So much that I finally broke down. Literally, I broke down. Yes, there were tears. At work...which I never, ever allow myself to do. At my desk as well as the break room (thank God I was there alone) and apparently I could no longer hide it because everyone tiptoed around me all day. I was not angry, I was defeated. Broken...
It happens to everyone at some point and for me it was a few days ago. So much drama swirling around me that on top of the tears my body shut down. I passed out in increments of an hour at a time for the past few days. I am sure the jet lag had something to do with it as well.
The last time this happened to me I was going through a divorce. Quietly, I was going through hell trying to keep a straight face and recover from the pitfalls of bad finances, a bad marriage and saving face. This time it was because of opposition from the events company, much needed repairs to the house, something trying to resemble a relationship, a very disappointing trip, dead-end job and the rising cost of living with a decreasing pay check. If you follow this blog you also know my struggles of coming to grips with my slim chances of having children. Which means I am not doing well with my sister who is pregnant with her second child and hating every minute of it. Guess who gets the "When are you next" questions, yet again?
So, as I start to reclaim myself, catch up on rest, give the opposition truly something to envy, tell the guy to consider his path, contemplate a new job in this economy, re-adjust my budget, put on a happy face for my sister as she complains about hating pregnancy and wanting a boy instead of another girl and figure out how to put a band aid on the house repairs until I get them taken care of I try to remind myself that I can only control how I deal with things.
The smile is not back on my face but I am no longer breaking down. As I began to pick up the pieces around me I try to remind myself that God must have a plan for me and there must be some happiness somewhere in this. A lesson to be learned.
Because as the battle lines are drawn, I am not sure how much fight I have left in me.
Until Next Time,
Peace & Blessings...
Much love to you, and I hope you feel better. From what I can tell though, you're definitely strong enough to get through anything. =)
ReplyDeleteWoo, woo, woo!
ReplyDeleteKay I love the transparency in your writing. I too am feeling defeated right now. I am finishing a degree that I don't even want anymore, but I have come to far not to finish it. The husband just suffered an injury that has thrown us all for a loop! Eight weeks of recouperation time! Mortgage costs are out of control and money is low! I know exactly what you are going through. We all have our setbacks, but I know you are in control:) Can't wait to read about your comeback:)
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Sis... Lay it on the line and cry. Through your tears, I pray you also found solace and clarity.
ReplyDeleteI feel your issues. Warriors feel broken too but you've got roots, girlie and then sustain you.
God's got a plan for you. He has plans to prosper you. Just stay committed and connected.
(((HUGS))) again!
I hope by the time you read this you are feeling better.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me tear up. I feel you on so many levels. My house needs repairs that I can't afford so I might have to DYI some of them. But supplies and know how are slim. Girl, "I am going through I still love this man but I know I need to move on but I can't so I am celibate and craving some affection but I can't move on cause I want him still" can't get no crazier than that :)
And business is going but I get down cause sometimes it seems that others around me do something and it instantly is a hit while I try to still find my way to a payday.
The good thing is that while we both stumble and feel overwhelmed we continue to hold fast and continue.
I say, if you need to cry then cry. A good cry helps to cleanse the soul and clears the mind so you can continue on stronger than before.
Big Hug *Baby Bop voice*
(((hugs)))
ReplyDelete