It is almost instinct. There is no maliciousness in my running and I sincerely do not wish to hurt him. My past creeps up on me like a ninja in the night - totally unexpected and unforgiving. I have come a long way in this healing process but have a long way to go before I am fully healed. Often I wonder if I will ever heal completely?

I have emerged carefully from behind my wall a few times and immediately retreated to its safety when things became too intense too quickly. He looks at me and sees me. I wonder if what he says is true. If his actions are sincere or rehearsed.

Only time will tell.



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

He Called Me Out

"Dating someone who is divorced requires patience," he stated. Barely above a whisper.

I looked at him side-eyed but did not respond. Wanted to see where he was going with it. Because I KNOW he was not calling me high maintenance.

"You require patience. I understand, it's cool," he said as he looked back at me side-eyed with a wicked grin on his face. "I can be patient."

"You calling me high maintenance on the sly?" I could not resist the question.

He laughed at me.

"Long way from it, Luv. You're extremely cautious. You hide behind a brick wall. Think you can put in a door or at least a window?"

His words stung.

After several moments I replied, "Guess I've made progress. The wall was covered in ice with a moat around it. I'll see what the contractor quotes me and get back to you. The window probably...but the door," I shook my head. "You may be pushing it."



He called me out.

I say I am open to love, want it and need it. Have my arms open to allow it to walk right in but when it comes down to it...I hide behind a brick wall. Since my re-entry into this dating world I have not been treated poorly but have not been treated well either. It is my fault. I have allowed men to give me bits and pieces, snacking on crumbs while nursing a huge hunger that requires a full meal.

I have allowed men to give tidbits of time as they deem fit while they carved out pieces of themselves for me and her and her. Settled for just OK when I desired more, gave more and thought having a starting lineup would help fulfill the emptiness left by the franchise player. I was approaching this all wrong...waiting on men to realize I was worthy of their time and commitment when the truth is they knew I would never be their 'one' but it did not stop me from patiently pursuing the few I chose.

But now...I am being pursued. Courted.

The very thing I write about here at The Storm and comment on various posts of fellow bloggers is happening to me.

Invites to events, having dinner cooked for me, being introduced to friends and associates. Yes, even passing the friendship test way before being more than a friend was a consideration (on my part at least).

And I am running away...

We met by chance at an event I attended with my Salsa group. It was a Christian singles event and we were invited to spark interest in Salsa before classes began at the next event. He was the DJ (another creative mind, can't seem to get away from them) and I asked for a card (always the event planner) because he was literally rocking the place. Only to find out we already knew each other in passing.

That Blue & White world is too damn small.

The conversation lured me in. He is an orator and has an amazing way with words. There is nothing like a man who can express himself. Who can give you a compliment in one breath and tell you you're trying his patience with the next and it comes across as nothing short of communication. It is not mean or angry and it leads to conversation instead of arguments.

What's the problem? I knew you would ask.

I am an old soul and he is young. Sometimes it shows. Younger than anyone I have ever dated or considered dating. Not KayC you are being a Cougar young but a good 4 years younger. And being in the Blue & White network means there is someone he has a history with that I know...pretty well.

He makes a living in the entertainment industry which I vowed to step away from. Especially after my Addiction. Women flock to Men Behind the Mike (Thanks to Mrs. Mary Mack for that term) and that lifestyle is not easy on relationships even when you do trust your partner.

He is not physically what I would go for. I am shallow...and I can call myself out on it. Actually, I am not shallow I just want the total package. Whatever that is for me. I have settled before with someone because he had a great personality and when that personality began to fade and the 'real him' came out I no longer liked him and there was nothing else to him. Nothing to spark my interest and that is not a good place to reside.

I am treading dangerous waters and I have no clue what I am going to do. But I can tell you that being pursued by someone who makes the time to do so is a wonderful feeling. Being around someone who gives you space at events but can turn around and tell you, "I know what I want and I want you. I am going to pursue you."

Great feeling indeed.


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...