Bucket List....I did WHAT?!? WHERE? (Dancing in Cuba)

I put together a bucket list back in 2009 (I think) which included all kinds of things I want to do but never really thought I would accomplish. After I started dancing I put "salsa dance in a club in Havana" on the list. Never did I think I would actually ever have the opportunity to go to Havana, Cuba let alone salsa dance in one of the oldest salsa clubs in the world. Little did I know...

In May of this year I went to Cuba. 

There are always live bands performing there. Wonderful bands that we choreograph performances to here, yeah, they perform there daily. They are right in front of you, they talk to you, take photos with you and pose for photos from stage. There were two guys there who were tearing up the dance floor. My friend and I watched them for a while until I said, "I would love to go dance with him." My friend took my drink and phone and said, "go ask him."

With the liquid courage from a few rum and cokes I walked up to him, (with my familia de Cubano wondering where I was going) simply held out my hands, and this happened...

THIS is why I love dance. We said not one word to each other as he took my hand and danced and laughed through the song as the band jammed on stage. At one point I looked up and we had an audience watching who were enjoying our dance just as much as we were. When the song ended I offered him a hug and said "Thank you" in English. I caught the look of surprise on his face as it registered with him that I was American. My Cuban family clapped as I walked back to our tables and I bowed playfully as it sank in that I had just crossed off that bucket list item.

Something I thought I would NEVER get to do.

Man, sometimes I look at this video to make sure it really happened. More on my trip of a lifetime later.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Real Love

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, 

can't-live-without-each-other love.” - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I love that quote. It describes that "love" that everyone seems to chase with reckless abandon. When you get older, you realize that life is not a fairy tale written by emmy winning television writers in a room on a movie production lot.

For a long time I did not know any happily married couples. Everyone I knew was either divorced, fighting an ugly custody battle over children or bashing their significant other to anyone who would listen. It is hard to keep a positive outlook when everyone is so negative. 

Then I met a couple who have been married for 30 years, all the children belong biologically to both of them and they are still happy. It made me feel good. After a little while I met another couple that was truly happy with each other, then another and slowly my faith started to return.

Then I started to look at myself and my own relationship. The quest for real love is something else. I am not searching for it but it would nice if it found me. Eventually, when I am really ready to receive it. 

The Mary J song was just in my head. It felt a little appropriate given the circumstances:

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings from  

Proud of Her

I posted a few years ago about my cousin and I making a pact to see the world together. We took a cruise and then things went south (the best laid plans of mice and men). She took on a part-time job and I had a few unexpected car repairs come up that took the "extra" I had planned on using for travel (outside of my scheduled performances).

Well, fast forward a few years and my cousin is now a new mommy! This is something she has wanted for some time but had experienced a great deal of complications in doing so. What makes me so proud of her? Other than the obvious thing of opening your heart and life to a precious life that requires molding and guidance? I am proud of her because she adopted a very lucky baby girl.

African-Americans tend to frown upon adoption but we have adopted for generations. We just called it "so-and-so will come stay with us for a while." Then they never left. What is adoption other than that? Kids living with relatives or friends of the family while their parents "got themselves together." Sound familiar? You had cousins growing up like siblings and friends children being treated like one of their own for many years. Adoption (to me) is just like that but with legal paperwork.

My cousin is single, never been married but knew she wanted to be a mother. She is extremely stable, has two sisters and a brother in immediate proximity who help with the baby along five nieces and nephews who are old enough to baby sit when needed (whom she helped raise and was there for daily). Like I said, this baby will never know what it is like to NOT be loved.

Photo courtesy of her Auntie

Seeing her with her new daughter warms my heart. It is strange to see her with her own child and her sisters fuss over her daughter like she is their own (I often tease her that she adopted a baby for her sisters, she is not the mom :-) Referring to her as "mommy" will take some getting used to but I am so proud of her for going after the life she wants. She knew what wanted, knew what path she wanted her life to go and made it happen. In doing so, she is making life wonderful for a little girl who might not have had the same opportunities she will have now.

One thing I do talk to lucky baby about is our little joke. Her mother and I were the last two women in the family to not have children. Lucky baby and I were lounging on the sofa and I was failing miserably at keeping her awake in an effort for her to sleep at night. Lucky baby -1, KayC - 0. 

I told her, "Your mommy and I had a pact to see the world. We were the last two who did not have babies and then she was blessed with you. Now why did she go and do that to me?"

While sleeping peacefully in my arms she stretched, smiled a little, yawned and continued to sleep.

Lucky baby indeed :-)

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Following My Intuition

I was catching up on some blog reading this holiday weekend and one of favorite bloggers was talking about being superficial in her writing. Being shallow in what she writes and the stories she tells about life. It was timely to me. So timely in fact that I could have been reading my own writing.

I started this blog what seemed like a few years back as an outlet. My life was in shambles and I was trying to find my way through the flames. This was the one place I was honest. The one place where I would pour my heart out under pen names and pseudonyms to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

Somehow I got away from that. I stopped putting things down on paper because I never wanted to live through them again. But that is not fair to myself. I need an outlet. I need something to get it out of my head and let go and give it to God. The good and the not so good.

I dusted out my journal yesterday and still have not written a word in it. What I have done is re-read a few things from the last time I put pen to paper over three years ago. I had forgotten all the little things that led up to major decisions at that time. Things that make journaling (and this blog) so important.

What I need to do is learn to follow my intuition. That gut feeling that never seems to steer me wrong. Whenever something goes wrong in my life it is because I went against that feeling. I find myself dealing with things in the end of relationships that I KNEW would be issues because they were nagging in my gut in the beginning. I find myself saying " I KNEW BETTER" whenever I go against that tiny voice inside of me. About anything.

From this point on I have made myself a promise. I will follow that gut instinct.

I will start now...

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings from  

Learning, Struggling, Healing and Moving Forward

At the end of the year I wrote this post explaining why I was in a bit of a slump and my need and desire to get out of it. Thank you for the replies and I did follow some advice and looked around for a few career assessments and tests to see what may be out there. 

I am not a college kid anymore and I find myself slashing things off my list because I feel I am too old to do a few things I wanted to do. Ha! I can not believe that I typed that. When did we become adults and too old for anything?!?

Well, I took a free online test and it gave me some pretty insightful things on my personality. Including KayC has the personality of a whopping 1% of the population. That might explain why I think a lot of people are strange and have a hard time figuring out why things went down the way they did. I will spare you the gory details but what I found interesting was the list of suggested careers for my personality. They were: 

career counselor

psychologist
educational consultant
special education teacher
librarian
artist
minister
playwright
novelist/poet
editor/art director
information-graphics...designer
HRM manager
merchandise planner
environmental lawyer
marketer
job analyst
mental health counselor
dietitian/nutritionist
research
educational consultant
architects
interpreter/translator

Very interesting considering I have held or thought about most of the jobs on this list. I am looking into a few of them and trying to figure out if I can somehow make this a career move that I will be happy with. We spend the majority of our time at work earning a paycheck to pay for housing, cars and 'stuff' that we barely see or enjoy. I must change that. I will change that and SOON!

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

I am NOT an Exhibit at the Zoo...

I am not a party girl. There, I said it. Even in college after I earned my three Greek letters and two colors I would perform in numerous step shows but was often standing off the side while everyone else danced (and strolled) the night away. I have met a lot of people because I was off to myself laughing at my friends and watching the crowd.

I have tried being the 'social butterfly' but much prefer to be myself. The person who enjoys going out to dance. That does not include random surface level conversations or just small talk. The introvert in me hates it so imagine my surprise when the guy wanted to attend a small NYE house party of a salsa dancer he knew. 

We had agreed to stay home this year after the debacle of last year's party at a local hotel. It was so hilariously awful I refuse to rehash the details. Like I said, my inner 'homey chick' was digging the stay inside and lounge while watching the countdown on New Year's Rockin' Eve. The guy on the other hand agreed to attend the house party. 

I vaguely know the couple from salsa dancing in the area but the guy knows them better. I threw on some jeans, a nice sweater and a pair of flats. Because any woman reading this knows there is always the possibility of standing around at a house party and I refuse to stand around in heels wishing I had worn flats.

We arrived after 11pm and the guy opens the door and head to the kitchen area to stash the adult beverages we brought along with us and every eye in the room looked me up and down. At first I thought it was my imagination but soon realized it was not. 

Maybe it was my big curly afro (which was bigger than normal because I was off work for a while)? 

Maybe it was the fact that I wore jeans? 

Maybe it was the fact that the guy resembles an actor and I did not look anything like that well-known actor's well-known girlfriend?

Or just maybe it was the fact that I the ONLY woman in the room (minus the hostess) not dressed in 5 inch heels, an itty bitty dress and a head full of weave?

Maybe it was all of the above?

I grabbed a seat at the end of the room while the guy socialized with the host and every man in the room made it a point to walk by me and stare at me as they walked by. It became a game to me as I made small talk with the very nice lady sitting next to me. Each man would slow down slightly to stare before returning to his designated staked out space in the room. It would not have been so bad but I was not sitting in the area where the foot traffic flowed. It was actually more convenient for them to walk the other way. I had not experienced anything like that in a very long time. I know I live in the land of buy it, stick it, glue it and/or braid it in but I have been in this natural hair game for a very long time. Almost 17 years. I am comfortable with who I am and I do not need to flaunt it with the bottom of my cheeks hanging out a dress or heels so high I have to walk with bent knees. 

Part of me was proud for being comfortable with who I am and what I like and the other part of me was upset because I was clearly being put on display. I could not do anything but shake my head at this experience as it reminds me why I became comfortable in my skin. Why I try to be myself in any situation. I refuse to have other people dictate what I am supposed to look like while they look uncomfortable.

What did the guy say? He laughed and said "I told you! It is hard to find a black woman who does not fit the stereotype." 

After this party I guess I have to agree. It must be a little harder for men than I realize.

Happy Holidays (My Christmas Playlist)

The holiday season is upon us once again. I love the holidays. I absolutely adore this time of year. There is something about it that makes people a little nicer, a little more hectic but people seem to melt just a little from the normal routine and day to day lifestyle.

My family is a sucker for the holidays. We always try to get together and just enjoy each other's company. The food flows, the drinks and adult beverages flow and so do the laughs, stories and memories. I am wishing all of you a very happy holidays. As we try to relax, travel to see family or simply stay home be safe, happy and have a great holiday season!

I'll leave you with a compilation of some of my favorite holiday songs. Some are classics, some are new (in the grand scheme of things) and some are down right silly but they all make me feel great. They make me remember that the one thing I will cherish is my memories with my loved ones.

Birthday/End of Year Reflections 2012

I missed my birthday reflections this year. There was/is so much going on that I have to deal with. I am still in the middle of much needed soul searching. I have been told that I can see flaws in anything and I can tell you 1,001 ways how something will go. That may be great in my business life but in my personal life it causes me to be a introvert and take the safe way out. Taking the safe way is not always the best way.

There were a few deaths around my birthday that made the day very somber. I find myself looking back on my life and not liking where I am right now. I want so much more and can not seem to find a way through the muck to get my footing. I do not like where my life is right now career-wise so I must find a way to change it. I must find a way to make my life make sense to me again because right now, it does not. I am thankful for how far I have come but I feel I have so much more to do.

I did not have a party this year. I went to the beach for a much needed change of scenery and it was okay but I wish I could have stayed a lot longer. The beach is so calming for me. Maybe because it brings back good childhood memories? This beach photo is similar to one on my vision board. I think I did almost everything on my vision board this year so maybe I need to be more specific on my next vision board.

I have been asked if the photos from my weekend are my own. Yes, I took them with my old point and shoot Nikon. Maybe I should look into digital photography.

I am open to any resources the blog family may recommend on helping on the career path. I must make a move in 2013. I have wasted way too much time.


Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

Push and Pull, Give and Take

Time flies and I can not believe that months have past since I posted here.

The relationships I am around right now have me questioning how we pick our significant others. Some people are givers and some people are takers by nature. There are those who want to control and those who want to please. It should balance out right? Not exactly.

Sometimes takers will take until they suck the life out of the people around them. People who are natural givers will give their all. They will give until they have nothing left for themselves. At what point does the push and pull balance out to meet in the middle?

Is there ever a point when the taker learns to give? Or do they simply use everyone around them until they use them up?

Why is it that two givers can not find each other? I know two takers would never find a balance but it would be nice to see two people catering to each other.

Until Next Time,

Peace & Blessings...

From Good to Great

My birthday month was very good to me. I celebrated with friends who have known me since...before life was complicated. When life was about going to school and your job was making decent grades. I swear time speeds up as you get older. It does not seem like I have known those two for 22 years.
Life is good. I still have a job, a roof over my head and doing things I enjoy. With the current US housing situation I will be in my home for a while but having great credit is making me stay put instead of abandoning my home to jump on some of the great housing deals that are out here like other folks. It perplexes me that people think it's a good idea to abandon their home to get another one. There should be some kind of serious consequences to doing this. They're only adding to the already bad situation.
Anyway, there is not much missing from my life. At this point I am re-evaluating what it takes to change my life from good to great.
This life is too short for it to simply be 'good.'


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Be Inspired - Heavy D

Twitter will give you news first. It may not always be accurate or have many details but you will stay up to date on a lot of things if you are on Twitter.

Yesterday Twitter lit up with the news of Heavy D's death. I have always been a fan of Heavy D, going back to when it was Heavy D and the Boyz. Back in the 90s every good party had a few Heavy D hits mixed in the playlist. I remember dancing in the car as I drove to and from college and the parties that were sure to make you tired and late for work the next day. Not only was his music great but the videos always featured great dancers and Heavy could move!!!

I usually do not post tributes to entertainers but with Heavy D it is different. Death is surrounding me this month and it brings me back to my reflection. People had an outpouring for Heavy D that was different than others. The reoccurring theme about him is he was always positive. He always wanted to be the best at what he did. As I jammed in my car on the way home during the tributes I realized every song was uplifting, every song made you want to move and not one disrespected women or himself. Not only did he have that approach as a rapper but also as an actor. Going after acting with the same gusto as he did with music.

That is a unique legacy within itself. As I reflect on that and how difficult it is to successfully execute such a positive light in today's society I remember his last Tweet....

"Be Inspired"


I leave you with some great music from the Overweight Lover. I know it will make you dance and smile. I enjoyed all of his music, even the latest album, so I would be remiss to tell you these are my favorites. They are just a sampling of my favorite Heavy D songs, as that list is HUGE!



From the first Album Living Large, 1987
Mr. Big Stuff





From the second Album Big Tyme, 1989
We Got Our Own Thang





From the third Album Peaceful Journey, 1991
Now That We've Found Love





From the fourth Album Blue Funk, 1993
Blue Funk





From the eighth Album Vibes, 2008
Long Distance Girlfriend





Rest in peace Heav, you did a remarkable job here on earth with the gifts you were given.

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

He Is...

For my blog Sis LoveBabz who wanted to know about the 'Man' I mentioned in my last post...something tells me she is not the only one who had the question.


I remember when I met him. I was at one of my weekly Salsa events a few years ago. At the time I was enjoying my Addiction and had no desire or curiosity to start anything with anyone. It was the middle of the week and I was enjoying my new found obsession with Salsa.

I make rounds at Salsa events, meaning I do not stay in one area of an event for long and have avoided (for the most part) being labeled as an On1, On2 or Casino dancer. He grabbed my hand and asked if I would like to dance. Hardly ever turning down a dance unless I am headed out the door or in serious need of a breather I accepted and we talked through our first dance. The usual conversation followed, name, where you learned to dance, do you live here, etc. I wish I could say 'and the rest is history' but this is not that kind of story.

We would see each other on the dance floor at various events and we would always dance at least once, sometimes more. The conversations kept coming over the years (I am a talker on the dance floor, if you can not talk and dance or if that annoys you please don't ask me to dance) and eventually he asked for my number.

Over a year had passed since we first laid eyes on each other. Yes, it was over a year before numbers were exchanged and by this time I was coming out of my Addiction and had started seeing someone else. I was not in the position to start anything and our first phone conversation was light. I remember thinking that I was not sure if this would/could go anywhere.

I thought he was a good guy but I just could not see it at that time. He loves to tell people that I was leaving to go on a cruise and told him I would call when I returned but he did not hear from me for three months. I laugh but it is true. I did not call him when I got back. I took that time to clean up my life and clean out the junk that took residence there. Even after cleaning house we remained friends and would talk from time to time.

Things changed one night about a year ago. I received a phone call from him early one morning saying that I left the event without saying goodbye. Still not knowing if he was showing interest or just small talk I waved it off until one night while waiting to say goodbye he stopped dancing with someone to dance with me before I left.

I am naive to certain things. He would call and talk to me as he drove home from salsa events and our conversations would last for hours. Still, I did ask if he was 'interested or just being nice?' Our journey began slowly when he answered, 'both.' The rest, as they say, is history.

I will not give a name or a description here as I am still very protective of this relationship. He does resemble a celebrity and gets asked for autographs from time to time with the occasional "Oh my GOD...I LOVE your show!"

I only see a resemblance at times and I am often in bewilderment as I see people stare when we are out and about. He handles it well but gets frustrated at times. I just laugh and walk away as people insist that he is being modest.

Now that I look at this photo if you trim down the facial hair and make his hair a little shorter...well, the resemblance is uncanny. Ha! I have missed that all this time.

With that in mind...let's just call him Theo ;-)

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

That's Just the Way It Is

"That's just the way it is"
These last few weeks have been rough. My father is fine. Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes via blogger, twitter and FB. He returned to work and returned to being the father that I have known for most of my life. The one who is M.I.A. The one who does not return phone calls or text messages.

Deep down I wanted our relationship to be different. At this point in my life I am not sure I could have looked at him as a 'Father' but I needed him to be a friend, to be in my life or at least act like he gives a damn! It is more than astonishing to me how any person can go from confessing how much they care for you, hold endless conversations with you for days then go back to their life without you...without a second thought.

By day three when my messages went unanswered I became worried and afraid. Surely if something was wrong someone would have called me, right? I contacted my oldest sister and she assured me he was fine and that is when I became angry. I was hurt and was heartbroken for days. I did not want to talk about it with anyone but I realized that once again I had allowed this man to crush me.

I gathered myself up, realized he is who he is and put those feelings away. They now live back on the shelf where they took up residence before he got sick.

"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is"

Work is just...work. I am here, I have a job, it pays the bills. I am looking for my passion. That thing that will make me get up in the morning and allow me to look forward to my day. Often I wonder if it exists or if it is wishful thinking.

My events company is holding its biggest event this weekend. I am nervous and excited about it. Three days and nights of non-stop dancing and I am going to soak up every bit of it! Of course there will be photos and maybe a little video. I am not sure yet.

Well, that is about it for now. Well...there is someone in my life. He has been around for a while but I have kept him 'close to the chest' so to speak. He is a good guy with a good heart and that means so much to me right now. Because this last line is the part I'm having issues with.

"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them"

Yeah, I dug into the vault for this one. I was wondering through the mall last week (I loathe shopping) and found myself singing along. How many of you remember this one? I love Phil Collins but his rendition can't touch this version.

Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

My Sweet, Sweet Dance Hangover

I mentioned my first performance with my Salsa group last year and how we were debuting a new routine at the 3-day Cuban Party in December. There was some gooooddddd dancing at that party!!!!!

I have NEVER experienced a party like that but I guarantee I will do my best to make my next event just as good. I met some new DJs that had some people literally dancing out their shoes, hats and bra straps. One of my Salseros changed his shirt and could almost wring the sweat out of it. Good times...good times!

I took some great classes, saw some old friends and made some new ones. There is a wonderful Latin DJ from New Mexico that I have on tap for an event later next year and I learned some great new moves, watch out hardwoods! But the best part of this past weekend was the performance. Last year I watched as these ladies performed and I thought how nice it would be to learn to dance like them. Little did I know I would receive an invite to join their group a few weeks later and be a part of their performance this year!

I am so proud to be a part of this wonderful group. These ladies are BAD and this performance was the absolute best performance I have ever had. It wasn't perfect but the energy and vibe during that performance was so good people were coming up to us for the rest of the weekend telling us how much they enjoyed watching us dance, how much energy we have on stage, what great chemistry we have in our group and how much they can tell we have fun being together. It is all true and something tells me it will only get better from here. We closed out the performances on the main night and the best compliment was the owner of the party coming up to us saying "THAT is how you close out the performances!" Video? Of course there is video ;-)


g


The last night of the party we danced with the Salsa singer from earlier this year. He is a wonderful man with a warm spirit and I must say he rocked that crowd. We were once again his backup dancers. The dancing to his singing was beyond belief. We lost him in the crowd and as I looked up he was singing with the mic in his left hand and dancing with a lady in his right! I hope that opportunity leads to bigger and better things for him. He so deserves it.




It was back to work the following Monday and I was nursing a dance hangover but man, was I happy! I am truly blessed and highly favored. I am surrounded by a network of people who care for me and want what's best for me. Finally, I am rejoicing in a place where I am comfortable in who I am and I am enjoying life. I have met so many wonderful diverse people and I have hobbies that keep a smile on my face, that are great for my health and well-being and I am happy. Let me repeat that, I AM HAPPY!!!!

I am truly overwhelmed in my life and I am so happy to stand in this spot, at this moment and let the tears of joy roll down as I recall this year. The great memories, laughs, love, friendship, family, travel. I am excited to see what comes next.

I hope you enjoyed your holidays...I really enjoyed mine.


Peace & Blessings...

Meditating in Mexico

I found her.

I went on my very first cruise and I found myself again. I had lost her in the drama of the world and somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico I found this woman who was exhausted from wandering. She whispered in my ear and took her rightful place in my life. Like she had lived there all along and had never disappeared.

My cousin and I took our first trip 'sister girl' trip together. It was a cruise to Mexico. We went with a group of about 20-30 people and had a great time.

Before the ship left the dock

I can scratch taking a cruise off my 50 things to do list. As well as drinking tequila and Salsa dancing in Mexico. I had to convince this Cuban guy named Leo that I was not Cuban or of any Hispanic decent. He seemed convinced I was Hispanic because of the way I Salsa. I have to tell my instructor he complimented him on his teaching methods :)

Every morning I would wake up early, put on my swimsuit, hat and sunglasses and find a quiet spot on the deck to enjoy the breeze and watch the waves. There are no words to explain the feeling of being there in the moment. My phone turned on airplane mode, slow music playing softly in my ears and the serenity that came with it. No sense of time and no sense of urgency to be anywhere by a deadline.

I looked like this every day - only the swimsuit changed



My morning view looked like this



This was considered the cloudy day

I meditated, thought out some feelings/conflicts and just enjoyed myself, enjoyed the company of nice people and great drinks. Sitting alone or with a group I always met someone. Some very nice ladies from Toledo, a Jean-Claude Van Dame look-alike from Tampa, a group from Detroit and countless others.

By the time we set sail to return from our destination we knew our crew members by name and began to learn more about them. It was great to be on a smaller boat because you really get the chance to enjoy the company of new friends. You began to see the same faces and they remember you as well.

The sunset and nights with a full moon on the water were absolutely breathtaking. I would spend every evening with a group of photographers trying to capture what we were seeing on digital film. Every photo was great but did not come close to seeing it in person. Thank God my camera also does video. It took exactly 1 minute and 30 seconds for the sun to dip into the water.



The only down side is I did not get my passport stamped but this view and the sampling of tequila more than made up for it.

The ships docked in Mexico

I have learned enough Spanish to communcate in port, one lady started speaking to me in French and became really confused when I responded to that as well :)

The travel bug has bitten both my cousin and I and we are already looking for great deals and our next 'sister girl' destination.

Watch out world...here we come!


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Conquering, Clarity and Closure

I did it. I sat across from the ex-husband over breakfast and got the answer to 'what happened.' It was a little painful. Like taking a bullet when he said he had recently married the woman he cheated with on several occasions. A mere year after our divorce was final he married the woman he dated before we met. The woman he professed to never had loved, had cheated on and swore he did not want. The woman who told me 'his family would always be hers as well.'

I guess she was right.

I do not want him back. I do not pine over him nor do I ever want to develop a friendship with him. I felt it was much needed closure. I wanted to hear what happened to our marriage straight from his mouth. He owed me that after a decade of my life.

It was a feeling of relief and validation that he admitted it was not me and I did nothing wrong. He admitted his immaturity and says he tells people it was him that did stupid things over and over again. I did not expect him to own it and I owned up to my part in the train wreck but to have him say I made him a better man was a low blow.

A low blow because it was not a compliment. How could it be a compliment that I suffered for 10 years to mold you for the next woman to enjoy? Especially one who contributed to the demise? Whew! Let me digress...

It was clarity. I know that it was not me and I know that I did not drive him to make the decisions that were made. It was closure to know that my suspicions of him and her were not in my imagination. It was closure for me to have the courage to tell him to his face the things he did to me were f@cked up! It was closure to walk away with my head held high knowing that I am a better person because of it. I am stronger than I ever thought I was and have grown into a phenomenal woman in spite of him.

I knew this day would come. I knew that one day I would have to face the man that used to have me scared to talk on the phone with my friends or enjoy the company of my fam.

I conquered a major demon. If I can look him in the eye and do that, I can do anything!


Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...

Learning to Let Go

My feelings are hurt.

It was my choice.

Sometimes I think it was foolish choice and other times I think it was a learning opportunity. I chose to get involved with someone knowing they were carrying trunks full of baggage from a previous relationship. His life was permanently altered by his choices and now he has a new career path, insurmountable debt and different living conditions. I was willing to look past all of it. The hopeless romantic in me made it possible to open up to him and it seems the moment I decided to give in, to go with what I felt, it came tumbling down.

Like Jilly from Philly said "I knew you were seeing other people. Hell, so was I" but when the photos of the two of them cuddled up started to appear on networking sites and he started commenting and liking her photos I knew it was more to them than he would ever admit. More to them than there would ever be of us. She has seen our photos as well, her looks toward me at the lounge he owns give away more than she ever could.

The truth is that it has been off and on between us for almost a year. He has taken up a spot in my life that he has not earned. I have given him more than he deserved and that is also my choice. It was also my choice to go back and forth in something that obviously has no future. This was my first time opening my heart after the divorce and it has shown me that dating has not changed from the days of old. I hated dating in my teens and truth is I hate it now.

The absolute truth is that I am not sure I would want a real relationship with him. I go back and forth with what I want, trying to make sure that I am really ready for the requests I make. Do I want a relationship right now? Can I handle a strictly physical relationship? Am I ready for someone else's baggage when I may be still dealing with my own? The answer to all of these...I am not sure.

Why did I continue with him? I still do not have an answer.

There are other men in my life but I made the choice to try to pursue him. The chemistry was smoldering while the communication was lacking. I thought I could handle the physical, thought I could handle openly sharing someone if we had no titles or expectations on each other. I thought I could just go with the flow.

I was wrong...

I am a typical Scorpio in that I love deeply and am fiercely loyal. Did I love him? Not sure. Am I hurt by the choices I made? Deeply. I am not mad at anyone but myself. It was my choice and I allowed things to happen the way they did. It was me that allowed him to treat me less than I deserve, less than I gave with a lot to be desired of his follow thru. KayC takes full responsibility in that and now I realize that no one else can step into my love until he is no longer there taking up valuable real estate that he does not deserve and has not earned.

Just another example that I must learn to let go...hopefully I can learn it sooner rather than later.


Peace & Blessings...

My Letter to Santa 2009

Dear Santa,

This year has been a whirlwind. As I look out into the cold rain that has engulfed my window I humbly ask for the ability to keep it together. To have the strength to help my mother through her trying times as well as the eloquence to communicate in a way that will be thought provoking yet mild enough to penetrate her thick shell.

I ask for continued blessings for my sister and her family. My niece is growing by leaps and bounds and I ask for her continued happiness, joy and growth to become a wonderful young lady. Understanding for my baby brother and sister that they know I think of them often even if we are apart. The courage for them (or myself) to pick up a phone to hear each others voices while we have the ability to do so.

Peace of mind for my cousins as they battle their own demons and find their place in this world. I ask for the ability to find my footing and keep my roots as things continue to push against me. Flexibility as I stretch and hopefully not break under the pressures of everyday life.

There are many things I can ask for...the winning lottery numbers for the $140 million, new car, new job. But at the end of the day none of that really matters.

I humbly ask for the things that matter...to me.

Peace & Blessings...

Never Knew Love Like This

I can not remember a time in my life when I have felt so...loved. In approximately three weeks I will celebrate a birthday. Each year is special to me, I treat it like my own personal holiday because my Grandmother instilled it in me to do so. She always told me "this is your day, celebrate it and own it."

This year I am celebrating in very large ways, ironically each one had very little planning on my part. I will start off celebrating on stage with an ensemble of world-class percussionists. My performance group will be putting on the "best of" show...how appropriate for my birthday. (BTW, if you want to purchase an ad for the program, let me know) So even though I will spend the majority of the day in the theater (theater call is at 10 a.m.) I can not think of a better way to celebrate a wonderful year.

If that is not enough, a friend has agreed to turn his wine bar into a Salsa club for the night. Complete with a live band that I absolutely adore. All of this came to be because people were willing to rearrange their schedules to help me celebrate. I am overflowing with joy and excitement!!!

I even have a signature drink for the night on the menu named after me and Purple.Rain!

As I reflect on this past year and the ups and downs of it all, I can not express enough how much those laughs, tears, love and memories have meant to me. As my excitement grows I am reminded that although I never knew love like this, the best is still yet to come!

My Beautiful Surprise...

Beautiful surprises...this past year my life has been full of surprises. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are because we are busy comparing our lives to what we think it should be. There are few coincidences in life. If you believe that God is in control how can anything be a coincidence? A beautiful surprise but not a coincidence.

I was talking to a girlfriend who I have recently reconnected with. We were bonding over getting into the dating scene after being married when she shared something profound with me. She described a man she recently spent time with like this "I only want him if God wants me to have him."

How often we forget our plans are not our own. We end up frustrated because we are trying to hold on to things that God himself is trying to take away. After my conversation with my girl, I remembered how people seem to cross to my path. How I always end up 'coincidentally' meeting people that I previously saw in passing. Always a coincidence? I don't think so, not anymore.

I am making a conscious effort to stop relying on other people to justify how I feel, what I think about someone and who I should/should not spend time with. I am learning that taking one day at a time and enjoying each moment for as long as I can is doing wonders for my spirit.

I am stopping to enjoy all of my beautiful surprises...

Beautiful Surprise - India.Arie




Beautiful Surprise

It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise



Peace & Blessings...