The NEW Normal...

Last year (2015) was a year full of extreme highs and lows. From January through New Year's Eve, my life was serving me large doses of great and horrible. I experienced so many wonderful moments like spending my birthday outside of the country and experienced extreme lows like saying good bye the final time to my fur baby as he crossed the rainbow bridge.

I loved my house when I first moved in a few years ago. Now, I have lost both of my rescued fur babies and my house is very empty. It is the new normal for me. Even after almost a year I find myself rushing home some days to walk a fur baby that is no longer here. It is a hard habit to break after 13 years. I am hoping to break it soon.

I have started to change my house. I do not like saying renovation, so I will say I am making small changes. Things I wanted to change for years have been made a priority and I am taking joy in getting my hands dirty. A pry bar is a great stress relief tool. Seeing a finished project is a great feeling. The perfectionist in me makes it hard to say a project is complete.

My neighborhood is also changing and I am not sure if I want to stay or if I want to sell. I am debating on moving, to another side of the city, to another city, maybe even to another country. It is only me, I have no children, I have no real responsibilities and I am debating on making a major life change.

I need to find my NEW normal.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Heartbroken

I am heartbroken. A special person died this morning and I....feel so empty.

I have written about my Familia de Cubano many times here. Salsa has become so much a part of my life that it is strange to look back and not have a good memory that does not include someone who dances with me. 

I learned to dance Cuban style salsa from a wonderful couple. The man affectionately known as "The Papi" and his partner. A woman who has always laughed and opened her home and heart to me like I was indeed family. They adopted me, took me under their wings, opened their home for holidays and gatherings and lifted me up whenever I felt down.

In the past 8 years I have grown to know and love them both like family. 

Today...this morning....one half of that couple has left this world....my heart is broken. As I type through tears I remember the good memories, her extremely bright blue (and sometimes green) eyes and the smile she shared with everyone. No one has a laugh as infectious as hers.

My life was/is better because of them both, because of her generosity. My Cuban family has suffered a tremendous loss. My heart breaks for The Papi and it is so very heavy today.

I take a little comfort that she is not in pain anymore. And I am extremely lucky to have known her and shared the years of her life. She touched so many....

...but I am heartbroken.

Our last words to each other...

I said, "Smooches hun, love you. Feel better!"

Her almost whispered response, "Smooches. Love you too!"

Real Love

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, 

can't-live-without-each-other love.” - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I love that quote. It describes that "love" that everyone seems to chase with reckless abandon. When you get older, you realize that life is not a fairy tale written by emmy winning television writers in a room on a movie production lot.

For a long time I did not know any happily married couples. Everyone I knew was either divorced, fighting an ugly custody battle over children or bashing their significant other to anyone who would listen. It is hard to keep a positive outlook when everyone is so negative. 

Then I met a couple who have been married for 30 years, all the children belong biologically to both of them and they are still happy. It made me feel good. After a little while I met another couple that was truly happy with each other, then another and slowly my faith started to return.

Then I started to look at myself and my own relationship. The quest for real love is something else. I am not searching for it but it would nice if it found me. Eventually, when I am really ready to receive it. 

The Mary J song was just in my head. It felt a little appropriate given the circumstances:

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings from  

One Step Closer

This year has been about finding real joy. The kind of joy that allows you to simply live each and every day independent of who is or is not participating that day. I am talking about keeping the kind of peace I enjoy on Saturday mornings when I leisurely walk the fur baby and curl up in my favorite corner of the sofa donning some sweats, a ponytail and an old tshirt.

I need that in my life. At this point I crave it.

I am searching for that thing I was 'born to do" and makes me happy. At one point I thought it was dance but I do not want the weekly commitment of teaching people. I enjoy dancing socially and the occasional classes but the thought of being tied to something weekly gives me the heeby jeebies. (spell checker had a field day with that one)

I find myself coming back to my first love. The thing I wanted to do when I was high school. The thing that made me rush to the movies early so I wouldn't miss a second of the previews. I am not sure if I am too old to pursue this dream but something in me tells me to keep trying.

I found another aide in helping me to figure this all out. These quizzes are interesting.

Your Result:

Your Scores

Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description by clicking the arrow below, and see what rings most true.

Striving to Help: 12

Striving to Be Recognized: 6

Striving to Be Creative: 15

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 9

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 15

Striving to Be Secure: 11

Striving to Be In Control: 12

Striving to Be Creative

You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.
What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.
Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Striving to Be Knowledgeable

You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. 

What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.
Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

The Job for You

3. Striving to be creative: Imagination and personal expression are important to this type, so they enjoy jobs as:
Graphic Designers
Art Directors
Yoga Instructors Drug Addiction Counselors
Architects
Actors/Musicians/Dancers/Athletes
College Professors
Yoga or Meditation Teachers

5. Striving to be knowledgeable: Deep thinking and an inventive spirit help this type excel in fields like:
Biomedical Research
Computer Programming
Law
Education
Engineering
Management
Environmental Planning
Telecommunications

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Denying/Hiding Children Makes Your More Marketable?!?

I have come across many....interesting....situations since I have become a social salsa dancer. Salsa dancing allows me to meet people from many different walks of life that I may not have met in my regular routine. One situation that is really common in salsa dancing is people trying to make themselves more marketable to other sex. By any means necessary.

This goes beyond the men in three piece suits sweating likes hogs to look good and portray they have money and it goes beyond the women squeezing themselves into painted on dresses with their cottage cheese hanging out and ankles screaming from the 6 inch heels while trying to dance.

But hiding the fact that you have a child or children? Let that sink in for a moment.

I mean people are only posting photos of themselves in suggestive poses or photos with their 'peeps' while hanging out. Never a "Happy Birthday" post to the child or a mention that they are someone's parent. I am referring to people finding out their salsa friends are parents like 5 years after knowing them. Why? Apparently it makes them more 'marketable' to the dating pool. Yes, I have actually heard someone say that. I have overheard people saying "XYZ has a child but doesn't want anyone to know." It makes them more marketable.

My question is does denying or hiding a child really make that person more marketable? I know my views on many relationship issues appear to be old-fashioned but at what point do they reveal they have offspring and/or a mini-me at home? After they have tricked someone lied to someone and eventually get caught what are their reasons? Anyone who lies (that is what hiding children is, right?) about their own flesh and blood will lie about anything. How can you build any kind of relationship with someone who can keep that kind of thing a secret? Maybe it is because of my own upbringing but lying about children is the lowest of low (in my opinion) and you don't deserve to be anyone's parent!

By now I know many of you reading this think I am bashing men, right? Well, surprise!

Many, if not all, of the people I am referring to are WOMEN!

Let that sink in....go ahead I'll wait.




Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...This Type of Love

I am a hopeless romantic. Have been a member of the hopeless romantic club since I can remember. It has nothing with fairy tale books or Disney movies. My house had no real signs of healthy relationship-type love growing up, so I have no clue where this devout hopeless romantic trait has its roots. Maybe it was my desire to be the opposite, to break the cycle, to have the unattainable? My fantasies have nothing to do with a man on a white horse who whisks me away to live happily ever after.

I simply believe in love.

I believe in deep-my heart skips a beat when I see you-get butterflies when I'm walking to you-can feel the sparks when I touch you- type of love. Enduring love that makes deep kisses not deep enough and the morning rays of sunshine come way too fast-type of love. The type of love where people look at you looking at him/her and smile an all-knowing smile because you can't hide it type of love.

I want that type of love.

I need that type of love.

One day it will find me...this type of love:





Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting together

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
and I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours



Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...I'm only ONE Woman

Lately I am being pulled into many different directions and sometimes I forget that I am only ONE woman and need to politely decline when people ask for my help. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem lending a hand or my expertise when needed but sometimes I forget to take care of self.

Forgetting to take care of self first is also a problem in my personal life. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of being the "one and only" and when I choose to give of myself I give fully, whole-heartedly and without reservation. It is simply me, the essence of who I am. My next loveship will appreciate that about me.

You never have to worry about my love
as long as you're taking care of business with my heart
see i'm the kind of girl
to dedicate my world
and you gotta give me all you got
i need it all baby every drop

I tell the men I meet that I am a show me kind of girl. Talk is good, I appreciate good conversation and you must give "good phone" if you want to get to know me. But know I watch what you do as well as what you say. I love small gestures, the text that says you're running a little late. The shoulder rubs as we stand in line at the movie theater. Trust me, I am paying attention...

you got to show me
and mean the words you say
its not a game for me baby
its just not that way

I have truly enjoyed meeting the men who have come across my path. Some of them are meant to be only friends and I make sure to communicate that so there are no misunderstandings. A few others I have had to clarify that you must get to know me first, invest the time to become my friend before we can possibly become anything else. It speaks volumes to me when a man remembers details from our conversations.

I'm only one woman baby
treat me like a lady
you gotta take the time to show me
that i'm your one and only
I'm only one woman baby
and i need a one woman man

When he invests time to watch a football game with me (yes, I said football - college preferably), discuss the latest music and my interest in dance. When a man makes time for me, when he starts to invest quality time into this one woman, know that he is important to me and I will do the same.

you never have to wonder if i care
if you're sharing the way i feel for love you know i'm real
i'm the kind of girl to dedicate my world
but you gotta give me all you got
i need it all every drop

I was beginning to settle for not quite good enough because I began to think I could not have everything I needed. The disappointments were coming in tidal waves and I began to think that what I receiving was good enough for me to live with. Sadly, I thought I could thrive on what was handed to me half-heartedly when I was willing to give so much more of myself.

i'm only one woman baby (i'm just a woman)
treat me like a lady (i'm not your ordinary girl)
you gotta take the time to show me (you got to be down for me)
that i'm your one and only (the woman in your world)
i'm only one woman baby (i'm just one woman)
and i need a one woman man

I am only ONE woman. I can only do so much but what I can absolutely control is who I choose to give any of myself to, who I choose to share my life with if it is friendship or so much more. Settling is not something I want to do, especially when I am not holding back on my love and or giving of who I am.

I get it. People will take what you offer without a second thought if you let them. Some people will take from you until there is nothing left to give and then they will move on to the next unexpecting person to receive more. It is up to me to choose wisely, I can not blame anyone but myself.

Like Jade sang so many years ago...I'm only one woman, baby. And I need a ONE WOMAN MAN!!!

*Here is the video if that Jade reference was before your time ;-)




Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...Just Forget the World?

Choices...choices...choices.

I recently found out my chances for having children are very slim. There is no wild sexual history (quite the opposite) and I have never had an STD. I did everything "right" so to speak. I was one of those mythical creatures that earned her white dress when she walked down the aisle.

Now I find myself mad, angry, frustrated that my body may have portrayed me. That my insides are growing things they should not be growing. Mutating in ways that may be unsafe. I just want a clean bill of health...all of a sudden having children is not important. My mother's desire of having her only child give her a pass into grandmother hood is a mute point.

I just want to forget the world. I retreat when I need time to think, to deal with the things being thrown my way. This is one of my favorite shows and right now one of my favorite songs.

Just for a short time, I want to forget the world...




Chorus:
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?





Peace & Blessings...

How I'm Feeling...It's Yours

Great music and a storm go hand in hand for me like PB&J. I have a major CD collection that is in constant rotation. It is not unusual for my home to be filled with great music and the television (as much as I LOVE movies and TV) to be turned off. You add some candles and my crush, well...TMI :)

You get the idea.

Music is the soundtrack of life. Some music grabs you by the soul and doesn't let you go. It's like the artist heard your thoughts and set them to a great melody. Right now, J Holiday must have took a peak inside KayC's heart and came up with this one. It is in heavy rotation on my appropriately titled play list The Love List on my new music player phone(I refuse to spend $200 to buy an ipod).

I would gladly go to a J Holiday concert if he was performing in an intimate setting, but I don't think I could stand the screaming teenagers of a big venue. (Hint to J's manager, he has older fans who would love to see him perform) I am loving my new phone and this song. Especially the chorus, which I would gladly sing to my crush with a glowing smile on my face...


Chorus from J. Holiday's It's Yours...

Grab my body baby
Hold my heart, don't break it
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
Ohh, and I ain't never been this way
Grab my body baby
Hold my heart, don't break it
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
It is yours (It is yours)
Ohh, and I want you to know that I love
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)
You, hold you, hold (Can't get enough, can't get enough)


I had to include the video. I love a man who can wear a hat well. Enjoy!